bored (quote, memory, song, Ching, hands)

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog · 04-28-2006, 09:56 PM

I havn't submitted in forever and I figured why not. I wrote this in about 10 mins, so it sucks I know, but if it has any potential, drop me some comments.

All the Kings Men

Subtle words trace as razors and
Snake through my thirsty ears.
I drink the sentiment of forked tounges
And feel it crawl my spine.

The blood on your lips is the
Color of your hair. I can taste the
Memory of Marlboros on your breath
And the lingering disgust of late night
Blind Passion.

My hands knew the curves of your
Hips. I know the path of your mind.
I’ve felt this kingdom for all its cracks, I’ve breeched
Your stoic walls.
All the kings men wait on the horizon, the white flags gone
Red under the pale moons sky.

**sleepy jack** · 04-29-2006, 12:18 AM

Thats really good for somethin' you wrote in 10 mins. I agree with the it having potential thing, with more work I think it would be really good.

TrampInaTux · 04-30-2006, 03:07 AM

My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind.

That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

DontRunMeOver · 05-03-2006, 05:43 AM

I like it too, it might work better without the first verse, maybe with a completely different first verse which sets the scene better for the other two sections (as well as sounding a bit cheesy, the first verse seemed pretty unrelated to the other two). As you've said yourself, we want to know things like where, when, who and to hear enough detail to believe that what we're reading or hearing is actually real, so that we can really get into it. The second and third verses do that nicely, the first one doesn't as it creates the question "whose 'subtle words' and whose 'forked tongues'?" which you don't answer and because we don't really have a scene the readers aren't really in a position to guess.

ArmyofMe · 05-03-2006, 05:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind.

That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy...good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

agree with him completely, but i think the rest of it was just ok...

Crazy Luv · 05-03-2006, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

Agree with this mec up here

Crowe · 05-03-2006, 11:42 AM

It always strikes me as weird why someone discounts their own work when they post it to be critiqued - and again why you write something in 10 minutes and tell us about it. But most of the time - they are usually correct and we can tell that it was written in 10 minutes and that it "sucks". That really isn't the case here - it is a nice launching pad for something that it could become - it's like a coloring book - you have the picture - now just fill it in. Bit cheesy like someone said - but love is cheesy - so, there you are.

The allusion to a deeper meaning is obvious... maybe too obvious? Sort of contrived almost like... "Yes, I'm trying to get this vague message out - my theme - but I'm going to do it in a round about way." Just walking that line... be careful, I used to do that and thats when I changed my style to the storyteller that I am today...

color in the picture big guy, then you'll have something! Good start though~

TrampInaTux · 05-03-2006, 11:54 AM

People discredit because they want to be modest, and say they only wrote it in a short space of time because they want to show off or want to explain why their work isn't that good. I know this because I do it all the time.

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog · 05-03-2006, 05:03 PM

Well honestly, I throw up scraps on the internet, I didn't mean to discredit myself but im just saying, this is not an accurate measure of my writing.

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04-28-2006, 09:56 PM
TheBig3KilledMyRainDog Maybe I can keep this one Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bostonia Posts: 3,848	bored I havn't submitted in forever and I figured why not. I wrote this in about 10 mins, so it sucks I know, but if it has any potential, drop me some comments. All the Kings Men Subtle words trace as razors and Snake through my thirsty ears. I drink the sentiment of forked tounges And feel it crawl my spine. The blood on your lips is the Color of your hair. I can taste the Memory of Marlboros on your breath And the lingering disgust of late night Blind Passion. My hands knew the curves of your Hips. I know the path of your mind. I’ve felt this kingdom for all its cracks, I’ve breeched Your stoic walls. All the kings men wait on the horizon, the white flags gone Red under the pale moons sky. __________________ “The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine” “No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

04-29-2006, 12:18 AM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,373	Thats really good for somethin' you wrote in 10 mins. I agree with the it having potential thing, with more work I think it would be really good. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

04-30-2006, 03:07 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind. That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

05-03-2006, 11:42 AM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 715	It always strikes me as weird why someone discounts their own work when they post it to be critiqued - and again why you write something in 10 minutes and tell us about it. But most of the time - they are usually correct and we can tell that it was written in 10 minutes and that it "sucks". That really isn't the case here - it is a nice launching pad for something that it could become - it's like a coloring book - you have the picture - now just fill it in. Bit cheesy like someone said - but love is cheesy - so, there you are. The allusion to a deeper meaning is obvious... maybe too obvious? Sort of contrived almost like... "Yes, I'm trying to get this vague message out - my theme - but I'm going to do it in a round about way." Just walking that line... be careful, I used to do that and thats when I changed my style to the storyteller that I am today... color in the picture big guy, then you'll have something! Good start though~ __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

05-03-2006, 11:54 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	People discredit because they want to be modest, and say they only wrote it in a short space of time because they want to show off or want to explain why their work isn't that good. I know this because I do it all the time.

05-03-2006, 05:03 PM
TheBig3KilledMyRainDog Maybe I can keep this one Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bostonia Posts: 3,848	Well honestly, I throw up scraps on the internet, I didn't mean to discredit myself but im just saying, this is not an accurate measure of my writing. __________________ “The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine” “No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson