My greatest song ever. Please read! (lyrics, Atmosphere, Kiss, bling)

TrampInaTux · 04-11-2006, 04:39 AM

I met a girl about a month ago
I asked her if we could take things slow
because I just got out of a relationship
and said that I was just looking for a quick fix
she looked me in the eye with intensity
straightened out her hand and rubbed it up my knee
I started to sweat as her hand progressed
and then I just let loose when she got to my chest
I leant in slightly expecting she would to
but she got up, walked out and left me to stew
I reached for my phone out of my pocket
but found that it was gone, along with my wallet

Chorus
Why do I attract such girls?
You'd think there'd be a guddun in this whole dam world

So about a week later I head off to a bar
sit down with a pint and a crumbling cigar
then I meet this girl with a head of flames
she puts her hand on my shoulder and she asks me my name
I reply with the answer and she brushes my hand
repeats and repeats that she needs a real man
I look around but she's talking to me
Shot glasses in our hands, one two then a three
so we clumsily exit and call for a cab
kiss all the way back to her scummy little flat
and when we get there I have to rub my eyes
the room is filled with hairy naked guys

Chorus
Why do I attract such girls?
You'd think there'd be a guddun in this whole dam world

So this is my story and I hope you can relate
to a guy who finds it hard to get past the first date
So I'll sit at home with a pot noodle and a can
watching dukes of hazzard tonight my date is my hand

This story isn't about me. Please don't think it's about me! I just had great fun writing this and I thought you lot would have great fun reading it.

EDIT: I've just realised how needy the title of this thread sounds.

Levithan · 04-11-2006, 05:03 AM

LOL! Good work Hobo, very niice, would love to hear that with music lol

TrampInaTux · 04-11-2006, 05:12 AM

Thankyou very much. I can't play any instruments, so that is a shame, but I might look around and find some people who can to write some music for it. This is possibly the only song that I have ever enjoyed writing. If people can give me more feedback please that would be great.

blackTshirt · 04-11-2006, 05:19 AM

very pathetic and kinda cute in a way
not the writing skills, the story

DontRunMeOver · 04-11-2006, 05:22 AM

I like this one a lot too Hobo. Its great the way you've taken a general idea that people can relate to and then expanded on it with two slightly surprising stories. Ever critical, I've just got two lines to question.

Quote:

I order a tray of shots and knocks them down

The rest of the meter seems pretty strict, so this line seems out of place as it doesn't have a rhyming partner-line. I'm guessing 'knocks' is a typo and should be 'knock'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

the room is filled with a pile of naked guys

You can't really fill a room with 'a pile' of anything. Unless its a very short, narrow, tall room. It might be better as 'piles' instead of 'a pile' or just 'the room is filled with naked guys' (which might be best as it gets rid of some excess syllables.

Other than that... awwwwwwesommmmmme.

TrampInaTux · 04-11-2006, 05:26 AM

You're ever critical DRMO, and as always I'm ever listening. Changed it around, have a look for yourself. I think this is going to be my style of writing from now on. I'm gonna cut out all the in depth crap and stick to what I do best-plain and simple.

DontRunMeOver · 04-11-2006, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

I think this is going to be my style of writing from now on. I'm gonna cut out all the in depth crap and stick to what I do best-plain and simple.

Good thing too. Internet song-writing forums are clogged with artily-pretentious wannabe lyricists congratulating each other over intelligent metaphors, evocative atmospheres and other crap like that. Who needs it? Stories have been and always will be better than imagery!

Although some other people who posted here had complained about the lyrics posted on musicbanter, at least it doesn't suffer from the over-intellectualising, over-complicating and over-vagueifying bug that plagues most of the other lyric forum spaces.

So yeah, more stories! Less waffling!

love_meliki · 04-11-2006, 08:28 AM

...oh umm I really like it I wana hear the music how did u manage to talk bout a guy like him though...??

Crowe · 04-11-2006, 10:42 AM

When I read the song, I did so to the tune of Sublime's "Date Rape". Anyone else?

TrampInaTux · 04-11-2006, 10:45 AM

Never heard of that but I'm looking it up now. I have the tune for it planned out in my head. It sounds kinda country.

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04-11-2006, 04:39 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	My greatest song ever. Please read! I met a girl about a month ago I asked her if we could take things slow because I just got out of a relationship and said that I was just looking for a quick fix she looked me in the eye with intensity straightened out her hand and rubbed it up my knee I started to sweat as her hand progressed and then I just let loose when she got to my chest I leant in slightly expecting she would to but she got up, walked out and left me to stew I reached for my phone out of my pocket but found that it was gone, along with my wallet Chorus Why do I attract such girls? You'd think there'd be a guddun in this whole dam world So about a week later I head off to a bar sit down with a pint and a crumbling cigar then I meet this girl with a head of flames she puts her hand on my shoulder and she asks me my name I reply with the answer and she brushes my hand repeats and repeats that she needs a real man I look around but she's talking to me Shot glasses in our hands, one two then a three so we clumsily exit and call for a cab kiss all the way back to her scummy little flat and when we get there I have to rub my eyes the room is filled with hairy naked guys Chorus Why do I attract such girls? You'd think there'd be a guddun in this whole dam world So this is my story and I hope you can relate to a guy who finds it hard to get past the first date So I'll sit at home with a pot noodle and a can watching dukes of hazzard tonight my date is my hand This story isn't about me. Please don't think it's about me! I just had great fun writing this and I thought you lot would have great fun reading it. EDIT: I've just realised how needy the title of this thread sounds.

04-11-2006, 05:12 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	Thankyou very much. I can't play any instruments, so that is a shame, but I might look around and find some people who can to write some music for it. This is possibly the only song that I have ever enjoyed writing. If people can give me more feedback please that would be great.

04-11-2006, 05:19 AM
blackTshirt The Randomness Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: romania.. shut up Posts: 897	very pathetic and kinda cute in a way not the writing skills, the story __________________ My rims never spin, to the contrary You'll find that they're quite stationary.

04-11-2006, 05:26 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	You're ever critical DRMO, and as always I'm ever listening. Changed it around, have a look for yourself. I think this is going to be my style of writing from now on. I'm gonna cut out all the in depth crap and stick to what I do best-plain and simple.

04-11-2006, 08:28 AM
love_meliki Groupie Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Laredo Posts: 3	wow ...oh umm I really like it I wana hear the music how did u manage to talk bout a guy like him though...?? Attached Thumbnails __________________ Esther "rainbow lover"

04-11-2006, 10:42 AM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 726	When I read the song, I did so to the tune of Sublime's "Date Rape". Anyone else? __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

04-11-2006, 10:45 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	Never heard of that but I'm looking it up now. I have the tune for it planned out in my head. It sounds kinda country.