sleepy jack fire drill

It was the queerest thing
I saw trains on roads, cars on tracks
I keep secrets like these from everyone
Imagine a world out of the ordinary
Medocrity should be a crime
The poet you never tried to be
The security guard you became
The rockstar you never were
The corporate giant you became
Instead of living in riches for your sucess
You live in the suburbs with your kids
Your wife, its not a bad life
Medocrity has killed your dreams
You do feel like your life has been a waste
Your going to be remember as john doe
The nobody, loving father dedicated husband
Mediocrity is a crime
I dream dreams of a purple sky
I dream dreams of stars everywhere
Eachone beaming with having lived there life to the fullest extent
So when you sell that guitar go to college,
Remember, mediocrity should be a crime
Don't settle for normality when extraordinary is just
A long cold night, and an empty stumach away
Struggle for your dreams and you'll feel proud
Stand in your mansion with golden records and you'll see it all
A life full of accomplishments over a life full of medocrity.




Yerr i spelled some of the bigger words wrong.

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creepinson

right off the bat, it seems really scary to try to crit this... i think that if you broke it up into different stanzas it would be alot less daunting, and would also help the flow, and transition between ideas...

I noticed that there were very few literary devices like similies, metaphores, alliterations, etc. used in this, and the few that were came off a little bland

i think that "You do feel like your life has been a waste" could be replaced with something alot stronger, especially after something that hit us so hard in the previous line. I think that more metaphors will definately be a good thing, and DEFINATELY more imagery. I suppose that might just be a style i have, but i find it works out alot of the cliches and sort of filler that we sometimes find in pieces this long.

my only other major problem is the ending line, which seems to sorta fall flat. I cant really put my finger on it, but i think you sorta missed a real good opportunity to end on something that was really thought provoking, it seemed to just sorta kill the vibe.

besides that, i liked it alot, very good concept, and relatively interesting diction...

8 / 10

(oh yeah, and SPELLING lol)

sleepy jack fire drill

It was the queerest thing
I saw trains on roads, cars on tracks
I keep secrets like these from everyone
Imagine a world out of the ordinary
Mediocrity should be a crime

The poet you never tried to be
The security guard you became
Mediocrity has killed your dreams

Your life isn’t what you planned,
A loving husband, dedicated father

I dream dreams of a purple sky
I dream dreams of stars everywhere
Each one beaming with having lived there life to the fullest extent
So when you sell that guitar go to college
Remember, mediocrity should be a crime

Don't settle for normality when extraordinary is just
A long cold night, and an empty stomach away
Struggle for your dreams and you'll feel proud
Stand in your mansion with golden records and you'll see it all
Giving up is losing, and Trying is succeeding

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creepinson

nice

CombatBaby

agreed, its great
just the medocrity (instead of mediocrity) threw me off a bit at first haha