The Batlord

You still looked it up. Queer.

Part III is my favorite part. And I'm in talks with Michael Bay about doing the movie. He thinks that this would be a good project to gain some critical respect.

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The Batlord

CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part III a.

I was gonna do another recap, but fuck that shit. Takes too long, and I got places to be and poseurs to bitch smack. Anyways, Blind Guardian and I were travelling down the road between the weed fields, and I was desperately tempted to reach out and grab a bud...or two...or three. I kept my resolve though, since stealing bud is totally uncool, even if there is no way that anyone would ever notice...... Anyways, we finally came up to the castle gates and passed through. Blind Guardian decided to go their own way and find someplace to throw a concert in order to spread the word of Tolkien, not to mention to champion the cause of True Metal. I wanted to go with them so that I could properly wreck my neck, get wasted, and bang some skeezy metal chicks in the bathroom, but I had to go find the king. Bidding my Brothers In Arms good bye, I made my way through the city to the keep.

At the gates of the keep, I was stopped by the castle guards until they saw my Morbid Angel shirt, said "Bitchin'!", and let me pass. I found my way to the throne room, and was instantly hit by a giant, impossibly dense cloud of straight chronic smoke. The contact high was instant and profound. I started to make my way to the throne, but the thick haze of ganja smoke made it impossible to see clearly, and I smelled cupcakes somewhere to the left, which was as good a direction as any to go, since I was too baked to remember where the fuck I was anyway. On my way to the cupcakes, I noticed that there were hella bangin' stoner chicks everywhere, all wearing dreadlocks and Bob Marley shirts. They coulda shaved their armpits, but the weed was making me pretty horny, so it was all good. I thought I was starting to trip when I saw a goat-headed demon thing, but it was just some dude in a goat mask. I finally found the cupcakes, which were vanilla with chocolate frosting and multi-colored sprinkles, but it turned out that they were "special" cupcakes. So, now almost comatose, I just zoned out in a comfy ass chair while some dude I didn't know talked my ear off about how the US needed to stop supporting Israel or some shit. I woulda told him to fuck off, since only poseurs give a shit about the middle east, but two chicks were making out right next to us, so I just watched them and tried to cop a feel. About two hours later, I 'd finally sobered up enough to actually get out of the chair, so I cock puched that annoying twat who had seriously been talking at me for two straight hours!

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The Batlord

CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part III b.

Then, I finally made my way to the throne, and discovered Jus Osbourne from Electric Wizard, smoking some of the stickiest icky I'd ever seen out of a giant hookah, while sitting on a huge, ornate throne in the shape of a bong. I almost came in my pants. Non-poseurs will known why. He sees my walking up to him, and says, "Dude, awesome shirt. Covenant is the best fuckin' album", and I say, "Yeah, Covenant is sick, but I'm all about Altars of Madness." He takes a mighty hit, says, "That is a pretty bitchin' album, but that isn't why you have come, is it?", and then he breathes out a billowing cloud of smoke. I then tell him of all of the events that have transpired in the past...day? Two Days? I don't fucking know. Fuck it. Anyways, I tell him everything, "...and then I hit that dude in the dick, cause he just wouldn't shut the fuck up!" Jus took another hit, held it for a long while, with an intense, thoughtful expression on his face, then released it and spoke, "I know how to send you home, but we shall not speak of this tonight. Tonight, we shall get fucked up." And so it was.

After I had downed a fifth of Jack Daniels, a six pack of PBR, two Xanax, some E, smoked more weed than I can remember, and banged my head to some Obituary, Jus clapped his hands, and in walked 70's Debbie Harry from Blondie who lead me away to a bedroom. I know some dudes must be all like, "Blondie?! That's some shitty girl band!", but they can suck a dick and choke. Blondie were one of the original CBGB's punk bands, and kicked ass. Besides, Debbie harry is a fox. So suck it. Anyways, I then snorted a line of coke off Debbie Harry's ass, flipped her over, and went balls deep in her fur pie. I'd go into more detail, but I'm classy like that. In the morning, after I'd iced down my penis, I went to the throne room and found Jus eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and wearing a kick ass Hellhammer shirt. After he had finished, he began to speak, "Beneath this castle is a staircase. At the bottom of this staircase is an evil temple where a nightmare rests. Cthulhu has been asleep beneath this castle since time immemorial, and this castle was built to contain him. Unfortunately, his minions are even now beneath our very feet, performing dark and hideous rites so that their master may once again walk in the land of the living. All champions that we have sent to deal with this grave threat have never returned, but I see that you are a True Metalhead of the highest caliber, so if anyone can stop Cthulhu's rising, it is you. There is a gateway in this temple that can take you back to your world that can only be accessed by a true Defender of the Faith such as you. You must stop Cthulhu from rising if you hope to ever see your home again." When he had finished speaking, I then said, "Dude! Cthulhu? Bitchin'! Show me this staircase so I can blow this shitsickle stand. Exodus are playing next week and I ain't missin' that shit!" And with that, the final leg of my kick ass journey began.

