Destiny Gets Nervous (blues, genre, review, quote)

**sleepy jack** · 05-07-2006, 09:47 PM

k, this is the first time i'm writing without trying to put into a specific genre? & stuff, basically im taking hobos advice so...this is new if it sucks..you know why its kind of awkard to write.

I write your name unto a tree
I carve a heart around an a&e
To be immortalized in this wood
So please walk with me amongst
The grass and sip on the rain
Pick some berries and lets feast
In our ambience tonight

Lets sit down together in this wood hollow
Kick off our shoes & be rid of our blues
Cause tonight its just me and you
Curl up with me in this bed of nature
Will fight off the cold cuddled up together

Pull my heart strings with a brush of your lips
Lock my gaze with your ocean eyes & tender radiance
I’ll meet you inbetween our lives
Lets let go of ourselves and lay entwined
As our minds soar the skies

As the dawn lights creeps unto us
I open my eyes look at the bluest of skies
Then turn over and look into the bluest of eyes
I set my lips to your forehead and hold it there
I swear to god, if you weren’t with me now
You would still feel closer then my skin

If anyone has another word I could use aside from cuddle, i'd really appreciate it...& thoughts please?

mosesandtherubberducky · 05-08-2006, 07:10 PM

Will fight off the cold cuddled up together

that line could use some work to flow better

for some reason this reminded me of elves (stfu i know it's random)

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog · 05-08-2006, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

I write your name unto a tree
I carve a heart around an a&e
To be immortalized in this wood
So please walk with me amongst
The grass and sip on the rain
Pick some berries and lets feast
In our ambience tonight

[Unto seems ok if your singing it, if its a poem, loose it. Same with Feast]

Lets sit down together in this wood hollow
Kick off our shoes & be rid of our blues
Cause tonight its just me and you
Curl up with me in this bed of nature
Will fight off the cold cuddled up together

[This one isn't bad, its not a stanza with hurricane knockout lines, but its solid]

Pull my heart strings with a brush of your lips
Lock my gaze with your ocean eyes & tender radiance
I’ll meet you inbetween our lives
Lets let go of ourselves and lay entwined
As our minds soar the skies

[This stanza is pretty good, cept that oceans are forever being compared to eyes, its a cliche for a reason but its still a cliche]

As the dawn lights creeps unto us
I open my eyes look at the bluest of skies
Then turn over and look into the bluest of eyes
I set my lips to your forehead and hold it there
I swear to god, if you weren’t with me now
You would still feel closer then my skin

[I like this ending, I think it works. the bluest eyes to bluest skies derails your flow here, its too cutesy. if I may suggest something, bluest eyes are a reality, but bluest skies is waaay overused. replace that and stay fashionable.

If anyone has another word I could use aside from cuddle, i'd really appreciate it...& thoughts please?

If you want it to rhyme, go with huddled, that implies a more cowering from (usually nature) some form of attack. Also, huddled is more...tangible in a manner of speaking. People huddle out of need, cuddeling is seomthing people do post coital.

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog · 05-08-2006, 10:07 PM

Ducky, quit doing crank before you review things.

TrampInaTux · 05-09-2006, 01:47 PM

I don't see a major difference from your other work I have to say, although this is definitely more heartfelt. I like the first verse a lot, and there are a few lines in there that really caught my eye. It's not brilliant but it's a good first attempt. Keep practising and posting these up and I will make sure I review every one, seeing as I am the person that put you in this position after all...

mosesandtherubberducky · 05-09-2006, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Ducky, quit doing crank before you review things.

Hey, I gave my opinion on it. That's what he wanted was an opinion not an indepth monolouge about what poetic devices he used and what the deeper meaning is. :P and I got off the crack after I started getting cronic noes bleeds...damn stuff just cuts up your nostrils

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog · 05-09-2006, 06:11 PM

I said crank, not crack, huge diffrence.

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05-07-2006, 09:47 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,550	Destiny Gets Nervous k, this is the first time i'm writing without trying to put into a specific genre? & stuff, basically im taking hobos advice so...this is new if it sucks..you know why its kind of awkard to write. I write your name unto a tree I carve a heart around an a&e To be immortalized in this wood So please walk with me amongst The grass and sip on the rain Pick some berries and lets feast In our ambience tonight Lets sit down together in this wood hollow Kick off our shoes & be rid of our blues Cause tonight its just me and you Curl up with me in this bed of nature Will fight off the cold cuddled up together Pull my heart strings with a brush of your lips Lock my gaze with your ocean eyes & tender radiance I’ll meet you inbetween our lives Lets let go of ourselves and lay entwined As our minds soar the skies As the dawn lights creeps unto us I open my eyes look at the bluest of skies Then turn over and look into the bluest of eyes I set my lips to your forehead and hold it there I swear to god, if you weren’t with me now You would still feel closer then my skin If anyone has another word I could use aside from cuddle, i'd really appreciate it...& thoughts please? __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-08-2006, 07:10 PM
mosesandtherubberducky butt say x Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: so i read the question as "Where YOU live" which was kinda funny instead of "Where you live" Posts: 1,659	Will fight off the cold cuddled up together that line could use some work to flow better for some reason this reminded me of elves (stfu i know it's random) __________________ Can I have a youtube video for a sig? There's a thing that says "Wrap [youtube] tags around selected text"

05-08-2006, 10:07 PM
TheBig3KilledMyRainDog Maybe I can keep this one Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bostonia Posts: 3,880	Ducky, quit doing crank before you review things. __________________ “The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine” “No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

05-09-2006, 01:47 PM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	I don't see a major difference from your other work I have to say, although this is definitely more heartfelt. I like the first verse a lot, and there are a few lines in there that really caught my eye. It's not brilliant but it's a good first attempt. Keep practising and posting these up and I will make sure I review every one, seeing as I am the person that put you in this position after all...

05-09-2006, 06:11 PM
TheBig3KilledMyRainDog Maybe I can keep this one Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bostonia Posts: 3,880	I said crank, not crack, huge diffrence. __________________ “The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine” “No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson