Urban Hatemonger

On the film Spinal Tap......

Anal tap., October 25, 2004
Reviewer: MasterShake (Meatwad's Room.) - See all my reviews
Okay, seriously, who the heck are these Spinal Tap fellas? I'm an expert on music (I studied the art form for four years, know every artist of the last 40 years, and scored an A+ on my math test...which really doesn't have anything to do with music, but it shows you that I am intellegent), and have never heard of these guys before. Let me ask you a perfectly reasonable question: why would you want to watch a documentary on a band that you've never heard of before? And to top it all off, the interviewer is some guy named Rob (who resembles a pig! That's right, a little piggy!). If I wanted to look at a hog for an hour, I'd make some bacon!

Also of note is that there's some character named 'Bobbi Fleckman'. How can you people be fooled so easily? Don't you realize that it's nothing but a cheap disguise? It's really The Nanny, Fran Fine! Nice try, Fran, but I didn't believe it for one second! I guess sometimes, you just have to get away from that butler and that old British guy!

People, whatever you do, don't buy this trash! Just wait until Limp Bizkit (the greatest band ever!) makes a documentary on their wild and crazy and cool antics! It's sure to put this to shame!

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Great documentary, but pointless., February 26, 2003
Reviewer: A viewer
If you're going to make such an excellent documentary, why make it about about a band that nobody has ever heard of?

Getting similar behind-the-scenes footage on the Who, The Stones, or Genesis would have been a monumental achievment in documentary cinema.

But Spinal Pap?
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On the album Hooked On A Feeling by David Hasselhoff...

5 out of 5 stars My God - Literally, July 22, 2004
Reviewer: A music fan from Cardiff United Kingdom
When is the pope going to realise his mistake and make this man a saint?
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And finally ... The Very Best Of David Hasselhoff ...

5 out of 5 stars A genuis at work, April 2, 2003
Reviewer: Mr Mark Harrison from Litlington, England
It starts with a revving car engine. It ends with a tender German ballad. It's brilliant. What more can i say?

The album starts with 'Highway to your heart' a real old time rocker. You acn imagine David cruising in his convertible, teeth gleaming and finely coiffed hair and medallion fluttering in the breeze. After that masterpiece follows 'Dance Dance D'amour' which is, i'm sure you'll agree, a fantastic title for a song. When this dance turns out actually to be a 'sweet bossonova' on what sounds like a casio organ it's enough to soften the hardest of hearts. Next is one of my favourites 'everybody sunshine (everybody funtime)' a rousing call to unite the children of the world regardless of colour or creed. There's a wurlitzer on this one!. 'Do the limbo dance' is as good as it sounds, as David gets in touch with his Jamaican soul with a cod-reggae number and Frank Bruno on backing vocals. To be honest, the album lulls slightly over the next two ballads although who cares when the next song is.....

'Looking for Freedom' - The song that united a nation. It's a classic German Anthem and you can imagine thousands of moustached Germans in leather jackets punching the air to this one. It's a stirring piece of music, a real stormer. The hard rock theme continues with the baywatch tune (not really my cup of tea) before the mood is brought down for the ladies with the gentle ballad 'Best is yet to come'. HOWEVER, brace yourself, the next track is the best song i've ever heard in my entire life. It's called 'Je t'aime means i love you' and unfortunately no words could possibly do it justice. Imagine David singing desperately 'Just say Oui!' to his french lady on the Champs Elysee and that's all you need to know. Magic, 100% Magic. How can one man be so talented that he can use English AND French in the same song? Halfway through the song is a fine instrumental where you can imagine David shrieking 'Break it down!' and doing some crazy dancing.

As we reach the end of the album, David shows his mastery of Country and Western in 'Yesterdays love' before 'Flying on the Wings of Tenderness', taking flight to a dodgy 80's synth track. 'Crazy for You' is superb, sounding like YMCA and letting you imagine 10,000 Germans going crazy as David shouts 'Sing!'. Keeping up the raucousness is 'Hot Shot City', many peoples favourite Hasselhoff number. Rocking like a wild animal this one's got a great riff, 'You look so good in those jeans, Ahhhh' says David. 'But not as good as i look in my leather jacket' he undoubtedly thinks though. The last two songs are aimed at the German market that first took David to their collective hearts. 'Aller Monana mi ceillo' could be sung in a German Bierkeller by lederhosen clad men from the Rhineland while 'Du' is probably very good. However, being in German i cannot understand a word of it but i'm sure the lyrics are as profound as all the other songs.

