comments on lyrics please (goth, quote, memories, songs, guitar)

pluginbaby111 · 12-13-2005, 09:12 PM

friday nights are cold:and im sick of it
teenage heartthrob whore:and im tired
no one feels the way i do:cause were all normal
thats not what she said.

youd be better off dead in my book
youd be better off dead in my book

CHORUS:
but red hair shines tonight in school halls running
finding a place to hide
and im just avoding your face
in time, he'll pass by

and by then youll be on to someone new
not meaning to hurt but thats all that we've seen you do
and hes just another knotch in your rhyme stone belt
hes just another teenage heartache

VERSE:
and ill take in the way that you flirt everyday with the words that you say
you were far to cute

but crazy little girls only get so far

youd be better off dead in my book
youd be better off dead in my book

CHORUS:

guitar break:

OUTRO":
so why dont you do?
go dig your own grave: dont think that i havnt noticed your mistakes
so why cant you cry: ill make you wish that you stayed home that night
in the back of the shcool: where you stood like a fool that you are
i would never dare to dream back that far
thats far.

constructive critisism is welcome

**sleepy jack fire drill** · 12-13-2005, 10:08 PM

Alot of those lines are rip offs of other songs. Im not gonna dig up the songs but be more original, and over all it wasn't that good.

Merkaba · 12-14-2005, 01:43 AM

Overall I don't particularly like it. I don't like the heartbreak songs so call me bias. But the opening verse is good except for the last line, I feel like I've heard that one a billion times.

youd be better off dead in my book - a no go. You could still say the same thing, but do it more creatively. That line as it is, is pretty cliche.

I don't know the first thing about songwriting so I'm only saying what I feel right now. So keep on delving, you can only explore further.

big coffin hunter · 12-14-2005, 02:02 PM

everybody that posts in song writting sucks i think the reason is becase uve havent heard it with instraments and the person sing it i think some of these might be good if we heard them not read them

TrampInaTux · 12-16-2005, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by big coffin hunter

everybody that posts in song writting sucks i think the reason is becase uve havent heard it with instraments and the person sing it i think some of these might be good if we heard them not read them

you have just named my problem. My songs sound brilliant with the beat but without the beat they just sound a little flat. Then when I write without the beat in my head the lyrics are brilliant but the beat is awful. Overall I think the above song just scraped an average. Some of the mines were awful cliches 'youd be better off dead in my book' but I think considering you are a newbie then this is a decent first try. I've seen a lot worse.

matt_shattered_2006 · 12-18-2005, 01:49 PM

All these years I've spent in pain
You will never feel
All these scars I hide
Never to reveal
Even though you're here
I am alone
Look through my eyes
Into my heart of stone

Chorus
Fading
My light just isn't shining as bright
Changing
My life. Things aren't as right
As if
I had you right here with me
Drowning
Alone in all my memories

Time stands still as the seasons change
I feel the cold
Being here alone
Is growing so old
So is the thought
Of you here with me
I scream out for you
But it echoes back to me

Chorus

matt_shattered_2006 · 12-18-2005, 01:55 PM

don't talk as much about a certain day or time just make it all blend together over the whole ordeal. talk more about how you feel and don't mention death or anything just talk about how cold or alone or sad or happy or anything else you feel.

either/or · 12-20-2005, 02:03 AM

yeah plug in baby a few of your lyrics do sound quite cliche. i think you could rethink some of these and make them a little less obvious. use less of the word heartache. matt i like your song except for the line about heart of stone. a heart of stone doesnt break so why are you singing about pain a girl has caused you? unless now you have a heart of stone after what she did to you.

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12-13-2005, 09:12 PM
pluginbaby111 Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1	comments on lyrics please friday nights are cold:and im sick of it teenage heartthrob whore:and im tired no one feels the way i do:cause were all normal thats not what she said. youd be better off dead in my book youd be better off dead in my book CHORUS: but red hair shines tonight in school halls running finding a place to hide and im just avoding your face in time, he'll pass by and by then youll be on to someone new not meaning to hurt but thats all that we've seen you do and hes just another knotch in your rhyme stone belt hes just another teenage heartache VERSE: and ill take in the way that you flirt everyday with the words that you say you were far to cute but crazy little girls only get so far youd be better off dead in my book youd be better off dead in my book CHORUS: guitar break: OUTRO": so why dont you do? go dig your own grave: dont think that i havnt noticed your mistakes so why cant you cry: ill make you wish that you stayed home that night in the back of the shcool: where you stood like a fool that you are i would never dare to dream back that far thats far. constructive critisism is welcome

12-14-2005, 01:43 AM
Merkaba Whitewater! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 2,794	Overall I don't particularly like it. I don't like the heartbreak songs so call me bias. But the opening verse is good except for the last line, I feel like I've heard that one a billion times. youd be better off dead in my book - a no go. You could still say the same thing, but do it more creatively. That line as it is, is pretty cliche. I don't know the first thing about songwriting so I'm only saying what I feel right now. So keep on delving, you can only explore further. __________________ Right you lot, shut it. Strewth Fowler my son, all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what. The govenor's talking, Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty, could go a little pear-shaped. If there's a rough things might be well iffy. These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean, a little bit of oof, have some of that my son, bosh, sorted, ta ta, got me, so be clever. Good, now shut it!

12-14-2005, 02:02 PM
big coffin hunter Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: fitchburg MA Posts: 92	everybody that posts in song writting sucks i think the reason is becase uve havent heard it with instraments and the person sing it i think some of these might be good if we heard them not read them

12-18-2005, 01:49 PM
matt_shattered_2006 Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 2	Check out these lyrics and e-mail me matt_shattered_2006@yahoo.com All these years I've spent in pain You will never feel All these scars I hide Never to reveal Even though you're here I am alone Look through my eyes Into my heart of stone Chorus Fading My light just isn't shining as bright Changing My life. Things aren't as right As if I had you right here with me Drowning Alone in all my memories Time stands still as the seasons change I feel the cold Being here alone Is growing so old So is the thought Of you here with me I scream out for you But it echoes back to me Chorus

12-18-2005, 01:55 PM
matt_shattered_2006 Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 2	don't talk as much about a certain day or time just make it all blend together over the whole ordeal. talk more about how you feel and don't mention death or anything just talk about how cold or alone or sad or happy or anything else you feel.

12-20-2005, 02:03 AM
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 374	yeah plug in baby a few of your lyrics do sound quite cliche. i think you could rethink some of these and make them a little less obvious. use less of the word heartache. matt i like your song except for the line about heart of stone. a heart of stone doesnt break so why are you singing about pain a girl has caused you? unless now you have a heart of stone after what she did to you.