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Old 11-27-2016, 06:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Jokes robbed from TV or movies

No jokes you made up or heard from your mates, or read about. Cite your source if you want, or not, what do I care?

From The Young Ones episode "Nasty"

Scene: The lads in a graveyard. Woman comes up to Neil, the hippy.
Woman: "Excuse me, do you dig graves?"
Neil: "Yeah. Yeah, they're all right."
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Old 11-27-2016, 06:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Plankton has dad joke competition again.

Lol though cuz i like bad dad jokes.
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Old 11-27-2016, 07:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I prefer funny movie quotes.

"Nobody makes makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody"
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Old 11-27-2016, 08:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It's too hot for a penguin to be walkin' around here.
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Old 11-27-2016, 09:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, thatís on the worst day of my life.

Therapist
:What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Therapist
: Wow, thatís messed up!

~~~

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. Itís not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least youíre name isnít Michael Bolton.

Samir
: You know, thereís nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton
: There WAS nothing wrong with itÖ until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent-ass-clown because famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir: Why donít you just go by Mike, instead of Michael?

Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? Heís the one who sucks.
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Old 11-27-2016, 10:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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From Home movies

Mr lindenson: I'm afraid that you're fired.

Paula: Whoa.. wait, I'm fired?

Mr lindenson:Yes Paula you're fired, I hate to say it again but why not, the school is dealing with a series of budget cuts and I'm afraid your class was put up in the chopping block.

Paula: Really?

Mr lindenson: hehey, let's not make this about you and the firing thing. There's a lot of people in the same boat as you Paula. You know Ms Gardner the bagpipe lady?

Paula: Yeah?

Mr lindenson: Goneski! Same with.. and how bout.. and you know Mr French?

Paula: uh huh

Mr lindenson: Budget cuts! What do you do? Nothing worst *laughing* than letting someone go Paula. hehehe.
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Old 11-27-2016, 10:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan View Post
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, thatís on the worst day of my life.

Therapist
:What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Therapist
: Wow, thatís messed up!

~~~

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. Itís not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least youíre name isnít Michael Bolton.

Samir
: You know, thereís nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton
: There WAS nothing wrong with itÖ until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent-ass-clown because famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir: Why donít you just go by Mike, instead of Michael?

Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? Heís the one who sucks.
I love this.
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Old 11-28-2016, 04:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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From Flight of the Conchords:

Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean "nearly"?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

---------------------------------------------------

Jemaine: I can see why you broke up with her. She was hard work.
Bret: Oh no, she broke up with me.
Jemaine: Yeah, she broke up with me too. That's what I mean, it was hard work staying together with her wanting to break up all the time.
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Old 11-28-2016, 06:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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The great Peter Cook tells in an interview of a time he was at a restaurant, and this loud, abusive guy, rich as ****, realises his table has not been reserved. Angry and indignant he starts yelling "This is not good enough! For God's sake! Do you know who I AM?"

Cook immediately jumps up, shouts "My God! Somebody help this man! He's forgotten who he is! Does anyone know who this man is???"
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(40 discographies and counting as of January 2017!)


Currently showing: Captain Beefheart


Quote:
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I think I may be in love with you Trollheart.
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Old 11-28-2016, 06:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aloysius View Post
From Flight of the Conchords:

Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean "nearly"?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

---------------------------------------------------

Jemaine: I can see why you broke up with her. She was hard work.
Bret: Oh no, she broke up with me.
Jemaine: Yeah, she broke up with me too. That's what I mean, it was hard work staying together with her wanting to break up all the time.
Funniest ****ing show, I swear.
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