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Old 10-31-2005, 11:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Default A Lesson Learnt (Or is it Learned? Learned is an adjective?)

As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

He left you burned
A cinder girl
A lesson learnt
A scar across your wrist

He made you doubt
Humanity
So unforgiving
Deaf to all your pleas

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

My stapled tongue
My mouth absurd
You fill this mind with poetry
But leave me lost for words

(I scat here and its works!)

So I’ll pour my thoughts out
Onto post-it notes
And leave them on your mirror each day
To let you see what I wrote

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

(random singing bits)
The last time
You say goodbye
The last time
I won't be the one to say goodbye
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Old 10-31-2005, 01:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default

O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!
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Old 10-31-2005, 03:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

A scar across your wrist

no. do not ever write about cutting. don't care if you do it or know someone who does. scar = beyond cliche
__________________
One note timeless, came out of nowhere...
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by right-track
O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!
I won't be saying that to you, as you've just been more helpful than you probably realise! That was the line I was having most trouble with and you've just given me a new idea for how I can add something that fits there. Great help!

Keep the criticisms coming.
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