Come One Come All! (quote, song)

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 12-05-2005, 01:09 AM

Ben Stivers
12/5/05

Come One Come All! It's The Miracle of Locomotion! (Jenn’s Song)

My voice will linger for miles,
If only you could hear it fading.

It cracks and pours through static lines,
And I die at the end of the day,
But left with just enough life,
To hear my heart stop.

I’ve got your words in my head,
Like a ghost on the fallen snow.
Winter brings me back,
And I’m warmed by your beauty.

When I get to the station, when I board that last train,
I could let this cold freeze newly fallen rain.
And I could leave it like that, a crystal clear reflection on glassed over lakes,
But nothing compares to the sight and the heat of the sun
At the break of the day.

And when the crash leaves me stranded,
Could you warm this heart?

riseagainstrocks · 12-06-2005, 09:29 AM

Its not bad but it uses some cliched lines.

Quote:

And I die at the end of the day,
But left with just enough life,
To hear my heart stop.

Quote:

Winter brings me back,
And I’m warmed by your beauty.

I would suggest trying to come back to this song later on. The rhythm is good, but some of the imagery is overdone. Plus it feels rather disjoint from stanza to stanza

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12-05-2005, 01:09 AM
A_Perfect_Sonnet Dinosaurus Rex!!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 893	Come One Come All! Ben Stivers 12/5/05 Come One Come All! It's The Miracle of Locomotion! (Jenn’s Song) My voice will linger for miles, If only you could hear it fading. It cracks and pours through static lines, And I die at the end of the day, But left with just enough life, To hear my heart stop. I’ve got your words in my head, Like a ghost on the fallen snow. Winter brings me back, And I’m warmed by your beauty. When I get to the station, when I board that last train, I could let this cold freeze newly fallen rain. And I could leave it like that, a crystal clear reflection on glassed over lakes, But nothing compares to the sight and the heat of the sun At the break of the day. And when the crash leaves me stranded, Could you warm this heart?