ArmyofMe

You wake me up at ball and chain, lets have our breakfast dear..
Before you touch that chain again you'll have something to hear,
That if only you would, maybe, let light in your eyes,
You could see that this life is passin' you by.

You tug my chain again and want to help you out,
I want to keep you next to me, coming through the years.
But, you still stay in your box and play the dolls a game,
While I go out and make a fuss, I put your life to shame.

I open up my box for you,
invite your game inside,
But never will you come on for the ride.

We want the same thing from this life, but you just dont know how.
I try to teach, but that chain stays to close to your side,
Pull me back to your frustration and your troubled mind.
Tell you to put up and let go the anger that you hide.

Never speaking, I may wonder what you think of me,
But that tugging, when it comes from you it will not let me be.

Hoping sometimes that you'll come and see my world anew,
I rip this chain from my back never and hope you follow through,
For weeks no anwser from my master, but then its safe to see.
The one that tied me to her mast will now follow me.
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One of my first ever songs, so please leave comments on it!
Sry in advance for typ-o's my keyboards batteries are running low

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bah..

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

I tried reading it, but rhymes are killing me, and worst of all couplets. ::shudder::

Rhyming ruins writing because people are just trying to make the rhyme stick, they don't worry about the line being well written or not.

Rhyming to me is like directing porn, "Who cares if the dialouge is bad, we have naked people ****ing!"

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Lets take this for example.

If it didn't rhyme, lets say like this:

That if only you would, maybe, let light in your mind,
You could see that this life is passin' you by

Now does the rest of the line hold up as well now that the rhyme is gone?

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

ArmyofMe

Thanks I think I got what your saying, whats so bad about couplets?

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bah..

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

Theres been about 2 people in history who wrote them well.

You create a horrid pattern with them that leaves no breathing room.

time
climb
ship
trip
ski
knee

People need some movement, it becomes so locked up and heavily interwoven that you'd need to nail everything perfectly to have a decent story unravel.

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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

Crowe

Yep.

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My silly experimental band:

www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

bungalowbill357

I don't like this at all. The rhyming is so forced.

creepinson

it seems like not only alot of the rhymes are forced, but the syllable count as well

lines like

"Never speaking, I may wonder what you think of me,
But that tugging, when it comes from you it will not let me be."

show this. I mean come on! when it comes from you? im sure you can find something to put in there that isnt just filler

Crowe

Where in the hell have you been creep?

__________________

My silly experimental band:

www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic