Hey bad joke time (The Police, quote, youtube)

**right-track** · 11-20-2007, 01:59 AM

Here's a couple I got as phone text that made me laugh out loud;

With recent divorce proceedings and the increased negative media attention, Heather Mills was described by analysts as being unstable.
Paul McCartney said, "a couple of beer mats usually does the trick!".

An elderly couple are attending Sunday church, when half way through the sermon the old lady whispers to her husband, "I think I've just done a silent but deadly fart...what should I do?"
The old man replies, "Buy some new batteries for that fuckin' hearing aid!"

River Man · 11-20-2007, 02:03 AM

How do you punish Helen Keller for bad behavior?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Joshee · 11-20-2007, 03:25 AM

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
Let the women cook in the dark.

phantonic_plague · 11-20-2007, 06:22 AM

ok, this one was on a laffy taffy i ate the other day...
What do a racoon and a tv have in common?

A lot.

-that was the answer, really. kudos to whoever wrote that in and actually got it on the wrapper. can anyone come up with an explaination?

Gentleman Johnny · 11-20-2007, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frances

Ok, a seedy old man is parked outside the primary school, Johnny walks out and the man says, "Hey kid, I'll give you a mars bar if you come in my car"
and Johnny replies, "Give me the whole packet mister and I'll *** in your fucking mouth!"

is this supposed to be me?

okay so,
a couple goes in to see a priest about getting married
and the groom asks the priest
"is it okay to have sex before marriage?"
and the priest responds
"as long as it doesn't delay the ceremony".

CAPTAIN CAVEMAN · 11-20-2007, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshee

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
Let the women cook in the dark.

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

**LesPaul43** · 11-20-2007, 10:59 PM

Why cant Helen Keller drive?

Cause she's a woman.

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing because you already told her twice.

Wanna hear a good joke?

Women's Rights.

**right-track** · 11-21-2007, 12:13 PM

Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Voice_of_the_Soul12,13,01 · 11-21-2007, 03:10 PM

A breakcore guitarist and a fan after a concert;

Fan- Wow, you are so amazing, man!
Guitarist- Yeah, I'm so brootal. I love playing and all that good stuff. Man, feel this (holds out his index finger)
Fan- Wow, man. It's all blistered and calloused and stuff.
Guitarist- yea, all from my extreme playing.
Fan- Wait why aren't your other fingers just as rough?
Guitarist- Why would they be?

VocalsBass · 11-21-2007, 03:13 PM

My wife asked me if we could go somwhere she's never been before for our anniversary. I replied, "why dont you try the kitchen".

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11-20-2007, 01:59 AM
right-track Avin' It! Join Date: May 2005 Location: THE PEOPLES ЯEPUBLIK ФF MAИCUИIA Posts: 5,055	Here's a couple I got as phone text that made me laugh out loud; With recent divorce proceedings and the increased negative media attention, Heather Mills was described by analysts as being unstable. Paul McCartney said, "a couple of beer mats usually does the trick!". An elderly couple are attending Sunday church, when half way through the sermon the old lady whispers to her husband, "I think I've just done a silent but deadly fart...what should I do?" The old man replies, "Buy some new batteries for that fuckin' hearing aid!" __________________ Choose Liverpool. Choose the dole queue. Choose to scam disability benefit. Choose mind-numbing, grinding efficiency over flair. Choose Torben Piechnik, Istvan Kozma and Paul Stewart. Choose not to win a single league title since the backpass rule was implemented. Choose penalties. Choose car stereos, hubcaps and stanley knives. Choose to trade on your proud sense of tradition and then not lift a finger in protest when two American billionaires who don't even know the name of your club decide to buy it. Choose to win the European Cup whilst only having to play seven matches. Choose to bask in a perpetual, sickening, media love-in. Choose celebrities who ** off out of your city as soon as they have earned the money to do so and then spend the rest of their lives harping on about how wonderful it is. Choose to sing about Munich until confronted with your own tragedy. Choose to end it all in an orgy of self pity, just another excuse to perpetuate the grief culture spawned by your selfish, insular **ed-up excuse for a city. Choose your future. Choose Scouse.

11-20-2007, 02:03 AM
River Man Audio Slave Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Illinois Posts: 74	How do you punish Helen Keller for bad behavior? Leave the plunger in the toilet. __________________ Recommendations (4/17/08) Give it a Shot. It's Very Rewarding : Van \|)yke Parks - Song Cycle Newest Find : Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend Avoiding the Sophomore Slump : The Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely Favorite Novelty Band : Dread Zeppelin - Un-Led-Ed (only album worth listening to)

11-20-2007, 03:25 AM
Joshee Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Under a big top. Posts: 142	How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Let the women cook in the dark.

11-20-2007, 06:22 AM
phantonic_plague Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 9	ok, this one was on a laffy taffy i ate the other day... What do a racoon and a tv have in common? A lot. -that was the answer, really. kudos to whoever wrote that in and actually got it on the wrapper. can anyone come up with an explaination?

11-20-2007, 10:59 PM
LesPaul43 Bring da Ruckus Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 3,911	Why cant Helen Keller drive? Cause she's a woman. What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? Nothing because you already told her twice. Wanna hear a good joke? Women's Rights. __________________ Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him he best go run and hide. Daddys got a new .45. And I wont think twice to stick that barrel straight down sanchos throat. Believe me when I say that I got somethin for his punk ass. When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

11-21-2007, 12:13 PM
right-track Avin' It! Join Date: May 2005 Location: THE PEOPLES ЯEPUBLIK ФF MAИCUИIA Posts: 5,055	Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. __________________ Choose Liverpool. Choose the dole queue. Choose to scam disability benefit. Choose mind-numbing, grinding efficiency over flair. Choose Torben Piechnik, Istvan Kozma and Paul Stewart. Choose not to win a single league title since the backpass rule was implemented. Choose penalties. Choose car stereos, hubcaps and stanley knives. Choose to trade on your proud sense of tradition and then not lift a finger in protest when two American billionaires who don't even know the name of your club decide to buy it. Choose to win the European Cup whilst only having to play seven matches. Choose to bask in a perpetual, sickening, media love-in. Choose celebrities who ** off out of your city as soon as they have earned the money to do so and then spend the rest of their lives harping on about how wonderful it is. Choose to sing about Munich until confronted with your own tragedy. Choose to end it all in an orgy of self pity, just another excuse to perpetuate the grief culture spawned by your selfish, insular **ed-up excuse for a city. Choose your future. Choose Scouse.

11-21-2007, 03:10 PM
Voice_of_the_Soul12,13,01 #1 Schuldinist. Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 338	A breakcore guitarist and a fan after a concert; Fan- Wow, you are so amazing, man! Guitarist- Yeah, I'm so brootal. I love playing and all that good stuff. Man, feel this (holds out his index finger) Fan- Wow, man. It's all blistered and calloused and stuff. Guitarist- yea, all from my extreme playing. Fan- Wait why aren't your other fingers just as rough? Guitarist- Why would they be? __________________ When the day of Judgment comes, no value for human life or blind visions of peace will save you. Your strength or lack of will determine your right to live.

11-21-2007, 03:13 PM
VocalsBass Music Addict Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: S.E. Ohio. Posts: 179	My wife asked me if we could go somwhere she's never been before for our anniversary. I replied, "why dont you try the kitchen". __________________ (THUG LIFE)