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Old 02-26-2017, 01:45 PM   #932 (permalink)
Trollheart
Born to be mild
 
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Posts: 26,970
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Hiddley-ho, memberinos! Poor old Trollheart is so snowed under with work that he's asked for some help, and what kind of Christian would I be if I said no? So for the next few weeks you'll be in the careful hands of Ned “Air Cello” Flanders. What? Oh, some of those chamber music recitals can be brutal, let me assure you! Hmm? Headbanging? Well, sir, if you have a sore head I heartily recommend my good friend Doctor Hibbert. He'll put you right in a jifferoonie! As long as you have insurance, of course. You do have insurance, don't you? Well of course you do! You're not welfare spongers now are you? Of course you're not! What's that Homer? Get on with the goshdarndoodly what? Oh Homer Simpson, you just wash out your mouth this instant, sir! I won't have that kind of sailor talk around my kids. They do not! When? Why, sir, if I wasn't so busy I'd come right down there and ... and ... and read you a passage in the Bible where it says He who.. Oh, he's gone.

Well anyway, welcome to the first Update of February, or at least the first since the sad passing of poor Trollheart's aunt, may she rest in peace. Let me tell ya, I'm just pickled tink to be asked to handle this, and we've got a goshdarned lot ot get through, so let's just fire up old Propane Elaine, have a plain burger (no dicing with death for me, thank you! I'll leave the devil's blood – sorry, ketchup – to others more brave or foolhardy than I!) and a nice honest glass of lemonade, and dive right in. What's that you say, young fella? Well now! That's just rude!

Ooh smooth jazz! I do like anything smooth, and jazz is about the most inoffensive music you can listen to, so there's absolutely no possibility of my having to go to confession more than four times a week. It's all thanks to Anteater (I thought it was only humans who posted here? Oh well, all of God's creatures...) who is resurrecting – um, no, that's a little blasphemous, isn't it? Well, bringing back to life – no, no that's just as bad. Digging up – oh darn! Why the heckeroonie can't I think of a word that isn't frowned on by the Church? Let's see ... reopening. Reopening? Well ... reopening the tomb, Jesus rising, angels singing .. yep! That seems acceptable. So, the little Anteater is reopening http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ed-masses.html, with a sneak peek of what he's going to be featuring, such as Vaporwave (sounds like something to do with hairstyling, I think?) Best and worst smooth jazz (is there any bad smooth jazz?) and ... um .. weird stuff that will blow your mind? Ah, let's just leave this here and proceed to the next one before I feel a sudden urge to write a strongly-worded letter, shall we?

Next up is, let's see, The Batlord? Well, he may be lord of bats, but we all know there's only one true Lord who matters, and that's the Lord Jesus Christ, praised be his name. Well now, this Batlord fella seems really into pictures of men snarling and holding - UPSIDE DOWN CRUCIFIXES??? Could it be these Slayer boys are ... gasp! NOT a Christian rock band? Oh my heart! Moving on, moving on very swiftly indeed from http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ite-about.html and on to

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...cking-out.html Well sir, being cool is just another way of saying you're a rebel, and I don't hold with that one little bit. What's that you say? Jesus himself was a rebel? Now see here ... I ... well sir ... excuse me a moment. Reverend Lovejoy? What? He was? What do you mean, technically, Reverend? Reverend? Hello? Diddly? Humph! Well, I like gadgets as much as the next man but I've never heard of a Fad one...


http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...obably-dl.html sounds harmless and good wholesome fun. This Goofle chappie recommends Mew (always liked pussy cats) and Oscar (ah, that muppet who lived in the trash can! Always scared me) while

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...nnerspace.html sounds a little suspect for a God-fearing Christian like me, but this innerspaceboy seems to have some good talent for writing. “Born Slippy”, avant-pop, not bad so far. Hmm. Black Metal? Well, let's be fair now: the coloured community deserve their music too. As long as they play it a long long way from Evergreen Terrace, of course! Some names I can't even pronounce in there. Each to his own, say I, as long as he keeps it to himself.

I do however have a problem with http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...is-arcade.html. Rod and Todd spend far too much time in arcades, mostly hanging around that Simpson boy. He's a bad influence, I tell you! And where, may I ask, are the games where angels defeat Liberal – I mean, demons, or where Jesus stomps all over the nasty Planned Parenthood Monster? Not here, sonny! No, all we see here are titles like Ori and the Blind Forest, Okhlos... Fallout 4? Dirty Bomb? Oh no no no! My boys are NOT playing anything like this, thank you very much!

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-my-life.html. Sounds like a fun thing to do. Comus. Nope. No idea. Some Japanese gentleman in black and white, perhaps a photograph from the war? And Sunny Day Real Estate. I remember when Homer's wife worked for a real estate company...

