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10-17-2006, 04:08 PM
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Mais Je Reve
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The birthplace of techno!
Posts: 2,015
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It's Been Forever
If you take the time to read this it would make me extremely happy.
Comments would be nice too, but don't feel obligated. Much love. It's Been Forever Rearranging all the parts In this puzzle full of starts You’re still moving on While I’m still waiting Your legs resting on my lap I must sound like a big sap You’re laughing with me Not for the first time I’d prefer to see your face Rather than get to a base Breathing in the room Watch you with dark eyes We both move in for the kiss Still not knowing if it fits “Wow it’s been so long” I wanted to say that… Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves- Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves Then you realize Almost way too late Tomorrow has been- It’s been forever Feeling lost inside of you Sleeved hearts know not what to do Dragging out time until Time is full of shit Your face stops before my face Well I know it’s not a race Beating hearts won’t stop Wow you’re so soft now When this feeling in my head Has moved away from the bed I look back at you Eyes away from me Staring stiffly at the floor You want me I want you more “Wow it’s been so long” I wanted to say that… Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves- Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves Then you realize Almost way too late Tomorrow has been- It’s been forever The car without a smile No staying for a while The door comes down fast You leave so quickly Run inside the music blares Go upstairs and smell the chair My nose is stuffy Your scent departed Tears arrive but do not leave These are my heart’s to receive Slowly bow my head No more sad speech please Before when it seemed so long I wished our love had been strong Wanted to say that “It’s been much too long” Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves- Some things never change While we’re waiting for ourselves Then you realize Almost way too late Tomorrow has been- It’s been forever
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10-17-2006, 08:30 PM
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Mais Je Reve
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The birthplace of techno!
Posts: 2,015
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good job jake
<3 Janell
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10-18-2006, 08:12 AM
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Me and The Major
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1,889
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I honestly don't like it at all, the forced rhyming doesn't work well at all and the techniques are very basic. It seems like you're trying to fit what you want to say inot a pre set out format instead of just letting it come out naturally.
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10-18-2006, 04:57 PM
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Mais Je Reve
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The birthplace of techno!
Posts: 2,015
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Wow, you're a good reader, that's exactly how I feel about it.
It kind of happened right after an incident and I had all the words planned out in my head, but didn't know the scheme, so it sounds forced.
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10-18-2006, 05:21 PM
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Who Loves Ya Baby???
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: SH1TTY London Ontario Canada
Posts: 2,349
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don't give up the feeling is totally there, you just need to find the right words.
Nice job so far; it just needs work
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 I've been had at least that's how it looks and it's not funny like on TV and it's not smart like it is in books |
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10-18-2006, 05:29 PM
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Mais Je Reve
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The birthplace of techno!
Posts: 2,015
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Thanks MJ, i l u.
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