Untitled (dance, member, quote)

**sleepy jack** · 01-12-2006, 03:38 PM

"To Sleep There Forever, How Ill Miss Thou"

My paper heart was ripped to shreds today
I Placed it on display in this menagerie
You told me you'd be my tape forever and tonight
But thats not longer for snow came with winter
Carcinogen filled your lungs and took you away
But take solace in this, I'll live my life to the fullest
You will always be a silhouette on the my wall
I wont forget the reason I live each day
So heres a Serenade for you at this last dance
I feel no joy as people explode in euphoria
Only a feeling of longing for what i could not do
If only they took a gun to this reaper
I'd scream for the death penalty
For i plee for a vaccine
Maids draped in black lay dead roses on your bed
To sleep there forever, how ill miss you
Keep in mind through every little moment and every emergency
and even if the oxygen escapes me or i drown in my sleep
Ill remember you at every sunset, and every sunrise.

madeinNY · 01-12-2006, 03:49 PM

Aw, it almost made me cry. :]

It's very emo, very good, but these two lines seemed out of place to me:

If only they made a weapon to kill cancer
I'd scream louder than any banshee to be heard

The weapon to kill line should be a metaphor, I think...
And another word for banshee maybe should be used...

Title could be...A Sunrise to Kill

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 01-12-2006, 03:50 PM

love it. just love it. great stuff. theres a few typos in there, but other than that its great.

Quote:

if a vendetta comes ands kill me or I drown in my sleep

i think it should be..:

Quote:

if a vendetta should come to kill me or I drown in my sleep

**sleepy jack** · 01-12-2006, 03:54 PM

Edited.

madeinNY · 01-12-2006, 03:55 PM

Ah, perfect now, good job.

Crazy Luv · 01-12-2006, 05:11 PM

This is the best thing i read from you.

holdfasthope · 01-12-2006, 05:23 PM

fantastic. i love the reaper and the death penalty lines. im certainly a big fan, and demand more i tells ya.

jibber · 01-16-2006, 06:54 PM

I love it, flows nicely, great imagery, everything. the only thing i might change is this line
To sleep there forever, how ill miss thou
i'd change thou to you, just because "thou" just seemed to kind of stick out for me, the rest of it flows so well, and it just seemed out of place. Pretty much the only thing that I wasnt crazy about in the song. props for writing such a good one.

**sleepy jack** · 01-17-2006, 07:23 PM

kkfixed.

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01-12-2006, 03:38 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,572	Untitled "To Sleep There Forever, How Ill Miss Thou" My paper heart was ripped to shreds today I Placed it on display in this menagerie You told me you'd be my tape forever and tonight But thats not longer for snow came with winter Carcinogen filled your lungs and took you away But take solace in this, I'll live my life to the fullest You will always be a silhouette on the my wall I wont forget the reason I live each day So heres a Serenade for you at this last dance I feel no joy as people explode in euphoria Only a feeling of longing for what i could not do If only they took a gun to this reaper I'd scream for the death penalty For i plee for a vaccine Maids draped in black lay dead roses on your bed To sleep there forever, how ill miss you Keep in mind through every little moment and every emergency and even if the oxygen escapes me or i drown in my sleep Ill remember you at every sunset, and every sunrise. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

01-12-2006, 03:49 PM
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 461	Aw, it almost made me cry. :] It's very emo, very good, but these two lines seemed out of place to me: If only they made a weapon to kill cancer I'd scream louder than any banshee to be heard The weapon to kill line should be a metaphor, I think... And another word for banshee maybe should be used... Title could be...A Sunrise to Kill __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-12-2006, 03:54 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,572	Edited. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

01-12-2006, 03:55 PM
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 461	Ah, perfect now, good job. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-12-2006, 05:11 PM
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 376	This is the best thing i read from you. __________________ Gotta Problem Wit Me...SOLVE IT..Think Im Trippin...TIE MA SHOE..Cant Face Me..THEN TURN DA FUCK AROUND Though our hands are chained like they are They haven't taken music from us yet So that's how we'll fight We'll never apologize for saying what we feel Thats like apologizing just for being real

01-16-2006, 06:54 PM
jibber Freeskier Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Canuckistan Posts: 1,329	I love it, flows nicely, great imagery, everything. the only thing i might change is this line To sleep there forever, how ill miss thou i'd change thou to you, just because "thou" just seemed to kind of stick out for me, the rest of it flows so well, and it just seemed out of place. Pretty much the only thing that I wasnt crazy about in the song. props for writing such a good one. __________________ What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road. William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass. HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

01-17-2006, 07:23 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,572	kkfixed. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.