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08-10-2006, 11:11 AM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: I Panic! At the Disco [[yesh]]
Posts: 59
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Heres Something Im Starting On..
Its no where near finished. I just want to know if its a good start. Or what i can change.
Verse 1 Im a Disoriented Teen With a lot of Hate I live my life without breathing day to day drowned by my own anxiety I tend to cut my own throat start of chorus Strangled by the same line that you slashed off once more..
__________________
I'm a mess of insecurities
Attention starved with a narcissistic twist Don't you think that I'm amazing? Please tell me I'm worth dating I have every reason not to leave home today |
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08-10-2006, 11:33 AM
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Full-Time Hellion
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 1,502
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Quote:
The first line of your frist stanza leaves me feeling a tad disoriented. The concept has been done before and you're too being too vague to make this song stand out in a positive way amongst all the other songs about this subject. I don't think this is a very good start to anything as is. My suggestion is that you toss the first two lines enitrely and rewrite the first stanza so that the first line is a hook and then carry on with . . . whatever else it was you wanted to say I live life day to day drowning in anxieties . . . blah blah blah or I live life day to day inhaling anxieties and expelling . . . . blah blah blah I dunno
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A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche |
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08-10-2006, 02:17 PM
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Bone Machine
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Jesusland
Posts: 17,584
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Quit trying to write like FFTL and do your own thing.
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I'm not blind, I believe in you. |
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08-10-2006, 02:27 PM
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Avin' It!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: THE PEOPLES ЯEPUBLIK ФF MAИCUИIA
Posts: 5,532
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Who? Raine or the n00b?
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UNITED > KIDS > WIFE Quote:
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08-10-2006, 02:28 PM
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Bone Machine
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Jesusland
Posts: 17,584
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The n00b.
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I'm not blind, I believe in you. |
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08-10-2006, 02:29 PM
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I'm still your f4g
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,525
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Unoriginal and trite.
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Whatever it is you think you are, you're not a good friend, unique, well read, good looking or smart. Now you know.
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08-10-2006, 02:30 PM
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Full-Time Hellion
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 1,502
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Quote:
The idea of me writing int he manner in which Failure by Designer Jeans does makes me wanna rip my eyes out of their sockets
__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche |
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08-10-2006, 02:34 PM
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ashes against the grain
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: new hampsha
Posts: 2,571
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Quote:
__________________
We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. |
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08-10-2006, 04:00 PM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: I Panic! At the Disco [[yesh]]
Posts: 59
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Quote:
Im not trying to be like them. They have never wrote anything. close to that.
__________________
I'm a mess of insecurities
Attention starved with a narcissistic twist Don't you think that I'm amazing? Please tell me I'm worth dating I have every reason not to leave home today |
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08-10-2006, 04:05 PM
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Bone Machine
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Jesusland
Posts: 17,584
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Quote:
__________________
I'm not blind, I believe in you. |
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