TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Look I don't want to be a **** here, but if you are so easily disuaded to work on this by one approving comment, then don't write anything ever again.

And to either/or, if you were comparing that original peice (i have yet to read the revision) to something like Nabakov's "Invitation to a Beheading" or Momento, or Sideways, in which we get an overwheling amount of information and an accute minority of information left out, then you aren't helping her.

The fact is you need alot of information to know what information you aren't getting. In this original version, we could assume so much about what might or might not be going on that no ones going to bother.

Readers like Wiggle room, we like interpertation, but if you think that much wiggle room is good, just hand them a book with blank pages.

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

madeinNY

I am going to continue working on this one, Big3. I never said I was going to stop.

Now, kindly please read the revised one and give me feedback.

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I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Kingdom of mirriors was an improvement (the actual line I mean) but theres alot here that I would improve still. I was thinking, it might help if you changed the narration. 2nd person isn't the best for what you're doing here. What about 3rd person omnicent?

It still feels like a guessing game. Tell me exactly what you're after here, it will help us all give you better information. If that was confusing what im looking for is a responce that ebgins like

"What I was going for here was..."

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

madeinNY

Well, what I'm going for here is....this person thinks that going to hell isn't so bad because no one judges you there, because they've all done horrible things as well...do you get it?

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I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol