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11-22-2006, 01:48 PM
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that's my war face.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,451
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We all write poems here, love
What have I crept into?
This heart does not belong here I stare at problems past but they refuse to disappear It's cruel to be this cold Maybe I'm dead who knows? There's a fear around you I can feel it Feel it in my trenches where you are fighting this war and losing!! |
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11-22-2006, 04:36 PM
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dance music
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 17,772
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I dont like the ending, its sort of weak and a bit on the cheesy side other then that its pretty good.
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I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear. |
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11-23-2006, 05:01 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: London bridge
Posts: 21
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nice one
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Wen i come on this forum step aside. |
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11-23-2006, 09:20 PM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chicago/St. Louie
Posts: 727
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It's short and yet I feel it's too busy. I know that brevity is sometimes considered a virtue, but you have good material in which you can explore. If you do plan on keeping it this short, the last two lines are woefully out of place in a piece that is not completely about war.
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