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...jawn-yall.html. Oh dear Lord preserve me. Philadelphia. City of brotherly love, but also of that “other” type of brotherly love. Now, I have nothing against homer-sexuals, you understand. If people choose to be gay, that's their business, and the Lord will smite them on the Last Day. I just don't want to catch gay from this journal, so I'm going to very carefully move on and check Neapolitan's other effort. http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...antiquity.html. Now that sounds much better! Probably about the lives of the saints, or something. As long as it's not that Saint Martin: far too racy for me. Can't believe they canonised ... oh. Not about the saints. Or the architecture of cathedrals. Well I'll be goshdarned. Still, Sugar Shoppe sounds inoffensive enough. Midwinter? Well that's a hymn isn't it? In the bleak midwinter. Good stuff. Fields? Nothing objectionable about fields. We come in from them rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves. And I like the cover too: a Republican hawk taking down a namby-pamby Democrat rabbit. Dry Ice might be slightly suspect, The Hip Harp of Dorothy Ashby? Hmm. Harp players: the bad boys and girls of the orchestra. Think they're so cool...

http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...cking-out.html Oh, Mister Occulthawk, I don't let the boys use Spotify! Never know when they might hear music that isn't approved by the Church – or the Goverment, which as we all know is the same goshdarned thing! If you wish to partake of the Devil's music though, names like Sophie Agnel, John Edwards and Steve Nobel are probably the kind of thing you'll find carved into the steps on the flaming road to Hell...

Would it be unchristian of me to say the next journal describes Homer's life? Yes, yes it would. Lord forgive me. http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...crap-heap.html seems to have a lot of mathematics in it today. Oh Pet_Sounds, you don't need maths! All the world was created by the Lord Almighty, and He shall provide you all the answers you need. Trust in him and throw away your slide rule!

Here's a strange one. Mrs Tristan Rosenstock, but it's a fella. Well, I guess what we're dealing with here is one of those cross-dressers, fellas who like to wear their wives' clothes. Never understood that myself – Maud's dresses would never fit me – I mean, well, you have to try it, don't you? Just once? Like that time I lost a bet with Homer and we had to mow the lawns in our wives' dresses? No I did not enjoy it, how dare you sir! The only reason I have not got rid of Maud's clothes – especially her, ah, underthings – up to this point is, is ... well, um, er ... ah ... Martha! Yes, yes. Martha. That's it. The artiste being discussed by the abovementioned in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ower-punk.html.

And that brings us to Trollheart himself, and if you think he's not busy, well take a look at this. David Bowie in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-journal.html, that scary Jaws movie in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ox-office.html, Annie Lennox, Tears For Fears and ... Black Sabbath (?) in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ox-office.html. Also scary darey Dracula (brr!) and The Silver Surfer in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-2000-ad.html, random playlists in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...k-journal.html, Frasier and 24 in http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-emporium.html, and as if that wasn't enough, he's started up yet another journal, http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-cartoons.html. Well, at least one little mouse from a certain southern border will not be coming over here any more, no siree bob! Mister Trump's wall will see to that. God bless you, President Trump, and may the Lord someday bless you with more realistic hair, amen.

And now it's time to pick your

(though technically it's the post of almost three weeks)
This week it comes from Pet_Sounds, for this odd mathematical problem in the middle of his journal. It's too goshdarned long and intricate to replicate it in its entireity, so we'll just leave this link here for those of you who wish to read it. And condemn themselves to everlasting fire and damnation.
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ml#post1805645

Before he left me in charge, Trollheart did write up a few sections which he knew I would be a tad uncomfortable tackling, like this

Gives me the creeps, that hand! Reminds me of when we buried Mister Bunny and then the landfill exploded and ... oh dear Lord .. getting faint again...
Ah, nothing like smelling salts to set you right as rain! So, this week's award goes to that cute little Anteater, whose journal http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ed-masses.html returns after ... wait for it ... three years absence! Who called that a miracle? Well, sir, I'll have you know that only the Lord can work miracles, and certainly no insectivore! Nevertheless, congratulations, little guy.

And let's not forget
Funny Post

of the Week

Apparently, the chances are that this will most times go to The Batlord, who's the resident clown around here, so I'm told, and so it is this time. Having scoured the journals I can find little else that would qualify, so from Trollheart's own journal The Couch Potato comes this clear indication that the Batlord does not quite understand the concept of being drunk... and I know what I'm talking about. Once I had a White wine spritzer!

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Batlord View Post
I don't see what me being drunk has to do with not remembering.
And another section already written by Trollheart, which I wouldn't go near if you gave me a free pass to the Holy Land for life...

I now hand you over to the man himself...

A lot of people want to write a journal, but few of them realise how much work it's going to entail, and some members will start with great intentions and just peter out, some will updte here and there and then forget about their journal, and some will put everything they have into their writing, ensuring their journal flourishes.

And then there's Robbe264.

Don't know who he is, where he came from, but with the princely sum of 56 posts and a journal that died two years ago, I think we can safely assume he ain't coming back any time soon.

Statistics
Journal title: The Journal of Robbe264
Author: Oddly enough, Robbe264!
Born: March 22 2015
Total views: 246
Total posts: 1
Posts (by author):1
Actual posts by author (ie not just replies to comments): 1
Died: March 22 2015
Graveyard Ranking: A small wooden cross to mark the fact that he did at least try to make an entry, and seemed to have the intention of going through with it, but just, well, didn't. Crows gather on the arms of the cross, pecking at it as if it were something to eat...

Brr! Bit blasphemous there, I feel, Trollheart!

Well, that's it for this week, friends, but don't forget to tune in again next Sunday, when I'll be hosting the first update for March. It's going to be more fun than going to church!

May the good Lord bless and keep you all the days of your ... I'm sorry? What was that? Take it where, godboy? Well, really! You, sir, are just rude!
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