I Need To Quit Writing Love Songs.. =/ (Kiss, titles)

**sleepy jack** · 07-22-2006, 10:47 AM

Oops, & I should probaly get around to studyin' poetry at some point..

Quote:

Originally Posted by adidasss

oh ok...i just thought that you arranged it strangly...cos every time you asked for an opinion via msn, you poems tended to rhyme...

=/ My rhyming is always not that intended..*shrugs*

beat_monkey · 07-23-2006, 11:12 AM

tht was an amzing song. i cant tell you that enough. while reading it a little play was going on in my head. in my head i seen this girl doing everything you described. but i only seen in 3rd person as if i was the guy. this is the best song ive ever read and i have picky tates( by around 40 years). kudos to you for this excellent song. when i learn how to reffer people your first on my list.

woahairplane · 07-23-2006, 11:21 PM

nice lyrics. paints a visual picture. and i really like how you ended it with "blue always was my favorite color"

fantastic, friend :]

Crowe · 07-24-2006, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

& I need to come up with titles easier...

Celestial fires against a black sky,
Can't we just sit down tonight and 1.) pretend we'll never die?
Now theres an old oak bench by the lakeside,
2.)'Neath the pines and we'll sit beneath it and rest,
I'll recite poems about you and you can tell me
You think i'm better then conor and i'll laugh
And tell you its not true, 3.)and we can fight in the grass,
Arguing over who loves who more, and when we stop,
4.)You on top of I, i'll kiss you and never forget,
I gave you my heart down by the lakeside.

5.)Now its getting a bit late this summer chill has gotten to me,
So lets walk into the dark and i'll your hold hand,
Then tell you I love you, and you can tell me the same,
The trees look scary like the monster you never see,
But i'll pretend to be brave 'cause I wanna impress you,
It starts to rain, yet only gently you kiss my cheek,
Give me a quick smile and say 'race you to the gate'
I'll never tell you so, but I lagged behind to let you win,
I took the6.) loving harassment like a mountain takes the sun,
I'll love you and smile as you tell me you won,
As we enter the cabin, and light up a fire,
Ill stand back and smile did I ever tell you,
How pretty you look drying off by the fireside?
Yeah i'll never forget, I gave you a kiss by the fireside,
7.)And looking into your eyes, I smiled
Blue always was my favorite color.

Also, sorry I havn't been posting in here much lately...I really have no excuse, just sorry.

1.) Oh hey. This is a emotional device visited constantly and is an attempt to directly pull on heartstrings for the sake of emotion. There is no revisitation of a death theme. I believe it works here, but it is very, very close to bordering on corny.

2.) You said beneath twice here, it's redundant.

3.) Another common image. Replace grass with... hill, field, something else nature, eh?

4.) This sounds weird, and is probably killing our language lol. You on top of I? Mm...

5.) Beautiful section.

6.) Ahhh- I see what you are going for- another image, another something that connects with the listener/reader - but I feel like you are trying too hard to do this.

7.) Seemed random and out of place - I don't know why and cannot give you a logical reason to how this thought came to me... seems like another pull for a listener's emotions. I know you would think, eyes + specific color = immediate love for the blue eyed girls out there.

Overall: Hey, I was nitpicky because I think that people easily fall into stereotypical emotional motives. Eyes. Landscape. Popular places for playful wrestling (lol). And most of all, the allusion to immortality. I think that you should appeal to the deeper emotions and not just stereotypical images. I know you can do it!

**sleepy jack** · 07-24-2006, 12:57 AM

1. I seee, I dont think im gonna change it though.

2. About the beneath..I should fix that, sitting under a bench wouldn't be comfy.

3. I'll say shore, were by a lake afterall.

4. Well, like you know when you're rolling around in the grass with someone? Then it just stops, with one on the other? Thats what im getting at.

5. Thank you =)

6. I try to keep to the whole nature theme...Ill think overnight on something to replace that, it does come across as trying too hard.

7. Her eyes really are blue, they're like. I tried to describe them, but you'd have to see them they're amazingg.

Ill work on this a bit more and fix it up, I really appreciated your critiqueing on this Crowe. Thank you.

beat_monkey · 07-24-2006, 04:02 AM

so this song is based on your girlfriend?

**sleepy jack** · 07-24-2006, 04:09 AM

Ah shes not my girlfriend.

beat_monkey · 07-24-2006, 04:11 AM

oh right... well perhaps yopu should show her your song see what she thinks you know.if you get a positive reaction tell her its about her.i was gonna say i know how it feels to have a great girlfriend.

**sleepy jack** · 07-24-2006, 04:14 AM

Aha, shes seen it and loved it. We like eachother alot, I just don't think she'd say yes for complicated reasons. So i'd rather not ruin a good thing...=/

beat_monkey · 07-24-2006, 04:16 AM

oh well ill leave it up to you. how the hell did you get your display picture to work???

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07-23-2006, 11:12 AM
beat_monkey Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: scotland Posts: 39	tht was an amzing song. i cant tell you that enough. while reading it a little play was going on in my head. in my head i seen this girl doing everything you described. but i only seen in 3rd person as if i was the guy. this is the best song ive ever read and i have picky tates( by around 40 years). kudos to you for this excellent song. when i learn how to reffer people your first on my list. __________________ those of you in the cheap seats clap to this one, the rest of you just rattle your jewellery. - John Lennon

07-23-2006, 11:21 PM
woahairplane probably basic Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: not with you. Posts: 79	nice lyrics. paints a visual picture. and i really like how you ended it with "blue always was my favorite color" fantastic, friend :] __________________ 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown

07-24-2006, 12:57 AM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	1. I seee, I dont think im gonna change it though. 2. About the beneath..I should fix that, sitting under a bench wouldn't be comfy. 3. I'll say shore, were by a lake afterall. 4. Well, like you know when you're rolling around in the grass with someone? Then it just stops, with one on the other? Thats what im getting at. 5. Thank you =) 6. I try to keep to the whole nature theme...Ill think overnight on something to replace that, it does come across as trying too hard. 7. Her eyes really are blue, they're like. I tried to describe them, but you'd have to see them they're amazingg. Ill work on this a bit more and fix it up, I really appreciated your critiqueing on this Crowe. Thank you. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-24-2006, 04:02 AM
beat_monkey Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: scotland Posts: 39	so this song is based on your girlfriend? __________________ those of you in the cheap seats clap to this one, the rest of you just rattle your jewellery. - John Lennon

07-24-2006, 04:09 AM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	Ah shes not my girlfriend. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-24-2006, 04:11 AM
beat_monkey Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: scotland Posts: 39	oh right... well perhaps yopu should show her your song see what she thinks you know.if you get a positive reaction tell her its about her.i was gonna say i know how it feels to have a great girlfriend. __________________ those of you in the cheap seats clap to this one, the rest of you just rattle your jewellery. - John Lennon

07-24-2006, 04:14 AM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	Aha, shes seen it and loved it. We like eachother alot, I just don't think she'd say yes for complicated reasons. So i'd rather not ruin a good thing...=/ __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-24-2006, 04:16 AM
beat_monkey Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: scotland Posts: 39	oh well ill leave it up to you. how the hell did you get your display picture to work??? __________________ those of you in the cheap seats clap to this one, the rest of you just rattle your jewellery. - John Lennon