This album is a real gem. A classic in fact and i think i'd even go so far as to say it's the greatest record ever made. Beatles and the Stones? Rubbish! Hasselhoff is the man.
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5 out of 5 stars Completely Robbed by MTV Awards Last Year for Best Newcomer, April 1, 2005
Reviewer: A music fan from Hamburg
Okay people, i've been reading your reviews and it seems, although it may just be me, that not all of you are actually Hasselhoff ('The Big Duke') fans. You know, for years now, I've been sticking up for the Big Duke as people made fun of him because he was ahead of the times with his perm, or because they simply didn't have the brains to 'get' the Duke's smash hit "Je t'aime Means I Love You" (which hit number 1 in Germany AND Austria for all you people who think he's a talentless idiot who speaks to cars) and other such tracks which require his listeners to be fluent in 14 differnt languages.

For years i've been spat on, whipped, kicked in the nutsack and all kinds of things you could never imagine unless you actually WENT to the Duke's live gigs. At those live gigs, you won't find, as i'm sure you mean people think, a bunch of losers with mullets and perms, but a united group of intellectuals all bound together by their love for the only person in this world who REALLY knows how to rock so goddamn hard to the point they cry.

The Duke once said "listen guys, hate is nothing compared to love, and if you hate, then you hate waking up next to the most beautiful woman that's ever lived" and i've never heard a truer word, or words, spoken. So let the Duke's words carry you to a different plain, to a place where you will no longer be scared of being rocked so hard people think you're a homosexual, or a "stupid fake-tanned perm-headed Kraut-sausage-smoking turd smeller" as a narrow-minded Englishmen called me just recently (It's a real tan by the way you buttface)

This collection brings together all your favourite hits. Who could forget "After manana mi ciello", which i believe made many waves over in the UK hitting the charts at number 429, in which the Duke serenade's a lonely Cello who nobody wishes to blow anymore. Once again showing his fluency in different languages, the Duke kicks off the song "Dance dance d'amour" with a foot-stomping call to all you people who love to be rocked to "Clap your hands, like you're at the party of the most beautiful woman who ever lived's home" over and over again until we're finally pulled into the Duke's world, and can feel the anguish of D'amour, a parapalegic Spaniard who finally wakes from his depression thanks to our hero Dave. Of course, his masterpiece "I believe" was David's answer to Cher during the whole "Hair Wars" of the late 90's, which cost the lives of several great stylists. Fortunately they overcame their problems together, but this song takes you back to those tense summers when David proved that Yes Cher! I do believe in love after love!

The album ends with possibly the most popular Duke song ever (i always thought it was over-rated by the media) "Du", which apparently means "You" in German (is there no end to this guy's talents in learning new languages?) in which the Big Duke looks into the mirror and sings beautifully about his life and career, letting us slip inside his mind for the 4 minute duration of the song. Opening himself up to people like never before, it brings a tear to my eye whenever i hear the immortal lyrics "Du (you) were so great in Baywatch, Du have smooth pec's, the critics only hate du because you look so cool when you flex...but du have great hair, and they can't take that away, nobody looks cooler on a motorcyle, despite what KIT say". I know exactly what you're feeling David, i have been through it all myself, but please, don't take your life away. Don't think that ending your life so early in your career, whilst at the peak of your existence will make anybody respect you any more. They DON'T understand you Duke, i, and the legions of Dukesters DO.

So go out and buy this album. It has everything. It will make you cry and laugh (The Duke's comic routine on the track "The Best is Yet to Come" matches Pryor, Murphy AND Barrymore at their peaks) and sing "Hallelujah!" as the Big Duke takes you on a roller-coaster ride of pure rock. Keep hold of your hat, because it's going to be a wild ride!

17 Germans can't be wrong. Buy it!

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ArtistInTheAmbulance

Haha thats awesome... That made my day, thanks

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shake your wings like theyre laced with sound!

Fenixpunk

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Urban Hatemonger

Some more Best Of David Hasselhoff......

5 out of 5 stars Sheer joy, no divisions, March 3, 2005
Reviewer: Richard Gardham from Hull
I know the comparisons between David Hasselhoff and Ian Curtis are inevitable, and have been made my far more knowledgable people than myself when it comes to music, but I actually think Hoff outshines anything Joy Division ever did with this Best Of.

Hot City Love is undoubtedly David's Love Will Tear Us Apart, an intellegent, melancholy affair. But whereas Curtis only ever recorded two albums, Hasselhoff is on to at least his 15th (that I own anyway). The Curtis/Hasselhoff arguments will continue to rage across the music press, but, for me at least, with this collection Hasselhoff will leave no one in any doubt as to who is the greatest. It's Hasselhoff, by the way.
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5 out of 5 stars Once again the Hoffmeister delivers pure genius, December 14, 2004
Reviewer: archbishopinsertionratio from Heaven
Although many have tried, few have succeeded in blending an album so pure - that it *literally* takes you closer to heaven.

