Jadix

So many nights I've spent there
High above the moon.
Dont ask me why I went I
Will never tell you.

It was the need for more I
Saw my mind was blind.
Who cares what way you search if
Peace is what you find?

I used to lay awake with
Tears filling my eyes.
Waiting for better days to
Come and change my life.

Then one day I realized there's
Nothing I can change.
If all I do is hide then
Everything's in vain.

Edit: last line used to be:
There's just fear and pain.

Mama Booze

I liked it all except the last two lines...try to come up with something less already-said

Good job. This your first song?

sleepy jack

It has a nice flow, it kind of lacks, but theres no imagery, or anything its just kind of bland.

On this describe the nights and how you felt, and how cold or hot it was and what the moon looks like the bottom two are fine.

The Next verse is fine.
Describe the days a bit more, dreary, gloomy etc..

I just think thats somewhat of a weak way of ending it. Maybe you could add another part to wrap it up thats a bit more poetic?

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

Jadix

I dunno, not really. I've written a lot of things, but never really put music to it.

I dont think the last two lines are repetitive at all though. Its the conclusion I've reached - that you cant just sit and cry and do nothing if you want **** to change.

Mama Booze

It's not repetitive, we've just heard it before.

Jadix

It has a nice flow, it kind of lacks, but theres no imagery, or anything its just kind of bland.

hmm ok. Ill work on that.

On this describe the nights and how you felt, and how cold or hot it was and what the moon looks like the bottom two are fine.
Well the moon was just something thats "high". And I related by being on drugs. However, it would probably be a good idea to describe it better, that would probably increase the effect. Good advice.

Describe the days a bit more, dreary, gloomy etc..
Well the days are going to be good ones, when they get here. I actually really like this verse, I dont know how I'd change it. maybe if I added another verse to describe it better.

I just think thats somewhat of a weak way of ending it. Maybe you could add another part to wrap it up thats a bit more poetic?

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe the last verse isn't communicating what I'm trying to say very well if both of you didnt like it. I think I'll add another something-something after this soon-to-be-edited-verse.

Jadix

Oh i see.

Merkaba

Strongest bit.
In the last line of the whole song, I don't think it works well enough. Unless this is not what you're going for, try:

If all I do is hide then
I'm living this life in vain/I'm just living this life in vain/Things will always be the same.

I like the overall concept of the song. It's good thinking.

__________________

Right you lot, shut it. Strewth Fowler my son, all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what. The govenor's talking, Saturday's game, very dodgy, very naughty, could go a little pear-shaped. If there's a rough things might be well iffy. These faces are a little bit hard, know what I mean, a little bit of oof, have some of that my son, bosh, sorted, ta ta, got me, so be clever. Good, now shut it!

Jadix

Ya I'm really not getting my idea across clearly. I wanted this to have a much more constructive and good feeling. Let me try to explain my thinking on the last verse so you guys can help make it clearer.

Then one day I realized there's
Nothing I can change

I meant theres nothing about the past you can change. The point I want to make is that you have to move on, and MAKE a change happen instead of just waiting for it. So back to the verse before it says

I used to lay awake with
Tears filling my eyes.
Waiting for better days to
Come and change my life.

Which talks about how I used to wait for life to change for me.
So then I say:

If all I do is hide then
There's just fear and pain.

So if I keep hiding, I will never escape the fear and the pain I was in. The first two verses explain what I did and why(in a vague way) to reach my peace.

The line
"It was the need for more I"

Has kind of a double meaning. First being that I wanted more out of life than what I knew(which answers the question of why I went high above the moon...). This is also made more clear when I said "my mind was blind". Meaning I was naive. And the second being that I needed more of the drug because I was addicted to it.

Jadix

How about:

If all I do is hide then
All I'll find is pain.

Sorry bout the double post.

I've decided on:
If all I do is hide then
Everythings in vain.