sleepy jack

I don't know ive gone over a few times and fixed a few parts tweaked it here and there but it bugs me..


Like the cliche heart that messed up again
and these are the politics of jealousy
and the resentment felt towards the
better fighter and the hatred feel
Toward the hug and the kiss
The walls of paranoia i build because
of the boy you talked to on the phone late
Last night the slaughter of my stumach
and the symphony of sex in my mind
Just a harmless hug, and i should trust
you yet Brigher then a shining star
My eyes burn bright with anger
and looking into your face I know
that were through and heres to forever
Your face is contagious and that smile
Is broken and that jaw is locked tight
Stay strong little girl im doing this for me
as tears fly down your eyes as i say
I dont think i love you anymore I know these
are the politics of breaking your heart

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

Merkaba

I generally really like this but I think I know what you mean about it not coming together tightly.
This part is fairly jolty. Because if I'm reading this right you've gone from telling a story in line 1 about how it's not meant to be. And then in line 2 you've gone into description mode, describing this female. They're 2 different styles of writing and maybe it needs some form of gap such as paragraphing or a connecting/continuation word such as 'Now' or 'Yet' to make things clearer.

And the second line of the piece...theres something about it that doesn't quite work but I can't quite put a finger on it. Is line two meant to fit in with line 1 more? Or line 3?

Other then that I like it, it's got a crapload going for it. Oh and it's stomach not stumach

__________________

Right you lot, shut it. Strewth Fowler my son, all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what. The govenor's talking, Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty, could go a little pear-shaped. If there's a rough things might be well iffy. These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean, a little bit of oof, have some of that my son, bosh, sorted, ta ta, got me, so be clever. Good, now shut it!

sleepy jack

Like the cliche heart that messed up again
and these are the politics of jealousy
and the resentment felt towards the
better fighter and the hatred feel
Toward the hug and the kiss
The walls of paranoia i build because
of the boy you talked to on the phone late
Last night the slaughter of my stomach
and the symphony of sex in my mind
Just a harmless hug, and i should trust
you yet Brigher then a shining star
My eyes burn bright with anger
and looking into your face I know
that were through and heres to forever
The white dresses no more keep up
Your posture and the poise matters
Because here i go with the prepared
Speech and the rehearsed lines of
Saying its not me its you, but its not
Really you its him and I can't bear the
Thought of him so look at me now
Lock your eyes with mine I see your
Face it's contagious and that smile
Is broken and that jaw is locked tight
Stay strong little girl im doing this for me
as tears fly down your eyes as i say
I dont think i love you anymore I know these
are the politics of breaking your heart


grrr, s'abit better..

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

creepinson

i really liked it... the only problems i really found were "My eyes burn bright with anger" and the final line... theyre both a bit too cliche for the song, and although some of the concepts you present are quite cliche, but the way they are presented is good. It almost gives a different perspective of what cliche is... i think, maybe... anyway, i really think its a solid piece, and those are the only to things that are really bothering me...

goodone

sleepy jack

Like the cliche heart that messed up again
and these are the politics of jealousy
and the resentment felt towards the
better fighter and the hatred feel
Toward the hug and the kiss
The walls of paranoia i build because
of the boy you talked to on the phone late
Last night the slaughter of my stomach
and the symphony of sex in my mind
Just a harmless hug, and i should trust
you yet Brigher then a shining star
and yet looking into your face I know
that were through and heres to forever
The white dresses no more keep up
Your posture and the poise matters
Because here i go with the prepared
Speech and the rehearsed lines of
Saying its not me its you, but its not
Really you its him and I can't bear the
Thought of him so look at me now
Lock your eyes with mine I see your
Face it's contagious and that smile
Is broken and that jaw is locked tight
Stay strong little girl im doing this for me
as tears fly down your eyes as i say
I dont think i love you anymore I know these
are the politics of breaking up (better)?


I just took out the burning eyes line, the ending still bugs me a bit..

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

creepinson

yeah man... im not sure about the ending... i cant find a way you could work it in... its sorta an awkward final thought... i dunno its good, but it bugs me too, and it seems like one of those things that would be hard to fix