creepinson

this is something i just threw together, because i had a few concepts in my head

Epic Affliction
-------------------------
Scrambling through
Broken images plastered to the inside of my eyelids
Weariness brings me flashes and whispers
Of history which will repeat itself
Over and over again,
Not in my dreams, exactly,
But close enough,
to twist them into something
I cant bear to recognize.

If you were the only one,
I ever shared my nightmares with,
You would be enough.
And while you lay here,
With me,
We can watch the windows collapse on us
Watch them meet with the floor,
And wait for them to shatter,
Knowing the satisfaction will never come,
And that someone is sending us a sign
That it is time to accept that
We are still only human

I don’t care

I can still spend this time with you
And you will be content
Although we can both see,
Broken images plastered to the inside of my eyelids,
Screaming,
This was just an accident.

I don’t care

We are only human,
And this can be our one mistake.
I hope you cherish it.
------------------------------------

thats all... any crits?

jibber

Great concept for starters. I love the "I don't care" lines, really advances the story line of it, so whatever you do, don't take that out. This is probably due to the fact that I had less than three hours of sleep last night, but I'm curious to know what these lines are about:
Not in my dreams, exactly,
But close enough,
to twist them into something
I cant bear to recognize.

The rest of the song fits nicely together, and works well, and while I love these lines by themselves, I'm not quite sure how they fit with the rest of the song. I'm sure if you explained it i'd get it.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

Crazy Luv

go ahead with ya bad self creepinson, i like it. i kinda ignored the I dont care parts though. It wasnt needed in my opinion, but maybe im just misreading it.

__________________

creepinson

the line youre talking about jibber ties in with the images on the inside of the characters eyelids... he sees them when hes not quite sleeping (dreaming) but even still they effect what he sees while he does sleep

its all about what you think before you finally go to sleep, and sorta how you finally have a time to gather your thoughts and sorta really think about what just happened to you... you ever get that feeling that if you think about something really hard, you might be able to dream about it? this song is like that, except instead of trying to think of something, the character cant get it out of his head...

i guess i should learn to explain stuff more...

if i didnt know any better i would think you all were just feeble minded...

lol i know better

jibber

nope, don't explain stuff more, thats why the song is good, because you're not beating us over the head with content. once again, my brain doesnt function normally on only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, so don't view it as a reflection of the clarity of your writing.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

creepinson

lol good... i was wondering what was going on with you

im really not into having an authors note with everything, so i appreciate your comment

jibber

nor am I, it kills it if the author tries to explain word by word what the song means, people should be able to interpret it as they please and take what they want from it. if it's the same as the author's intent for the song, great, if not, it makes things all the more interesting. Crazy_luv, about the "I don't care" part, this may be completely off from what creep was going for, but i'll take a stab at what I get from it. I see the song as being about someone struggling with jumping into a relationship that past experiences and trials tells him will most likely fail. The I don't care part is his brain shutting out the doubt and the thoughts that it'll all come crashing down in the end. It's one big internal fight, trying to keep the thought that everything will work out alive yet unable to because of past failures.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

Crowe

I liked your interpretation jib.

When I read it, I thought that they had knocked boots and while they know the mistake will it them tommorrow, they might as well enjoy the moment.

I really, really liked this creep.

I read it over a couple of times, the one thing I feel is missing, like a hole in your stomach, is the tie in between verses. The connection there is vague and translucent. I don't know how to go about fixing it though, and even more, describing what I'd do to it since we write so differently. But a further look at that would solidify the song!

As far as semantics go....

TAKE INWARD OUT and it becomes a powerful, powerful line in my opinion. Try it out and see if you like it.

I'm going to say this in the words of the famous poet, "Nelly"
... Hot shit, creep.

jibber

funny, that's actually what i got from it the first time I read it, but then I started considering these lines more, (and in addition to what creep said about them), he's talking about thinking he might be able to dream about it all night if he just concentrates hard enough, and I thought, if i'd just done something that I knew was a mistake, I'd be trying to get it out of my head, not dwelling on it and trying to dream about it.

and now that you mention it, I agree with taking the "inward" out of that one line. The more direct route seems to me to be more powerful in this instance. Not quite sure how I feel about the disconected verses that you're talking about. I know what you mean, but they kind of went along perfectly with how I interpreted the meaning of the song. He's trying so hard to stay optimistic, but then inevitably he remembers how probably that everything will fall apart, so he jolts himself out of that train of thought but keeps slipping back despite his efforts.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

Crowe

yeah i totally agree with you. thats why i said i liked your interpretation. i liked it because it was more thought out than mine and i realized that my first interpretation was pretty cosmetic.

I'm still getting the pit in the stomach - I don't know what from, like I said I have NO idea what I would change for the verses... mmmmmmmmm drivin' me nuts. i still love the song though.