sleepy jack

The Cabinet: The Freedom Fighters*

I'm going to offer a brief description of what each job is for those of you who fell asleep during your civics class or aren't American. The cabinet is a team of officials picked by the President and approved by the Senate and they're there to serve the President in all his wonderful duties (he does need help, the last president who tried to do it on his own was FDR and the result was paralysis though they've tried to cover that up.) It's grown since the days of Washington (who only had four people) and sadly it's not as cool anymore because instead of a badass Atheist who hated the church as Secretary of State were going to have a boring white woman with boobs. Not to say boobs are bad but they've never been exciting in politics unless you count Taft (hottie!)

Secretary of State: Shakes hand with foreigners and in the past eight years has learned "The President is sorry" in over two thousand languages.

Secretary of Defense: Blows foreigners up and in the past eight years has learned "we're here to take your oil, fucking arab" in over two thousand languages.

Secretary of Treasury: The Fiddy Cent of the White House if you will. Except in his line of business he's more like the Your Money Cent.

Attorney General: Remember in high school when you checked out that book for an essay on Islam and men in black suits showed up at your door? Yeah, he was just curious.

Secretary of Transportation: You know that black guy that drove McCain's bus and that white guy in handcuffs with a collar around his neck who drove Obama's? This is where he ends up.

National Security Adviser: Advises the President on National Security.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Nausea, Diarrhea, Death, high five man. Thanks to all your "warnings" I have to wait an extra thirty seconds per commercial to watch my Reality TV.

Secretary of Agriculture: Honestly I would tell you but you'd just fall asleep.

Secretary of Education: You know how you only have a few dollars in your wallet? This person cuts up those few dollars and tries to keep our children smart on it. This person secretly dreams of killing the Secretary of Defense because he gets a thousand and nine times as much money to spend on a single bullet. Someday the Secretary of Education will get one of those bullets. Someday very very soon.

Secretary of Interior: If everyone dies, he will become President and than the National Park Service will cry even more.

Secretary of Energy: Their job is to hate Al Gore, very very very much.

Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: The whitest position ever.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: You know that crazy drunk guy missing a leg who has no health insurance? This guy feeds on his blood.

Secretary of Labor: Here's a little secret about this position: it's always held by a socialist and that is why they're never invited to cabinet parties because they're commie scum.

Secretary of Commerce: Ironically, he loves the cuban cigars.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security: What's the terrorist warning right now? Red? Orange? Green? He accepts your thanks, if we had this on 9/11 you'd remember it as 9/11: the day nothing happened.







*Regulators

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