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Old 10-24-2005, 01:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenixpunk

Q: What have the England football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both fucking useless in Europe.
*ahem*

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Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.
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Old 10-24-2005, 02:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Poland!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-24-2005, 02:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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And just think , thats with a sh*t manager too
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Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.
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Old 10-24-2005, 03:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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i was hoping it was "offensive" enough to be in this thread, looks like it worked to a degree.
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Old 10-24-2005, 03:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenixpunk

Q: What have the Scotland football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both fucking useless in Europe.
There , now it`s offensive AND accurate
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Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.
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Old 10-24-2005, 03:05 PM   #16 (permalink)
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its kinda funny, this joke went by unnoticed -
In early July, Canada celebrates Canada Day, the United States celebrates Independence Day, and in England they celebrate "Boy Did We Get Our Asses Handed To Us, Aren't We A Great Bunch of Poofs" Day. I'm just kidding. That's every day in Jolly Olde England

but dont talk about the football team!!!!
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Old 10-24-2005, 03:16 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Q:how do you make a dead babie float
A: some root beer and three scoops of dead babies


Q: what do you call one black person stuck on the moon
A: a problem

Q: what do you call all the black people stuck on the moon
A: a solution


hahahah!!! i know that was mean



one day at a hospital a woman gave birth to a babie and as soon as it came out the doctor grabbed it and pretended to trip and dropped it out the window . so the woman screamed "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!" and the doctor replied "just kidding it was already dead"
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go on out
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the market or the liquor store

friends dont let friends get lost in chinatown
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Old 10-24-2005, 03:17 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Test whether you are an American or not!


Questionnaire:

1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show.
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers...
If you answered:

mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.
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Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.
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Old 11-01-2005, 12:03 AM   #19 (permalink)
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what is the difference between a baby and an onion?
you dont cry when you chop up babies

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
a blender
How do you get them out?
Tortilla Chips

What do you say to a black man in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise

i know....kinda rude/insensitive/immoral/racist......keep it to yourself
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Old 11-01-2005, 02:29 AM   #20 (permalink)
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*someone replies with a "your mom" comeback*

keep my mama out of this...and i'll keep this out of your mama!"

*points to crotch and does pelvic thrust*
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How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach- it keeps shitting what I feed it.
But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore..
maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home. and whispers....

Quote:
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Remember kids: It's only real metal if the vocalist sounds like he's vomiting up a fetus. \m/
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