Art (lyrics, alternative, memory, artist, band)

**sleepy jack** · 05-15-2006, 09:31 PM

Paint this night, dark blue skies brushed with bright lights
Alien starlight to close minded eyes
A decision to make another stroke of water colors
One too many choices, to finish an imperfect portrait created by hand
My hand, ruined by me

I've an eye for beauty, yet there’s an absence in detail
Which could reveal something so precious,
Yet to the human eye, something so indiscernible

I craft these visions, form these verse
Yet stray from the art, salve to derogation
Its hard to write a masterpiece, still working on inspiration
Wile writing, while painting chorus of certain names
I'd rather not speak know when this canvas burns away
Reminder in the form of ashes, of what remains

If this was only as easy as stealing Mona Lisa's smile
Ears will not listen sense would not fail though
They reveal to me in memory chanting
"looks should be left in boxes, under the bed out of the world
away from strangers on streets, not on the walls of galleries
carved by eyes, reflecting a false smile and a gaze that
says everything but the true meaning"

Don't read into these too deep, it as cleave to as "love me"
You didn't read my reply, will; I’m sorry suffice?

Inspiration taken in, in a couple of seconds
Sketching imaginary smiles won't come at a cost
Like a masterpiece that sells for a nickel
When depreciation prevails, the passion is lost
The artist still forever around to witness
The gaze that says everything; is as empty as hearts
And that is where lies my inspiration in paper painted.

Crowe · 05-16-2006, 12:54 AM

I like your new stuff Crow. As it is written it works well, I don't know about the music though - the music will have to make this into a song... as it stands it's very liberal, free form poetry- which in itself is not so ridiculous.

A couple of problems I have with the writing fall on the more technical aspects. Your punctuation is distracting (not that it would matter in a song that is being heard and not read) but if you are going to put it in, make sure you know what goes where... just look up what a semi-colon is used for and common places to put periods.

After rereading it - I also notice that you are using alternative synonyms for descriptive purposes that are just... simply not needed. It's like you are going through the motions to prove that you are an intelligent writer. I can tell you wrote this song and sat there with thesaurus.com opened and look for different ways to express yourself - and that's great if you're writing an essay or something... but as a writer, you pick words that facilitate flow and sound beautiful. Examples...

depreciation- the word fits and the literal meaning in the context is correct. But say it in your song... it's a clumsy word - 5 syllables coming very quickly at different areas of the mouth - and is surrounded by the rest of the line. Use something shorter, with the same meaning... blemish, maybe?

indiscernible - The same thing as above. The word is clumsy, thick, and awkward. Other good words that still insist on intelligence (if you feel like you need to have that known) are like... latent, invisible, unseen, veiled... easy words that flow and share the same meaning.

derogation is another...

Don't try to write a song that is a literary masterpiece by throwing big words into it - literature is a place where greats are made by subtlety and wit - not by the bombastic SAT barons in which we suppose are the intellectual giants. You alienate an audience with this kind of thing... stay smart, stay smooth...

keep writing.

**sleepy jack** · 05-16-2006, 04:46 PM

I didn't try and use depreciation, indiscernible to sound intelligent or anything. But I can see what you're saying with them being clumsy, i'll think up something to replace 'em.

Crowe · 05-16-2006, 05:03 PM

I wasn't saying you were - but in general, a lot of people fall into that common belief that if they have bigger words that their writing automatically gains literary street-cred. This is simply not the case MOST of the time. It'd be interesting to see this song to music - it's very wordy and would take something pretty particular to make this work... I don't know what that thing is though!

dojo · 05-17-2006, 12:41 PM

Very nice lyrics. Since i judge a good song, starting from interesting and nice lyrics, this one should be quite good. The lyrics can also function as a poem, but with the music on them the result is gonna be nice

TrampInaTux · 05-17-2006, 01:52 PM

Good good, all good. Well done for changing your style and hopefully this will reflect on your band aswell. Anyways, it seems to be paying off at the moment... no need to thank me!

**sleepy jack** · 05-17-2006, 04:25 PM

w007, I think i've found my voiceeeeee in writing.

AND THANKS BUNCH HOBOJESUS, i'd still be generic and lame-o if it wasn't for you.

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 05-17-2006, 09:04 PM

^lolzz..

Anyhow...I like this one a lot. I want to know something: Where do you come up with the ideas for these songs? Do they just kinda flow? It seems you have quite a knack for songwriting...and frankly.....I'm jealous...

