Fixed up older piece.. (Incubus, member, title, quote, memories)

**sleepy jack** · 07-23-2006, 11:22 PM

& I still can't come up with a title...I need to work on these kind of things.

With the clouds closing in, and the rain falling
I reflect on us, all my memories came across
As kaleidoscopic when thinking of you, its difficult
Sorting dreams from reality, i've fallen into a fake
Life with you, for your answers always were
So open-ended,

& the ashes of love letters still lay untouched
By a knife, the day you broke it all off, I still
Remember the flames licking your photograph
As the green fire dropped to finish off the letters,
I wish I could re-write some of these things,
"My only one", to retrace the words, and fake
A signature, that way it would just be me lying
Instead of only you,

While sitting outside, my ciggarette's burning down
The ashes fall and hit the floor, as the clock
Hits the same digit four times, a star falls,
I wish you would come back with the sun,
But no, and every sunrise I try then on
I try and wake, but no
I am fallen.

woahairplane · 07-23-2006, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Sorting dreams from reality, i've fallen into a fake
Life with you, for your answers always were
So open-ended,

marvelous.

Raine · 07-23-2006, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

With the clouds closing in, and the rain falling
I reflect on us, all my memories come acrossed
As kaliedoscopic when thought of you, its difficult
Sorting dreams from reality, i've fallen into a fake
Life with you, for your answers always were
So open-ended,

& the ashes of love letters still lay untouched
By a knife, the day you broke it all off, I still
Remember the flames licking your photograph
As the green fire dropped to finish off the letters,
I wish I could have re-write some of these things,
"My only one", to retrace the words, and fake
A signature, that way it would just be me lying
Instead of only you,

While sitting outside, my ciggarette's burning down
The ashes fall and hit the floor, as the clock
Hits the same digit four times, a star falls,
I wish you would come back with the sun,
But no, and every sunrise I try then on
I try and wake, but no
I am fallen.

That entire first stanza needs some sorting through.
acrossed isn't a word. replace come acrossed with came across
thought should probably be changed to I think

Otherwise i like it. And even if you don't change it, it makes me think of Incubus. That song 11 AM Although that could be attributed to the fact that that's what I'm listening to right now

**sleepy jack** · 07-23-2006, 11:30 PM

Yeah fixed, i'm probaly gonna re-do it in a bit. My friend kind of tore it apart and he pointed out alot of errors & such.

woahairplane · 07-23-2006, 11:37 PM

the only problem i can see is that you should take out the "have" before "rewrite"

other than that, its pretty top notch.

**sleepy jack** · 07-23-2006, 11:41 PM

Yeahh done.

Raine · 07-23-2006, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Yeahh done.

no.
you're not
First stanza come across should came across
I still think thought should be I think

**sleepy jack** · 07-23-2006, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raine

no.
you're not
First stanza come across should came across
I still think thought should be I think

I meant with the could thing! *goes to edit again*

Raine · 07-24-2006, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

I meant with the could thing! *goes to edit again*

marvelous

(I'm bubbling over with excitement at the sight of the more or less finished product)

beat_monkey · 07-24-2006, 04:41 AM

good song i think and i dont see why you cant just say verse

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07-23-2006, 11:22 PM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	Fixed up older piece.. & I still can't come up with a title...I need to work on these kind of things. With the clouds closing in, and the rain falling I reflect on us, all my memories came across As kaleidoscopic when thinking of you, its difficult Sorting dreams from reality, i've fallen into a fake Life with you, for your answers always were So open-ended, & the ashes of love letters still lay untouched By a knife, the day you broke it all off, I still Remember the flames licking your photograph As the green fire dropped to finish off the letters, I wish I could re-write some of these things, "My only one", to retrace the words, and fake A signature, that way it would just be me lying Instead of only you, While sitting outside, my ciggarette's burning down The ashes fall and hit the floor, as the clock Hits the same digit four times, a star falls, I wish you would come back with the sun, But no, and every sunrise I try then on I try and wake, but no I am fallen. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-23-2006, 11:30 PM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	Yeah fixed, i'm probaly gonna re-do it in a bit. My friend kind of tore it apart and he pointed out alot of errors & such. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-23-2006, 11:37 PM
woahairplane probably basic Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: not with you. Posts: 79	the only problem i can see is that you should take out the "have" before "rewrite" other than that, its pretty top notch. __________________ 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown

07-23-2006, 11:41 PM
sleepy jack thom yorke disciple Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,807	Yeahh done. __________________ I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.

07-24-2006, 04:41 AM
beat_monkey Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: scotland Posts: 39	good song i think and i dont see why you cant just say verse __________________ those of you in the cheap seats clap to this one, the rest of you just rattle your jewellery. - John Lennon