Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies

Hurricane
Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair
Lil sister sprawled out, sleeping, leaving no room to share
Me, laughing about if we would see a dog fly by the window
Heard the tapping against the window constantly
We saw outside from the news on TV
Saw the water coming down the walls
But we were ignorant to what we were in store for
Lil sister woke-up from all the noise we were creating
While me and my older sister were checking the halls
Gasping as we saw all of them leaking
Then suddenly water sprung down from the ceiling
Less than 1-2-3, to me
The whole ceiling came crashing down
Pulled my lil sister away
But my mom was too late

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Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

tdoc210

i dont..ermm gwt it..flooding...?

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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.

Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies

no, Hurricane, oo, that could be the title, i don't know

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Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

tdoc210

^mm already a bob dylan song

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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.

MURDER JUNKIE

George Bush likes hurricane's

I found this picture of him giving the Katrina victims relief:

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I've been had
at least that's how it looks
and it's not funny like on TV
and it's not smart like it is in books

Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies

^

I know Bob Dylan has a song called Hurricane, but hes talking about a person, Im talking about an actual hurricane, does that even matter?

__________________


Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

DontRunMeOver

No, call it Hurricane if you want.

You probably need to put more detail in the introduction and create more of an ending. The middle part is fine. The introduction doesn't create a clear enough idea of what is happening and the phrase "Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair", might help to create the atmosphere of calm before the storm, but using the word something is a bad choice. Be more specific about what she's doing, as being vague at this point constitutes bad storytelling.

The ending doesn't tie very much up. So your mum's died, then what happened? The storm magically disappeared? It'd be better if you could describe the scene a bit more by saying what the surroundings looked like during this last image of you holding her while she dies. Imaging you're the movie director who's directing the camera crew and actors as to how this death scene should look, maybe? Then how would you describe it, so that people could picture that image?

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To listen to my music click this link - WWW.MYSPACE.COM/JODILEEPARKER

Real_Eyez_C_Real_Lies

This is only part one of it. Im changing the end of this one though. I will take your advice though, thank you very much.

__________________


Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

Guitar_man2140

well, theres a song called Hurricane by Something Corporate already.

DontRunMeOver

Bob Dylan should sue them.

__________________
To listen to my music click this link - WWW.MYSPACE.COM/JODILEEPARKER