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The Batlord

CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part IV

'Tis a bittersweet day. 'Tis the day that you will finish reading of my intense awesometasticness, but it is also the day that I shall finally be revealed to you and all the world as the great and mighty hero that I have always known myself to be. You are truly fortunate. As I entered the stone spiral staircase leading down to Cthulhu's temple and began my descent, I had nothing to break the monotony of the featureless stone except for an incessant itching in my crotch. I would later discover that that bitch, Debbie Harry, gave me chlamydia. After a long time, I began to see light coming from the bottom of the staircase. I also heard strange chanting, so I said a quick prayer to Cliff Burton and finished my descent. When I stepped out of the staircase, I was in a huge stone chamber with a massive altar to Cthulhu at the far end. Kneeling before the altar were at least twenty hooded men. When they heard me walking towards them, they stood up, turned around, and pulled down their hoods. I was horrified at what I saw.

They had emo haircuts! Cthulhu's minions all had stupid black and pink and green dyed fringe hiaircuts. They were poseurs! That could mean only one thing. I became dizzy with the implications and collapsed. Cthulhu...Cthulhu was a poseur! This couldn't be! All that I loved and held dear was being called into question. I hadn't been this disillusioned since Bum Fights got snubbed for an Oscar. While I was incapacitated, the poseur minions grabbed me and shackled me to the altar. They intended to sacrifice me to their poseur god, for only the blood of True Metalhead could raise him from his slumber. They began to chant again, and one of them picked up a cruel looking curved dagger that, under normal circumstances I would have described as bitchin', and held it over my heart. At this point, my senses had returned to me, and I realized my peril, but to no avail. I was unable to move and my death was imminent. Ctulhu's poseur reign of terror was about to begin.

But just then, when all hope seemed lost, I felt the spirit of Cliff Burton suffuse my limbs, and give me a strength such as I had never known (I had to say "suffuse my limbs" because the only other phrase I could think of was "entered me" and no man should ever say that another man has entered him.) I then broke the chains that were holding me, grabbed the dagger, that I would now certainly describe as bitchin', and went all "Puncture Wound Massacre" on the vile poseur priests. Glory to the brave and fuck all purveyors of false metal! Now that I had killed the poseurs and stopped Cthulhu's rise, there was nothing left to do now but to step through the doorway of the portal and return home. When I stepped through the portal, I appeared back on Earth in exactly the same place that I had been when my journey began. It also appeared that no time had passed, since there was still a circle pit of cops beating the shit out of each other on my lawn, my neighbors were still bitching, and, most importantly, High On Fire were still kicking ass all over the time-space continuum on my stereo. Sweet. So, to celebrate, I grabbed a beer, lit up a joint, and punched the old bat across the street in the face.

And that is how I saved the multiverse from certain destruction at the hands of Cthulhu. Your welcome.

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The Batlord

Well, I've decided to check out the debut album by Bikini Kill. For those who don't know, Bikini Kill were a punk rock band from the nineties. They supposedly started the "Riot Grrrl" movement (whatever that is), and were a radical feminist band (goody). I guess I should familiarize myself with the band first:


Not bad. I certainly wouldn't kick her outta bed. The whole thousand yard stare thing she's got goin' on is quite the turn on. I like to know my women are probably crying in the corner in shame when I've rolled off and passed out.


Bit dudish, but not in a bad way. I dig me some short haired androgyny. Give her a strap on and we've got something goin' on!

Tobi Vail

And here I was thinking this band would be a bunch of unshaved, butch body builders with lesbian hair cuts. Seems that we got the makings of a good ol' fashioned orgy on our hands here instead.


I tried finding a pic of Billy Karren, but apparently he's a dude, and nobody gives a **** about some dude in a band full of bangin' chicks. Me neither. It'd be nice to be him though. Aw yeah. Gettin' it.

Wasn't I supposed to actually review their album or something? I guess it's just as well, since I never actually listened to the damn thing.

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Blarobbarg

Well Batty, so far, your thread is fantastic. Long live true metal.

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Plankton

Best band review... ever.

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See location...

Unknown Soldier

So what's the subject matter of your next epic going to be about?

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

This Site Must Have a Headbanging Emoticon

I think that that statement bears repeating. This site must have a headbanging emoticon. The band emoticon simply is not sufficient and is only used by n00bs and poseurs. Headbanging is a serious and important part of any True Metalhead's life, and deserves the respect granted by an emoticon. The lack of this, among other things, already designates this forum as a heathen poseur site, but continued failure to heed my commands shall force me to officially designate this as an infidel poseur site. You have been warned.

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The Batlord

I'm PMing you about this because I sort of have to stay in character in the thread, and this would sort of kill that. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm gonna do another one since the joke may have been taken to it's logical conclusion already. The only way to expand on it would be to make a longer one, and the first one's shortness is hard to replicate in a longer one and might just jump the shark. I already tried writing another one and it sort of fell apart. I've got a bitchin' first chapter though that makes me want to try again sometime. Maybe I'll just post it like a bonus track or something.

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