Undoubtedly Hasslehoff has achieved this, with this, his 173rd album to date. Although the previous 172 albums would all feature in my "Top 173 Album list" this one, as the title suggests is the Very Best (of David Hasslehoff).

After listening to this album in a state of utter nirvana, I've taken the decision to simply glue the CD drawer of my CD player shut, with this CD inside I need never to hear another track. That is how good this album is, nothing will ever trancsend the timeless beauty of this CD.

Although I appreciate that my next sentence may be extremely controversial - I believe that the track "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.Mind blowing, July 5, 2004
Reviewer: Tim Boott from Tokyo, Mars
Took the day off work to wait for the postman to arrive with my copy of this blinder. I slammed up the volume as loud as I could and blew my brains away with Highway to your heart.

Wow what an opener. Despite already owning 38 copies of this CD every new purchase is like giving myself a birthday treat.

I was pleased to find my personal favourite Hot Shot City making a reappearence on the CD. A classic I havent heard since I saw David perform on top of the Berlin Wall in '92.

After melting the CD from over playing and rewinding the damn thing I bought another. A must have.
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5 out of 5 stars Hasselhoff, March 22, 2004
Reviewer: Clayson from Lundun
Quite simply the most devastatingly innovative artist of the millenium. Brilliance oozes from every one of these 16 timeless tracks. Surely he must now be mentioned in the company of the greats, Morrison, Cobain, Curtis, Hasselhoff.
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5 out of 5 stars Hasselhoff Uber Alles, February 27, 2004
Reviewer: ianfist from London
Not since the first performance of Beethoven's 'Eroica' shook the Viennese haute-monde out of their seats has there been a more determined, brutal attempt to wrench the tree of music up by the roots. For my part I would rather have been behind the mixing desk during the first take of 'Hot Shot City' than in the audience at the Theater an der Wein on April 7, 1805.

Hasselhoff an artist who works from a broad and beautiful palette, succesfully blending the nervous energy of a young Stephan Dennis with the cutting-edge pomp of the modern greats - Foreigner - Roxette - Bonnie Tyler - to produce a new sound for a new Deutchsland.

Many of the songs on this album defy explanation. I doubt even David himself could give a coherent account of the mental processes which led him to compose 'Highway to your Heart' or to the sublime bassline which supports the heartbreaking,fragile beauty of 'Flying on the Wings of Tenderness'. The track 'Crazy for You' will burrow into your brain like a parasitic worm and lay burning Rock'n'Roll eggs in your limbic system. Track 16 is named 'Du'. The word 'Du' means 'You' in German.

The only flaws exposed by intense, repeated listening to this wonderful album are those flaws inherent in us, the listeners. For example, whenever I listen to track 5 - 'Everybody Sunshine' my colostomy bag explodes, showering me with faecal matter. It's a small price to pay, I'm sure you'll agree for time spent at the feet of the greatest master of the greatest of the arts.

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Trauma

Oh God, I got a little plastic doll thing about the size of a bottle of wine for my step-mom that was David Hasslehoff. All he said was cheesy pick-up lines about how good his chest hair looked...she hates the Hoff....priceless...

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dog

wat an idiot, bout the spinal tap stuff. ignorant.

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JayJamJah

I nearly shat reading those Hasselhoff parodies.

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My Van Morrison Discography Thread

WaspStar

I'm fond of this one:


File under "easy listening", October 15, 2000
By Michael Vanier (Pasadena, CA) -

"Metal Machine Music marked a significant departure for Lou Reed when it was first released in 1975. At the time, Lou was best known for the avant-garde rock of the Velvet Underground and a string of pop-rock albums in the early '70s. On this album, however, Lou shows his versatility by abandoning vocals and traditional song forms to give us a series of relaxing instrumentals in a variety of styles. Part 1 features a series of funky jazz stylings with a distinctive bossa-nova flavor. Part 2 is more bluesy (really blues-jazz) and has a somewhat darker feel to it. Part 3 is more upbeat and danceable, and harks back to early swing or even lounge music, if you can believe it. Part 4 ties the rest of the music together and brings in a classical element reminiscent of Debussy or Satie. The remastering is welcome, as some of the more subtle aspects of the music were lost in the previous CD version. All in all, this is a wonderful album for those rainy Sunday afternoons with your Special Someone. Start a big crackling fire in the fireplace, open up a bottle of fine wine and listen to Metal Machine Music while watching the embers glow - you'll be glad you did! "


(36 out of 55 people found that review helpful; another reason not to trust Amazon reviews)

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Vote Nader '08.

Piss Me Off

Haha what a legend!

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There's nothing worse than roadside surgery y'know, you don't have your own tools and its just.... murder.
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imdesigner

the hasselhoff ones were quite good. but the spinal tap ones were epic.