Dad Jokes

Plankton · 07-03-2017, 08:41 AM

A man and woman were about to have sex, when the woman decides to tell the man of her deformity. She says "Just to let you know, one of my breasts is slightly smaller than the other". The man says "That's no big deal, but I have to tell you that I have a baby dick". The woman shrugs it off, and they both take off their clothes. The woman gasps "Holy ****, your dick is huge!" The man says "That's what I told you, I have a dick the size of a baby. 7 lbs 3 oz, and 19 inches".

Lisnaholic · 08-23-2017, 06:26 AM

In case anyone is wondering, The Fringe is an informal event in Edinburgh which features stand-up comedians. It's organised annually as an alternative to the more serious Edinburgh Cultural Festival:-

Quote:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

^ According to an article by the BBC these were voted the best one-liners heard this year.
And which are the best of the best? I particularly liked nos. 3, 7, 9 and 10.

**Frownland** · 09-05-2017, 06:33 PM

ISIS in 2004

Spoiler for .:

Neapolitan · 09-07-2017, 07:09 AM

Q. How many Trollhearts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to write a journal about it.

Trollheart · 09-07-2017, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neapolitan

Q. How many Trollhearts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to write a journal about it.

Just one journal? Surely not.
There'd be at least:
a) The History of Light Bulb Changing
b) My Favourite Light Bulbs
c) Guess the Light Bulb
d) Light Bulb Moments
e) 1001 Things You Did Not Know About Lightbulbs
f) Music involving Light Bulbs
g) Light Bulbs on TV and in Movies

and so on.

ETA: that should really read "How many Trollhearts used it to take ..."
I don't write journals any more.

Plankton · 09-29-2017, 09:03 AM

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Plankton · 12-14-2017, 06:49 PM

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Spoiler for I dunno, what's the difference Plankton?:

**Frownland** · 12-14-2017, 06:51 PM

Is that a moon or prism?

Maajo · 12-14-2017, 06:51 PM

All of the puns, ever.

**Frownland** · 01-02-2018, 09:12 AM

PSA: your window to say things like "I haven't seen you all year!" is rapidly closing. Take advantage while you still can.

07-03-2017, 08:41 AM	#211 (permalink)
Plankton Just Keep Swimming... Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: See signature... Posts: 7,766	A man and woman were about to have sex, when the woman decides to tell the man of her deformity. She says "Just to let you know, one of my breasts is slightly smaller than the other". The man says "That's no big deal, but I have to tell you that I have a baby dick". The woman shrugs it off, and they both take off their clothes. The woman gasps "Holy ****, your dick is huge!" The man says "That's what I told you, I have a dick the size of a baby. 7 lbs 3 oz, and 19 inches". __________________ See location...

09-05-2017, 06:33 PM	#213 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	ISIS in 2004 Spoiler for .: __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

09-29-2017, 09:03 AM	#216 (permalink)
Plankton Just Keep Swimming... Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: See signature... Posts: 7,766	Orion's Belt is a big waist of space. __________________ See location...

12-14-2017, 06:49 PM	#217 (permalink)
Plankton Just Keep Swimming... Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: See signature... Posts: 7,766	What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? Spoiler for I dunno, what's the difference Plankton?: The oyster shucker shucks between fits. __________________ See location...

12-14-2017, 06:51 PM	#218 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	Is that a moon or prism? __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

12-14-2017, 06:51 PM	#219 (permalink)
Maajo Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Colorado Posts: 513	All of the puns, ever.

01-02-2018, 09:12 AM	#220 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	PSA: your window to say things like "I haven't seen you all year!" is rapidly closing. Take advantage while you still can. __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x