The Ballad Of An Orgasm (sex, at night, BY a field) (dancing, Kiss)

DontRunMeOver · 11-27-2006, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

The stars aren't out yet but the moons full, look at the way it makes silver out of the grass the way it shines behind the glass, as we take in eachother with our eyes.

The curves along your body are being shown, spotlit by the moon as we take off our clothes, laying in bed I trace your body like a blind mean reading your bones, studying your geography your story carved into my soul.

Dancing, like butterflies in the night, on the woods wind with my lips against yours "this is nice" you say, and I think you're right, we love each other same, and so much more my lips against yours, our bodies entwined, this is nice.

And there we are, in your bedroom the night sky staring at us through the veil like curtains, its like there are butterflies dancing around our naked bodies, our silhouettes standing in the night, and we kiss under the moons light.

You said this was nice.
I think you're right.

better?

The emboldened bits I didn't think work so well. Mainly because most of the lyric is very visual and of the moment and the bits of talking or mentioning of anything more permanent ("your story carved into my soul") takes away from that atmosphere. Breaks the trance, if you like. In fact, I'd tend to imagine everything as being almost silent, so the speech doesn't fit.

I'd suggest you end with a bit of imagery, perhaps something akin to the camera panning away from the scene...

sleepy jack · 11-27-2006, 09:10 PM

I seee what you mean.

The stars aren't out yet but the moons full, look at the way it makes silver out of the grass the way it shines behind the glass, as we take in eachother with our eyes.

The curves along your body are being shown, spotlit by the moon as we take off our clothes, laying in bed I trace your body like a blind mean reading your bones, studying your geography making you my own.

And here we are in your bedroom, the night sky staring at us through veil like curtains, like theres butterflies dancing aruond our naked bodies our silhouettes standing in the night and we kiss under the moon lights.

GRRR, I want to have some pretty ending line, but I can't think of one =/

under · 11-27-2006, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spike*Spiegel

omg

we are in agreement

Wow...that's a shocker....

Lemme take a moment to harness it......done

BTW likin the poem now

sleepy jack · 11-27-2006, 10:51 PM

Alright possiblities for that last line are

And we kiss, and pull each other close as we tremble like a forest before a fire.

or

And something in this air takes hold of us, and in this quiet light we feel a fire inside.

or

And in the gentle nights warmth we kiss.

dirt mcgirt · 11-29-2006, 12:40 AM

needs to be more explicit son, like f*ckin a bitch behind a dumpster insted o butterflires an moonlight an sh*t. naamean?

DontRunMeOver · 11-29-2006, 06:43 AM

Dirt, you are my hero.

sleepy jack · 11-29-2006, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

Dirt, you are my hero.

Hes officially mine too.

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11-27-2006, 09:10 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,763	I seee what you mean. The stars aren't out yet but the moons full, look at the way it makes silver out of the grass the way it shines behind the glass, as we take in eachother with our eyes. The curves along your body are being shown, spotlit by the moon as we take off our clothes, laying in bed I trace your body like a blind mean reading your bones, studying your geography making you my own. And here we are in your bedroom, the night sky staring at us through veil like curtains, like theres butterflies dancing aruond our naked bodies our silhouettes standing in the night and we kiss under the moon lights. GRRR, I want to have some pretty ending line, but I can't think of one =/ __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

11-27-2006, 10:51 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,763	Alright possiblities for that last line are And we kiss, and pull each other close as we tremble like a forest before a fire. or And something in this air takes hold of us, and in this quiet light we feel a fire inside. or And in the gentle nights warmth we kiss. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

11-29-2006, 12:40 AM
dirt mcgirt lift ya skirt Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: brooklyn zoo, what? Posts: 189	needs to be more explicit son, like fckin a bitch behind a dumpster insted o butterflires an moonlight an sht. naamean?