Merkaba

Light is only the eyes travelling past your life
Emptyness is a virtue
Be grateful you have nothing to lose
If I said soar I'd only expect you to jump

I could be your ecstasy

Freedom hangs off the four corners of this world
Who am I to say they don't exist
If your willing to take the fall
I'm only too happy to push

I could be your ecstasy

Raid the thought cabinet
Think things through
I wanna be your ecstasy
Only to dissapoint you when correction is due.

I could be your ecstasy

The rules to succeed
Are handed out at conception
Every man has his own
Someone must have just burnt yours.

I could have been your ecstasy.
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Yeah so this song is another one of my boredom moments. I think I actually like writing, but I don't know how crap the material is until you tell me.

Hmmm the above is about self esteem. The lack of it, more or less. And that one prick who you always thought was there to support you, is only there for the kicks and manipulation. That one who is dragging you down while your still looking up.

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Right you lot, shut it. Strewth Fowler my son, all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what. The govenor's talking, Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty, could go a little pear-shaped. If there's a rough things might be well iffy. These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean, a little bit of oof, have some of that my son, bosh, sorted, ta ta, got me, so be clever. Good, now shut it!

DontRunMeOver

I didn't like these that much Merkaba. They lack 'poetry', or rather they're just very blunt. They seem to use almost exactly the same language that you'd use to make a normal, conversational forum post.

That's all I've got for the moment. I'll try and give a bit more input later.

riseagainstrocks

I don't understand the metaphor's you are making with lines such as

and

but on a positive not the line "If your willing to take the fall
I'm only too happy to push" is rather witty and fits nicely.

as DontRunMeOver said, the language used is a bit bland, but there are good points to this piece. Try rewriting some passages and playing around with the words.

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www.siegemusic.blogspot.com

One note timeless, came out of nowhere...

Merkaba

Wicked, thanks for the words guys. I had to start somewhere so I guess it's not a bad start, Cheers

That bit, Raid the thought cabinet, was supposed to be saying think for yourself, and then theres the ecstacy guy who does whatever it takes to make you feel miserable. Think of it as being stuck in a pit(depression) and your trying to climb out(thinking for yourself) and then theres someone at the top who shoves you back down(the corrections guy).

Ever seen the Lion King, when Scar lets Mufasa die after his efforts to escape death? Kinda like that. But no matter what, it is still too confusing, I agree.

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Right you lot, shut it. Strewth Fowler my son, all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what. The govenor's talking, Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty, could go a little pear-shaped. If there's a rough things might be well iffy. These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean, a little bit of oof, have some of that my son, bosh, sorted, ta ta, got me, so be clever. Good, now shut it!

Vanilla

I thought "I could be your ecstacy" was very metal. I was head banging.

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tambo

I guess I'm the kinda guy who likes my songs to rhyme-no matter how Pop that might sound. Songs like these work better with a backing. It seems as though you have thrown metaphors into this song to give it more credibility, when it isn't needed.