**sleepy jack** · 05-17-2006, 09:53 PM

They just kind of come to me when i'm doing stuff, this one came to me in cooking class...=/

TrampInaTux · 05-18-2006, 12:26 AM

This is just a general question about songwriting to you Crowquill... do you do as I do, and sing random words and verses everywhere? I do this a lot, without realising sometimes. I just wondered whether it was a natural songwriter thing, or whether it was because I practically breathe music.

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05-15-2006, 09:31 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	Art Paint this night, dark blue skies brushed with bright lights Alien starlight to close minded eyes A decision to make another stroke of water colors One too many choices, to finish an imperfect portrait created by hand My hand, ruined by me I've an eye for beauty, yet there’s an absence in detail Which could reveal something so precious, Yet to the human eye, something so indiscernible I craft these visions, form these verse Yet stray from the art, salve to derogation Its hard to write a masterpiece, still working on inspiration Wile writing, while painting chorus of certain names I'd rather not speak know when this canvas burns away Reminder in the form of ashes, of what remains If this was only as easy as stealing Mona Lisa's smile Ears will not listen sense would not fail though They reveal to me in memory chanting "looks should be left in boxes, under the bed out of the world away from strangers on streets, not on the walls of galleries carved by eyes, reflecting a false smile and a gaze that says everything but the true meaning" Don't read into these too deep, it as cleave to as "love me" You didn't read my reply, will; I’m sorry suffice? Inspiration taken in, in a couple of seconds Sketching imaginary smiles won't come at a cost Like a masterpiece that sells for a nickel When depreciation prevails, the passion is lost The artist still forever around to witness The gaze that says everything; is as empty as hearts And that is where lies my inspiration in paper painted. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-16-2006, 12:54 AM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 726	I like your new stuff Crow. As it is written it works well, I don't know about the music though - the music will have to make this into a song... as it stands it's very liberal, free form poetry- which in itself is not so ridiculous. A couple of problems I have with the writing fall on the more technical aspects. Your punctuation is distracting (not that it would matter in a song that is being heard and not read) but if you are going to put it in, make sure you know what goes where... just look up what a semi-colon is used for and common places to put periods. After rereading it - I also notice that you are using alternative synonyms for descriptive purposes that are just... simply not needed. It's like you are going through the motions to prove that you are an intelligent writer. I can tell you wrote this song and sat there with thesaurus.com opened and look for different ways to express yourself - and that's great if you're writing an essay or something... but as a writer, you pick words that facilitate flow and sound beautiful. Examples... depreciation- the word fits and the literal meaning in the context is correct. But say it in your song... it's a clumsy word - 5 syllables coming very quickly at different areas of the mouth - and is surrounded by the rest of the line. Use something shorter, with the same meaning... blemish, maybe? indiscernible - The same thing as above. The word is clumsy, thick, and awkward. Other good words that still insist on intelligence (if you feel like you need to have that known) are like... latent, invisible, unseen, veiled... easy words that flow and share the same meaning. derogation is another... Don't try to write a song that is a literary masterpiece by throwing big words into it - literature is a place where greats are made by subtlety and wit - not by the bombastic SAT barons in which we suppose are the intellectual giants. You alienate an audience with this kind of thing... stay smart, stay smooth... keep writing. __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

05-16-2006, 04:46 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	I didn't try and use depreciation, indiscernible to sound intelligent or anything. But I can see what you're saying with them being clumsy, i'll think up something to replace 'em. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-16-2006, 05:03 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 726	I wasn't saying you were - but in general, a lot of people fall into that common belief that if they have bigger words that their writing automatically gains literary street-cred. This is simply not the case MOST of the time. It'd be interesting to see this song to music - it's very wordy and would take something pretty particular to make this work... I don't know what that thing is though! __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

05-17-2006, 12:41 PM
dojo Music Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 106	Very nice lyrics. Since i judge a good song, starting from interesting and nice lyrics, this one should be quite good. The lyrics can also function as a poem, but with the music on them the result is gonna be nice

05-17-2006, 01:52 PM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	Good good, all good. Well done for changing your style and hopefully this will reflect on your band aswell. Anyways, it seems to be paying off at the moment... no need to thank me!

05-17-2006, 04:25 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	w007, I think i've found my voiceeeeee in writing. AND THANKS BUNCH HOBOJESUS, i'd still be generic and lame-o if it wasn't for you. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-17-2006, 09:53 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	They just kind of come to me when i'm doing stuff, this one came to me in cooking class...=/ __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-18-2006, 12:26 AM
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,451	This is just a general question about songwriting to you Crowquill... do you do as I do, and sing random words and verses everywhere? I do this a lot, without realising sometimes. I just wondered whether it was a natural songwriter thing, or whether it was because I practically breathe music.