Five Poems (dance, Queen)

**sleepy jack** · 01-07-2006, 10:52 PM

1

Every star i see is brighter than the last
and I'd gladly plunge my heart into their fire
create a shooting star for you and i
it would be, something, to die for

2

So lets fly into the sky
Wrapped in eachothers wings
Your feathers are so divine
The beautiful brown they are
Just like your shining eyes
A beautiful eagle in all its glory

3

if i could take the earth
if i could till the soil
i'd plant a garden for you
and i'd name it rose

4

So take my hand and lets leave this mortal Life
Lets dance through fields forever
The green grass slipping between our toes
The dew coats your hair like a crown
Lets fly though space
Two step among the stars till the end of our days
You are my beauty queen

5

Tonight, she imagines she can fly
Tonight, i think i shall get high
I miss the heroin in my veins
I miss the chemical in my brains
As i take this dose, i wonder what shes doing
She jumps off the building to her death
I take this injection to my death

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-07-2006, 10:55 PM

WOW! thats all i can say!

Crazy Luv · 01-07-2006, 11:18 PM

i liked 1, 2, 4, & 5.

number three was "umm'k" for me, if that makes sense.

on number 5, the I take this injection to my death, the to my death could of been done differently for me, but none the less, its still good.

**sleepy jack** · 01-07-2006, 11:20 PM

To my death, works with to her death.

**LesPaul43** · 01-07-2006, 11:48 PM

yeah Ethan i liked 1.2.4.5 3 wasnt so strong...maybe just to me because maybe it meant something to you but i just didnt understand it

either/or · 01-08-2006, 04:16 AM

i liked 3. short and simple. 5 was awesome !

Crowe · 01-09-2006, 04:58 PM

I agree! I like em all, as well - I like 3 the best actually.

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-09-2006, 05:05 PM

i there all great in there own ways...

creepinson · 01-09-2006, 05:30 PM

dude are the crits on this forum lame or what?

lol

#1 i liked the second line most of all... although the imagery is good throughout the piece, i think, judging by your caliber of writing, that just about everything other than the second line could use a bit of a tweak. Particularly the first and last lines... which didnt make as much of a bang as i would have expected...

#2 I have few problems with this... its a wonderful concept, and though almost seeming cliche, it comes across well. Again the first and last parts of the piece, work well with the piece, but come across a little weak on their own. The only other major thing is that shining eyes is a bit overused maybe a tweak... great piece

#3 the second and final lines are quite good... the rest seems to be a bit out of place. although it doesnt seem to be in keeping with the rest of your pieces, i'd love to see these pieces expanded, even by one or two lines. It somehow seems a waste to leave such a visual concept with so little imagery.

#4 i like this piece alot, except for the ending... i really dont wanna sound harsh, but man, it killed it. I would love to see you carry on the cilestial (spelling?) theme you had going on, or atleast make something less cliche.

#5 this is definately my least favourite of them all. I LOVE the concept... but you really ruined it for me with the second, and final 2 lines. I thought the second was just a bit crude, especially when coupled with a relatively angelic image. I would have liked to see you carry on the more angelic feel of the piece until the end, sorta relate the high to thinking ones' self an angel (or more prominant religous figures, the J bomb?). I disliked the last two lines mainly because it killed the angelic vibe i was getting. I definately think its a good ending to the little narrative youve got going on, but agian, a bit crude for the vibe im getting...

do you think you could crit my song Arsonist at My Doorstep? id really like to see what you think about it

**sleepy jack** · 01-09-2006, 05:35 PM

Word' i'll get on it, thanks for the input i was getting a tad bored of having my ass kicked. I'll get around to fixing it and posting fixed versions.

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01-07-2006, 10:52 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,560	Five Poems 1 Every star i see is brighter than the last and I'd gladly plunge my heart into their fire create a shooting star for you and i it would be, something, to die for 2 So lets fly into the sky Wrapped in eachothers wings Your feathers are so divine The beautiful brown they are Just like your shining eyes A beautiful eagle in all its glory 3 if i could take the earth if i could till the soil i'd plant a garden for you and i'd name it rose 4 So take my hand and lets leave this mortal Life Lets dance through fields forever The green grass slipping between our toes The dew coats your hair like a crown Lets fly though space Two step among the stars till the end of our days You are my beauty queen 5 Tonight, she imagines she can fly Tonight, i think i shall get high I miss the heroin in my veins I miss the chemical in my brains As i take this dose, i wonder what shes doing She jumps off the building to her death I take this injection to my death __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

01-07-2006, 10:55 PM
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 305	WOW! thats all i can say!

01-07-2006, 11:18 PM
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 376	i liked 1, 2, 4, & 5. number three was "umm'k" for me, if that makes sense. on number 5, the I take this injection to my death, the to my death could of been done differently for me, but none the less, its still good. __________________ Gotta Problem Wit Me...SOLVE IT..Think Im Trippin...TIE MA SHOE..Cant Face Me..THEN TURN DA FUCK AROUND Though our hands are chained like they are They haven't taken music from us yet So that's how we'll fight We'll never apologize for saying what we feel Thats like apologizing just for being real

01-07-2006, 11:20 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,560	To my death, works with to her death. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

01-07-2006, 11:48 PM
LesPaul43 Bring da Ruckus Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,013	yeah Ethan i liked 1.2.4.5 3 wasnt so strong...maybe just to me because maybe it meant something to you but i just didnt understand it __________________ Life's not a bitch life is a beautiful woman You only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

01-08-2006, 04:16 AM
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 379	i liked 3. short and simple. 5 was awesome ! __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

01-09-2006, 04:58 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 726	I agree! I like em all, as well - I like 3 the best actually.

01-09-2006, 05:05 PM
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 305	i there all great in there own ways...

01-09-2006, 05:30 PM
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 135	dude are the crits on this forum lame or what? lol #1 i liked the second line most of all... although the imagery is good throughout the piece, i think, judging by your caliber of writing, that just about everything other than the second line could use a bit of a tweak. Particularly the first and last lines... which didnt make as much of a bang as i would have expected... #2 I have few problems with this... its a wonderful concept, and though almost seeming cliche, it comes across well. Again the first and last parts of the piece, work well with the piece, but come across a little weak on their own. The only other major thing is that shining eyes is a bit overused maybe a tweak... great piece #3 the second and final lines are quite good... the rest seems to be a bit out of place. although it doesnt seem to be in keeping with the rest of your pieces, i'd love to see these pieces expanded, even by one or two lines. It somehow seems a waste to leave such a visual concept with so little imagery. #4 i like this piece alot, except for the ending... i really dont wanna sound harsh, but man, it killed it. I would love to see you carry on the cilestial (spelling?) theme you had going on, or atleast make something less cliche. #5 this is definately my least favourite of them all. I LOVE the concept... but you really ruined it for me with the second, and final 2 lines. I thought the second was just a bit crude, especially when coupled with a relatively angelic image. I would have liked to see you carry on the more angelic feel of the piece until the end, sorta relate the high to thinking ones' self an angel (or more prominant religous figures, the J bomb?). I disliked the last two lines mainly because it killed the angelic vibe i was getting. I definately think its a good ending to the little narrative youve got going on, but agian, a bit crude for the vibe im getting... do you think you could crit my song Arsonist at My Doorstep? id really like to see what you think about it

01-09-2006, 05:35 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,560	Word' i'll get on it, thanks for the input i was getting a tad bored of having my ass kicked. I'll get around to fixing it and posting fixed versions. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.