Hi Ashleygrl990,
I feel your song, which is very sweet, accurately describes what it is like when you first start having strong romantic feelings for someone but it is all so new that the feelings catch you by surprise, you fear rejection, fear something will go wrong, and don't know whether these feelings (in-love feelings) are returned. Feeling this way is exciting and also makes you feel kind of sick, if I recall correctly!
Like you write, this stage of a potential relationship can/does seem difficult...and a little funny when you look back from the future time in which you see the person (with whom you've been involved for years), and greet that person with a casual, "Hey, how's it going. Say, would you please, please, PLEASE not leave your knives with sticky cherry jelly on them at the edge of the sink? It just gets the counter all dirty! Put them IN the sink, IN the sink, IN the sink!" And then your beloved says, "Arggh! I keep forgetting!" and you respond charitably, "You are forgiven. I love you anyway. Oh, and by the way, 'Hi, honey, I'm home.'"
Cherry jelly gripes may not make such an exciting relationship song topic as the topic of your song, but it is interesting to see how different the different times in a relationship can be, and your song reminds me of that! (Actually, now I am inspired to write a cherry jelly song!)
Looking at the structure of your song, I feel that the length seems very good for the subject matter. I have a suggestion about your use of the word "turning" in your chorus:
Quote:
Heart racing, as fast as the light.
Face turning, as red as a rose.
Voice shaking, this can't be right.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
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Since turning can have two meanings, the motion of turning (as in looking in a different direction) and the change in quality (in this case, color), do you prefer to use a word that has two meanings, or would you prefer to use a word such as "flushing" or "blushing" that suggests a slower transition and when combined with "face" probably only has one translation (change of color), as in "face flushing as red as a rose." I feel that if you use a word like "turning" that has two meanings it takes just a little longer for the listener to comprehend the meaning (which isn't bad...it is just what I see as an effect).
I also have a question about your use of commas throughout the song. Are you using them to designate pauses in the singing, even though they are not needed for grammatical purposes? For example, "Face turning as red as a rose" is what you would say if you want the face color to be changing. Because of where you have placed the comma in "Face turning, as red as a rose," this line suggests that the person is turning her face in some new direction and that the face is as red as a rose. I don't think this direction change is what you mean, so I would recommend removing this comma, as well as in lines such as "Mind telling, me not to move."
I hope this helps!
--Erica