madeinNY

I think I will add that line, thanks Crazy.

That close your eyes and die thing...thats just telling you that the person died. And that when your in the dark that's what you feel like when your guilty.

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TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

How were we supposed to get that?

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

sleepy jack

I second that it seemed like it was about nothing, and to be honest i don't think the songs improved at all, maybe a little bit, but thats it. It still seems the same.

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I'm not blind, I believe in you.

madeinNY

Maybe I'm the only one that gets it because I wrote it...but whatever, I'm not giving up.

What else could I do to make it better?

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TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Well heres the problem I think you have here (because I always have it). You know what you mean, and you're trying to be subtle. The last thing you want is exposition. Except things will seem to you like you came out and said it, when the rest of us may thing its actually just enough.

If I wrote a song about my 3 year old brother dying in a car accident because a drunk driver hit he and my mother and I wrote the lines:

"A corpse amoungst spinkled glass on blood and asphault at then hands negligence and suds"

Aside from being ****ty (becuase I wrote it just now), its also confusing as hell to the average reader cause they don't know what the **** im talking about it.

In short, be less indirect, but don't go and say "someone died in their sleep"

And no don't give up.

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

madeinNY

Alright I'll be working on it, thanks much.

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madeinNY

OK, I made revisions..I think it may be worse now though...I also chaged the title.

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either/or

not every song has to be got. i still get that something bad has happened and i feel for it but not every song has to be got. we can still understand that theres been pain and stuff but we dont need to have it spelled out for us all the time, like those books that leave you wondering what happens in the VERY end. or a movie like before sunset, if uve seen it you know what happens at the end. they leave you to wonder at what will happen, not telling you exactly what happened. and it makes it even better.

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Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation

madeinNY

That's what I was thinking too, either/or ... I have the original song saved somewhere on my comp so I won't lose it, but I want to see what this one on here turns out like.

So you like the song, e/o?

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either/or

as usual madein your song gets my nod of approval.

__________________
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation