sleepy jack

You're under my skin now
and as im reciting these
Words in the mask of a
Ciggarette smoke I cant
Help but feel a sense of
Loss, As I see rain falling
In the most blue sky ever
Yet I can't stop the words
From falling like pedals In
a dead garden, for I dont
Think i love you anymore,
And the feeling is blantly
Mutual, for leading someone
On like you did is hard and
What hurts the most is,
I do believe I loved you



I need help making it less cliche.

__________________
I'm not blind, I believe in you.

explosions-in-my-pants

i'm not too keen of that line..
i like this part.. but at the same time like your having the problem with making it less cliched i can't see how you can fix it because i'm not in your head and as much as i might think i know and understand just what your saying in the song.. i some how doubt i get it.. anyways the last two lines are very expected... as it suits the song well.. i don't know just what your going for here..

are you going for broken hearted.. in pain expressing the torment of your love lost sorrows? because thats how it comes off to me

sleepy jack

Uh no, its about breaking up with someone..and "As I see rain falling In the most blue sky ever" would be a metaphor for her crying, the rain being the tears blue sky being her eyes. So i don't think im going to be rid of that line.

__________________
I'm not blind, I believe in you.

explosions-in-my-pants

no well.. after you explaining the line it makes alot of sense with the song. still if its about breaking up, you really do explain it well without being to clear that it just seems like every other song.. its strong yet questionable.. but in a good way.

i like the way you went about writing it.