rubber soul

1912: The first DUI arrest is made when a sled led by dogs with antlers on their heads crashes into a street pole. The driver, who goes by the name Klaus Kringle, claims he is delivering important presents to local children. Kringle is then asked why he is sending the children pornographic magazines. The incident becomes agitated when a dog with a red nose bites the officer on the leg.

1937: Josef Stalin declares Christmas a National Holiday in Moscow, but instead of having Santa Claus as the bearer of gifts, he installs a person he believes is the kindest person on Earth, himself. When citizens protest the move, he has them sent to Siberia and shot.

2003: Santa Claus is ‘punk’d’ on MTV when Ashton Kutcher has his sled towed by police. Claus is reportedly in tears until Kutcher tells him it was a joke. The next day, Kutcher is punk’d himself when he discovers his presents are wrapped in uranium.

2016: President-Elect Donald Trump tweets that Santa Claus is a whore after he didn’t receive the Red Ryder BB gun he requested for Christmas. Trump’s mother warned him he’d shoot his eye out.

The Word has spoken

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