another poem (band)

Ma Cherie · 01-20-2006, 09:21 AM

Reflections of the past

When the Tepid winds are blowing
My thoughts grow chilled and knowing
With many a thought of the coming
And the past that is a nothing
But a long and lingering thought
Of that which is remenicing
Of that which I am missing
Of the forgotten days of yore
And many old tales of lore
Of many a hidden trove
Of many a tale of love
When the cold winds blowing
And when they were knowing
Of their tragic ends rove

creepinson · 01-20-2006, 08:14 PM

comment on your last poem x2

except all forms of flow are terrible

Crowe · 01-20-2006, 10:26 PM

Eh, not a great poem, not a bad poem. You are having vocabulary problems again - You go from Tepid winds to chilled thoughts. Now assuming you are going with the temperature form of "tepid" you lose consistency with the chilled thoughts, if you were talking about "tepid" in a metaphorical sense, then you still have chilled there which would confuse a reader. Tepid means lukewarm, room temperature- Chilled is obviously somewhat cold.

Now you may or may not have meant to do this, I can only assume you didn't judging by your writings in other threads, but Trove and Love do not sound the same...

the O in trove is the same sound as the O in blow
as where the...
O in love is similar to the O in above

You seemed to be doing couplet rhyming, or some wierd and outdated poem rhyming scheme.

Rove as the last word in the last line just isn't working out like you want it to. I see what you're trying to do, but it just isn't correct there.

"many old tales of lore" is redundant. Lore is generally accepted as old.

Just eh, right now you are trying too hard to rhyme and fit in vocabulary that you aren't real familiar with. It's obvious and distracting. Keep on truckin' though. Read some other people's stuff and perhaps you will get a better understanding of poetry.

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01-20-2006, 09:21 AM
Ma Cherie The Forums Sadistic Ghost Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night Posts: 444	another poem Reflections of the past When the Tepid winds are blowing My thoughts grow chilled and knowing With many a thought of the coming And the past that is a nothing But a long and lingering thought Of that which is remenicing Of that which I am missing Of the forgotten days of yore And many old tales of lore Of many a hidden trove Of many a tale of love When the cold winds blowing And when they were knowing Of their tragic ends rove __________________ I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. Polly wants a cracker! Damn it! Polly wants a Fucking cracker! Give Polly a Mother Fucking cracker! http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori

01-20-2006, 08:14 PM
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 135	comment on your last poem x2 except all forms of flow are terrible

01-20-2006, 10:26 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 715	Eh, not a great poem, not a bad poem. You are having vocabulary problems again - You go from Tepid winds to chilled thoughts. Now assuming you are going with the temperature form of "tepid" you lose consistency with the chilled thoughts, if you were talking about "tepid" in a metaphorical sense, then you still have chilled there which would confuse a reader. Tepid means lukewarm, room temperature- Chilled is obviously somewhat cold. Now you may or may not have meant to do this, I can only assume you didn't judging by your writings in other threads, but Trove and Love do not sound the same... the O in trove is the same sound as the O in blow as where the... O in love is similar to the O in above You seemed to be doing couplet rhyming, or some wierd and outdated poem rhyming scheme. Rove as the last word in the last line just isn't working out like you want it to. I see what you're trying to do, but it just isn't correct there. "many old tales of lore" is redundant. Lore is generally accepted as old. Just eh, right now you are trying too hard to rhyme and fit in vocabulary that you aren't real familiar with. It's obvious and distracting. Keep on truckin' though. Read some other people's stuff and perhaps you will get a better understanding of poetry. __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic