I've Given Up Thinking It Keeps Getting Me Into Trouble (cover, show)

**sleepy jack** · 08-18-2006, 04:00 PM

This is just a really rough draft, wonderin' about your thoughts on it. I'm kind of trying something new, to be less silly? Well, alot of my stuff isn't silly, but it just isn't that serious alot of the times. And this is kind of based off a couple of books i've been reading with my own little twists, mainly the stand.

I've Given Up Thinking It Keeps Getting Me Into Trouble

"Show me a man or a woman alone and I'll show you a saint.
Give me two and they'll fall in love.
Give me three and they'll invent the charming thing we call 'society'.
Give me four and they'll build a pyramid.
Give me five and they'll make one an outcast.
Give me six and they'll reinvent prejudice.
Give me seven and in seven years they'll reinvent warfare.
Man may have been made in the image of God, but human society was made in the image of his opposite number, and is always trying to get back home."

I wander through a desolate school yard,
The dead pine needles, scatter beneath my feet,
They’re the same shade as the cracked pavement,
I stumble in a paticular rip, stumble into the beauty
Of the whole situation,
The broken glass, connected at the back
To the window frame,
The way the ash lays in silent slumber
Between the cracks in bricks,
Maybe it’s the lack of clean air,
Or the lack of another voice,
An eternal dead area,
Threaded in decay,
I see beauty in this.

The tale behind the ruin,
A young kid, by the name of Billy,
Got sick of his lunch being taken,
He was a nervous and timid child,
But he had formed a plan,
The bully Dustin always beat him down
In front of this bench,
And as Dustin went to take him down,
Billy shoved, and time stopped
Dustin fell down, slower then a feather.
Cracked his skull, Billy was beat down
In an instant by the surrounding friends,
This story later appeared in the news,
It was tragically penned down
As a metaphor for current times,
Where two countries can wind up dead,
And all the kids still lose,

Dictate the imagery here,
And match it up to make it seem like fate,
So as I kneel in reflection,
A pistol to the skull,
As the barrel rested against
My ear, I found the strength to go on.
There are a great many ways to
Commit suicide, I choose the least pristine,
And everyone owes the world a death,
I know this but oh god, how long that last
Mile is, and tell me, who wouldn’t
Give their lives at the sight of untainted
Human fuckery? for such a belief,
For such wrong ideology
When I gave the word for whats to be done,
Free will wasn't a factor,
I’m sorry for what I am,
So shall I sleep?

**LesPaul43** · 08-18-2006, 04:03 PM

Its good, i like 1 stanza best, then second, then 3rd.

**sleepy jack** · 08-19-2006, 03:39 PM

Meh, I don't like the middle verse. For future reference, anyone critiqueing this just do the intro/outro i'm working on a better part of the middle.

andy · 08-19-2006, 03:58 PM

I like this, Really really like the 1st stanza, well done mate

Ace · 08-19-2006, 06:13 PM

Loved the intro. Outro was good too.

either/or · 08-20-2006, 01:42 AM

nice work man, good as always

Crowe · 08-20-2006, 12:19 PM

i have a bit of trouble understanding how the last verse connects with the other two. Did I miss an inference? I do like the story for what it is, though. Reminds me a lot of the songs I have posted on here - kind of tragic - which becomes brilliant with the beautiful descriptions that you have written.

Quote:

The pine needles, dead scatter beneath my feet,

I think this would be better as Dead pine needles, <new adjective> beneath my feet. Scatter doesn't make sense for a couple of reasons... they aren't alive, if they are beneath your feet, they wouldn't be moving... because you are probably heavier than they are.

**sleepy jack** · 08-20-2006, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowe

i have a bit of trouble understanding how the last verse connects with the other two. Did I miss an inference? I do like the story for what it is, though. Reminds me a lot of the songs I have posted on here - kind of tragic - which becomes brilliant with the beautiful descriptions that you have written.

I think this would be better as Dead pine needles, <new adjective> beneath my feet. Scatter doesn't make sense for a couple of reasons... they aren't alive, if they are beneath your feet, they wouldn't be moving... because you are probably heavier than they are.

I kick pine needles when I walk causing them to scatter...=/ *edits that last part*

This is still a rough draft I need to work on connecting it better, I get what you mean though.

And about the connection part, it'll make more sense once I smooth over the story more so it flows betterr. Typically before I like properly finish it, it seems kind of jumpy.

**sleepy jack** · 08-20-2006, 10:21 PM

Okay, heres the two things I wrote to replace the center verse.

The tale behind a ruin,
A bomb desolated the area,
The world, I live to tell the tale,
I saw the pen dance across the
A-okay, leaving a trail of ink,
An agreement to death,
I ignored the angel on my shoulder,
Followed its complete opposite,
For the human mind is always so
Stubborn, and our choices typically
Reflect our more influencial brothers,
When I agreed to this role, I took
My place, wore my suit like armor,
My speeches were weapons,
Tipped with poisons,
They've confused the factual
With the actual propaganda,
I've infected the youth,
And I feel no regret.

or

The tale behind the ruin, an ill fated world,
Maybe I put too much faith in modern weaponry,
But I thought we'd make it out alive,
Now I see kids bodies decorating the street,
As dead as reagan, somwhere in these
Schoolgrounds lies out future,
Fluent in defeat, and covered in bruises,
I feel a soft burning beneath my brain,
Maybe i'm going insane, or maybe i'm fading away,
All I know is, the disgust and sorrow mixed to
to form a thing called remorse.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

08-18-2006, 04:00 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,584	I've Given Up Thinking It Keeps Getting Me Into Trouble This is just a really rough draft, wonderin' about your thoughts on it. I'm kind of trying something new, to be less silly? Well, alot of my stuff isn't silly, but it just isn't that serious alot of the times. And this is kind of based off a couple of books i've been reading with my own little twists, mainly the stand. I've Given Up Thinking It Keeps Getting Me Into Trouble "Show me a man or a woman alone and I'll show you a saint. Give me two and they'll fall in love. Give me three and they'll invent the charming thing we call 'society'. Give me four and they'll build a pyramid. Give me five and they'll make one an outcast. Give me six and they'll reinvent prejudice. Give me seven and in seven years they'll reinvent warfare. Man may have been made in the image of God, but human society was made in the image of his opposite number, and is always trying to get back home." I wander through a desolate school yard, The dead pine needles, scatter beneath my feet, They’re the same shade as the cracked pavement, I stumble in a paticular rip, stumble into the beauty Of the whole situation, The broken glass, connected at the back To the window frame, The way the ash lays in silent slumber Between the cracks in bricks, Maybe it’s the lack of clean air, Or the lack of another voice, An eternal dead area, Threaded in decay, I see beauty in this. The tale behind the ruin, A young kid, by the name of Billy, Got sick of his lunch being taken, He was a nervous and timid child, But he had formed a plan, The bully Dustin always beat him down In front of this bench, And as Dustin went to take him down, Billy shoved, and time stopped Dustin fell down, slower then a feather. Cracked his skull, Billy was beat down In an instant by the surrounding friends, This story later appeared in the news, It was tragically penned down As a metaphor for current times, Where two countries can wind up dead, And all the kids still lose, Dictate the imagery here, And match it up to make it seem like fate, So as I kneel in reflection, A pistol to the skull, As the barrel rested against My ear, I found the strength to go on. There are a great many ways to Commit suicide, I choose the least pristine, And everyone owes the world a death, I know this but oh god, how long that last Mile is, and tell me, who wouldn’t Give their lives at the sight of untainted Human fuckery? for such a belief, For such wrong ideology When I gave the word for whats to be done, Free will wasn't a factor, I’m sorry for what I am, So shall I sleep? __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

08-18-2006, 04:03 PM
LesPaul43 Bring da Ruckus Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,023	Its good, i like 1 stanza best, then second, then 3rd. __________________ Life's not a bitch life is a beautiful woman You only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

08-19-2006, 03:39 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,584	Meh, I don't like the middle verse. For future reference, anyone critiqueing this just do the intro/outro i'm working on a better part of the middle. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

08-19-2006, 03:58 PM
andy Guitar Doctor Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 222	I like this, Really really like the 1st stanza, well done mate __________________ Click Here if you dare

08-19-2006, 06:13 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 647	Loved the intro. Outro was good too. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

08-20-2006, 01:42 AM
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 379	nice work man, good as always __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

08-20-2006, 10:21 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,584	Okay, heres the two things I wrote to replace the center verse. The tale behind a ruin, A bomb desolated the area, The world, I live to tell the tale, I saw the pen dance across the A-okay, leaving a trail of ink, An agreement to death, I ignored the angel on my shoulder, Followed its complete opposite, For the human mind is always so Stubborn, and our choices typically Reflect our more influencial brothers, When I agreed to this role, I took My place, wore my suit like armor, My speeches were weapons, Tipped with poisons, They've confused the factual With the actual propaganda, I've infected the youth, And I feel no regret. or The tale behind the ruin, an ill fated world, Maybe I put too much faith in modern weaponry, But I thought we'd make it out alive, Now I see kids bodies decorating the street, As dead as reagan, somwhere in these Schoolgrounds lies out future, Fluent in defeat, and covered in bruises, I feel a soft burning beneath my brain, Maybe i'm going insane, or maybe i'm fading away, All I know is, the disgust and sorrow mixed to to form a thing called remorse. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.