sooo...roughdraft (member, quote, song)

**sleepy jack** · 03-05-2006, 02:05 AM

and i've relied on you like
the sun relies on the west
and the ultraviolet stars
that sit in the sky as I
lay in your lap and cry,
just because of those words
"i really really think im in love with you
and infact im sure"
"im very very very sure too ethan"
and the golden smile that lit up
the night, as we lay entwined
Together, and I can't help
But remember how tactless
I was when I first talk to you
and through the months I
got better, and now you're
Like my diary and its been
a year and we're still together.

You can probaly guess what its for =P.
I want some help fixing it up and pointing out errors and such.

DontRunMeOver · 03-07-2006, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

and i've relied on you like
the sun relies on the west
and the ultraviolet stars
that sit in the sky as I
lay in your lap and cry,
just because of those words
"i really really think im in love with you
and infact im sure"
"im very very very sure too ethan"
and the golden smile that lit up
the night, as we lay entwined
Together, and I can't help
But remember how tactless
I was when I first talk to you
and through the months I
got better, and now you're
Like my diary and its been
a year and we're still together.

You can probaly guess what its for =P.
I want some help fixing it up and pointing out errors and such.

The way in which you've got the feeling of this across is good and the detail is also nice. There are a lot of problems with the finer details on this one though. Its a bit confusing to read as you've written it, as I'm not sure why you've got the line breaks where they are, do you not like it as much with the usual phrasing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

and i've relied on you like the sun relies on the west
and the ultraviolet stars that sit in the sky
as I lay in your lap and cry,
just because of those words
"i really really think im in love with you and infact im sure"
"im very very very sure too ethan"
and the golden smile that lit up the night,
as we lay entwined together,
and I can't help but remember how tactless I was when I first talk to you and through the months I got better,
and now you're like my diary
and its been a year and we're still together.

This lays the phrases out bare, so we can see all of them properly.

Unless you were intentionally trying to use 'and' a lot then that word really has no reason to be there - it would make more sense if you removed it from each phrase, or maybe if you replaced it with something which helps to explain the idea which follows it.

In terms of metaphors, a lot of those aren't ones I would choose to use, but that's more to do with personal choice and style so by all means keep going. I would say however, that 'golden smile that lit up the night' is, to me, a genuinely bad one, the reasons being:

1. Her smile probably wouldn't physically light up a darkened room (meaning, if you could see her teeth at all in the dark, they'd be a grey colour) so it sounds too much like you're making it up.
2. A 'golden smile' suggests that she has yellow teeth, which isn't much of a compliment.

As a last point, it might help - when writing a love song or poem - it can probably help to shift the focus away from yourself and push it further towards the other person. At the moment, the balance (in terms of who is the subject) is slightly more on the Ethan side than on the side of the girl. Its alright as it is, but the more you focus on the other person, the more complimentary to them and less self-obsessive you'll come across as.

**sleepy jack** · 03-07-2006, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

1. Her smile probably wouldn't physically light up a darkened room (meaning, if you could see her teeth at all in the dark, they'd be a grey colour) so it sounds too much like you're making it up.
2. A 'golden smile' suggests that she has yellow teeth, which isn't much of a compliment.

But...its about flavor flav

and i'll fix it up right. now.

i've relied on you like the sun relies on the west,
the ultraviolet stars that sit in the sky
as I lay in your lap and cry,
just because of those words
"i really really think im in love with you
and infact im sure"
"im very very very sure too ethan"
the night, as we lay entwined together,
I can't help but remember how tactless
I was when I first talk to you through the months I
got better,
you're like a diary now,
its been a year and we're still together.

I took you advice on alot of the stuff. This writings about a specific thing that happened between us and alot of it was more me focused because of recent issues..and it fits the situation well so it is slightly self obsessive but with reason.

DontRunMeOver · 03-07-2006, 05:10 PM

Also, I'd suggest clarifying HOW she's like a diary (meaning, add a line to explain). You could mean 'flat and leathery' for all she knows!

Yeah, you're right, there isn't anything wrong with focussing on yourself if that's what you want it to do.

**sleepy jack** · 03-07-2006, 05:10 PM

you're like a diary now for I can't keep a secret from you?

DontRunMeOver · 03-07-2006, 05:13 PM

Well, if that makes sense - if you can't keep a secret from her and can't keep a secret from your diary - then go ahead!

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03-05-2006, 02:05 AM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 18,069	sooo...roughdraft and i've relied on you like the sun relies on the west and the ultraviolet stars that sit in the sky as I lay in your lap and cry, just because of those words "i really really think im in love with you and infact im sure" "im very very very sure too ethan" and the golden smile that lit up the night, as we lay entwined Together, and I can't help But remember how tactless I was when I first talk to you and through the months I got better, and now you're Like my diary and its been a year and we're still together. You can probaly guess what its for =P. I want some help fixing it up and pointing out errors and such. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

03-07-2006, 05:10 PM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 18,069	you're like a diary now for I can't keep a secret from you? __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.