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Old 01-12-2005, 01:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Official Joke Thread

I'm not that funny,or i just have a bad memory,so i just wan't to read your guy's jokes.Mabe i'll think of one at a later date. P.S. Racist jokes don't offend me.
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Old 01-12-2005, 02:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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kind of long, but pretty amusing:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. 'Reverend,' she said, 'I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?'

'I have an idea,' said the minister. 'Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.'

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. 'And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?' he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

'Jesus!', Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

'Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,' said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. 'Who is
your redeemer?' he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

'God!' Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

'Right again,' said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, 'And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?'

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, 'You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your a**!'

'Amen,' replied the congregation.
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What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
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Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

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Old 01-12-2005, 02:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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and here's another one:

One turns to the other and says: 'You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: 'What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.'

1st Man: 'No it's true let me prove it to you.' So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: 'You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.'

1st Man: 'No, I'll prove it again' and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: 'Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it.' So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: 'You know, Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk.'
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What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways


Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER
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Old 01-12-2005, 03:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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i wanted to say the hippie and the nun joke but i'pretty sure everyone knows it if you don't, don't search on google, just say you don't and i'll tell it to you and no, i'm not desperate
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Old 01-12-2005, 03:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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ok, maybe you know this one, too but i hope you don't

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Old 01-12-2005, 03:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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haha, yeah I've heard the hippie and the nun one, I was thinking about posting it for a bit, but decided against it.
__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways


Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER
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Old 01-12-2005, 04:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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This one not that funny but i like it-How do you get a Goth out of a tree You cut the rope!!!




I'm Irish and Scottish please come up with some jokes to slice me so i can tell them to my dad.
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Old 01-12-2005, 09:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Waynegrow
This one not that funny but i like it-How do you get a Goth out of a tree You cut the rope!!!




I'm Irish and Scottish please come up with some jokes to slice me so i can tell them to my dad.
whats good about an irish funeral? one less drunk.
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I was just under the impression that everyone here knew every song ever and that my music taste in comparison was incredibly generic so I figured everyone here would know the songs I like without a doubt.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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how do you get a one armed punk out of a tree? toss him a beer..

how many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, punks like to screw in a puddle of their own vomit..

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job...

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke....
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Old 01-12-2005, 06:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hahahahahah^^^^^those are ****in funny. Thanks man those made my day.
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