Need a Title! (rock, quote, songs, Ching)

angel18 · 02-15-2006, 03:17 PM

hey people, I know I have posted songs in this forum before and got negative replies but here's another song. I haven't decided on a title yet. Please give an opinion on this song, even how it could be improved? Thanx

My friend feels lost today
Her granny just died yesterday
Her heart is filled with emotion
Her mind is filled with illusions
She is hypnotised with grieve and loss
She can picture her granny wearing lip gloss
Her world is broken into pieces
There is nothing left but her weakness
It was all a sudden shock
She has lost her precious rock
Everyone around her is fighting
While she sits in her room crying
She doesn’t understand why
Her granny had to die
Her granny was so out going
She was always outside doing something
Now she is gone for good
Her granny will be forever loved

TrampInaTux · 02-16-2006, 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angel18

She is hypnotised with grieve and loss
She can picture her granny wearing lip gloss

Even if that song was Grade A material (Which it wasn't) even if it was stunningly emotional (which it wasn't) and overwhelmingly heart wrenching (which it wasn't) the song would still have been crap for that line alone. I honestly hope that you never spent time writing that. I know this forum is about constructive criticism, but there's no advice I can give you...except this...

STOP WRITING SONGS

creepinson · 02-16-2006, 04:05 PM

thats a bit harsh... you just need to work on concept, rhyming, flow, emotion, vocabulary, mechanics, structure * takes a breath* and the use of literary devicies... besides that i think youre doing great

**sleepy jack** · 02-16-2006, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

STOP WRITING SONGS

Thats not being constructive at all, thats being a jerk, plus this song isn't much worse then some of the stuff your beloved madeinNY has posted and angel18 take creepinson's advice.

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 02-16-2006, 04:33 PM

I didn't know ma_cherie was writing under an alias now...

Mama Booze · 02-16-2006, 04:50 PM

I am beloved...aww

bigtim · 02-16-2006, 07:56 PM

interesting.

i would say "Broken to Pieces" er sumthin like that

**Urban Hatemonger** · 02-16-2006, 08:01 PM

When Stairlifts Attack

TrampInaTux · 02-17-2006, 03:47 AM

^haha

Crowquill what do you mean my beloved madeinNY? In case you haven't checked I've had many arguments with her and Crazy_Luv in this forum over the fact they are writing poor songs but both praise each other. And if you check I think I've only praised one of her songs out of the many she has created. I am being a jerk, yes, but to be honest I don't care. This girl is crap at writing songs, she is beyond all hope so why should she be lead along? She should be concentrating on working on other talents.

**sleepy jack** · 02-17-2006, 02:28 PM

Yeah so if I pull up some of my early writing its worse then this, and I sure as hell improved telling someone they're beyond all hope is just acting like an ass and its uneeded. If you really need to come into a forum and start thrashing someones songwriting in that manner then just don't. If you don't like the song, just post why don't turn around and say they need to stop writing because they're hopeless. All i've seen you do in here is act like an eltist jerk, and to be honest they're are much better songwriters in here that are nicer towards users like this. Quit picking on her just because you don't like her songs ignore the damn thread instead of being an eltist prick.

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02-15-2006, 03:17 PM
angel18 Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 135	Need a Title! hey people, I know I have posted songs in this forum before and got negative replies but here's another song. I haven't decided on a title yet. Please give an opinion on this song, even how it could be improved? Thanx My friend feels lost today Her granny just died yesterday Her heart is filled with emotion Her mind is filled with illusions She is hypnotised with grieve and loss She can picture her granny wearing lip gloss Her world is broken into pieces There is nothing left but her weakness It was all a sudden shock She has lost her precious rock Everyone around her is fighting While she sits in her room crying She doesn’t understand why Her granny had to die Her granny was so out going She was always outside doing something Now she is gone for good Her granny will be forever loved

02-16-2006, 04:05 PM
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 134	thats a bit harsh... you just need to work on concept, rhyming, flow, emotion, vocabulary, mechanics, structure * takes a breath* and the use of literary devicies... besides that i think youre doing great

02-16-2006, 04:33 PM
A_Perfect_Sonnet Dinosaurus Rex!!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 892	I didn't know ma_cherie was writing under an alias now...

02-16-2006, 04:50 PM
Mama Booze Here's lookin at you, kid Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The White Hotel Posts: 359	I am beloved...aww

02-16-2006, 07:56 PM
bigtim Groupie Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 23	interesting. i would say "Broken to Pieces" er sumthin like that

02-16-2006, 08:01 PM
Urban Hatemonger GET TO FALKIRK Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Nuuk , Greenland Posts: 9,561	When Stairlifts Attack __________________

02-17-2006, 03:47 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	^haha Crowquill what do you mean my beloved madeinNY? In case you haven't checked I've had many arguments with her and Crazy_Luv in this forum over the fact they are writing poor songs but both praise each other. And if you check I think I've only praised one of her songs out of the many she has created. I am being a jerk, yes, but to be honest I don't care. This girl is crap at writing songs, she is beyond all hope so why should she be lead along? She should be concentrating on working on other talents.

02-17-2006, 02:28 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,311	Yeah so if I pull up some of my early writing its worse then this, and I sure as hell improved telling someone they're beyond all hope is just acting like an ass and its uneeded. If you really need to come into a forum and start thrashing someones songwriting in that manner then just don't. If you don't like the song, just post why don't turn around and say they need to stop writing because they're hopeless. All i've seen you do in here is act like an eltist jerk, and to be honest they're are much better songwriters in here that are nicer towards users like this. Quit picking on her just because you don't like her songs ignore the damn thread instead of being an eltist prick. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.