Dr.Seussicide

Huh... well now that's just sexist. Explain yourself before your defame your own character.

Btw, I believe I know what you're talking about, but how about you just clarify yourself for the sake of completeness.

__________________

duga

i was actually being critical of my own sex, so i'm not sure if it can be sexist. i just think it is funny that most guys make a joke out of these topics while girls seem to be a bit more forthcoming. and then the guys that make jokes out of it make me feel like an idiot for being open. or maybe it's just a sensitive topic and people don't want to talk about it. who knows.

btw after i posted that i kinda figured it would be taken the wrong way, but i was too tempted to see what kind of response it got. sorry about that.

__________________
Confusion will be my epitaph...

Dr.Seussicide

Oh ok, you wanted to insight a riot huh? But I get what your saying. I'm pretty open though, kind of hard to get your point over a post however.

__________________

VEGANGELICA

Yes, I've been in love before. Yes, I "got over" being "in love" with some of those people. However, there have been people I was "in love" with whom I also loved...and I did not "get over" those people. The feeling of love lingers.

I see a distinction between feeling "in love" vs. "loving" someone. Being "in love" focuses on how you yourself feel about another person: excited, admiring, etc. etc. Being "in love" is not a bad thing...it is the first rush of breaking psychological barriers that exist between you and someone you admire.

In contrast, when you love a romantic partner, I feel this means you shift the focus of your attention so that you are approximately equally interested in helping the person you love have a satisfying, meaningful life as you are in seeking happiness for yourself. I definitely believe love is a physiological/psychological reality. The feeling of "love" for a romantic partner, to me, is the same as the feeling of "family love"...like love for a parent.

People, especially those new to love, are often in love with the feeling of being in love, rather than primarily loving another person and loving themselves at the same time. My observation is that romantic partners start out "in love" and then, if they work at it, transition to just plain "love."

One of the positive experiences I've had regarding love is when, even after a break-up, years later you remain platonic friends with the person. You realize that underneath the more turbulent romantic aspects of the relationship, you actually were and are friends...and that lasts.

I feel Paloma gives a very good description of what it feels like to feel loved by a significant other:

jayfin3, you then wrote:

I feel you *can* have one-sided love...but unless it is requited in some form then it is obsession, like Paloma wrote. Sometimes one person loves another more intensely than that other loves her or him. Sometimes one person feels romantic love and the other platonic love. If you ever find yourself doing something that might hurt the one you feel you love, then you are probably acting out of obsession: stalking is an example.

littleknowitall, I'm sorry your former significant other treated you so horrendously. I feel your experience shows one reason people can be afraid of loving, because it means you can get hurt emotionally, since to love someone does involve forgiving and trying to work out a solution to problems or find a compromise. In your case, the effort was one-sided. I think the important point never to overlook is that you have to know for yourself what your boundaries are....at what point will you no longer tolerate ill effects on yourself when in a relationship. You wrote about concerns about future relationships. If it helps, I've found that different people are really extremely different. Each relationship feels unique. Your bad experience with your ex does not mean every future partner will be like that.

The test I used to give myself, when thinking about whether a relationship was working, was this one: "Am a lonelier in the relationship than I would be if I were alone, by myself, not in the relationship?" When I realized that I felt lonelier by being with a person than I would be if I were alone, then I knew it was time to rethink the relationship.

One relationship rule I developed was this one: never seek a relationship with someone because you feel lonely. Learn to have a satisfying life by yourself. Then you will be able to keep your balance (more or less) when you open your life/mind to someone else.

__________________

333

I've been battling with this feeling for a bit now, and was only recently able to identify it. I had mistaken the lingering of my love for my ex and the familiarity of his presence for still being in love with him. I now realize I still love him, but that love has forever changed. The best thing I've ever done since loving him is learned how to love myself.

Beautifully said. I've always been opposed to defining love because I quite like the mystery. I also think that is why some of us are so passionate about love. Perhaps it's not passion, but curiosity?

I take this as you don't believe that you can be in love with someone for a longer period of time. I guess I've always looked at the contrast between in love and love in an elementary manner. I related being in love with someone as something romantic and just plain loving someone as platonic or family-related. So, then, if romantic partners transition from being in love to just loving, is there a possibility of falling out of love?

I cherish friendship more than any romantic relationship. To me, friendship is the foundation of a great relationship on any level. I try to remain friends with all of my previous lovers, but sometimes, it is very difficult. I've learned there's got to be a period of time where you don't see each other or even contact each other to really make a friendship work after love; otherwise, the same air of love kind of lingers and could become detrimental to both partners.

Scarlett O'Hara

I have loved, but not been in love. Still to young to know for sure I think. But once that right person comes along, it will be easier to identify.

__________________

Guybrush

I'm in a happy relationship and have been for some years with the person I think is the one There have been a couple of earlier attempts at serious relationships, but I think what's special for me this time around is my current gf and I became friends first and then that developed into a love relationship over time. In addition to the obvious boyfriend/girlfriend part, we still function very much like friends and I'm happy I have that with her. It adds an extra level to our relationship, I think. Stuff is usually funnier and more interesting when she's along!

__________________
Something Completely Different

Mojo

Yawn. This thread sucks. That is all.

__________________

Last.FM | Echoes and Dust

jayfin3

I disagree, but hey.

Thanks to all those who have responded, it's given me lots to think about. I'll put in something here too, once I get my thoughts sorted out. Though I haven't had too much experience with love, given my young age.

Astronomer

Love sucks. That is all.

__________________