sleepy jack

Personally, I think thats my best title yet or I may call it 'You Can Rhyme Erection With Your Face', i dont know YOUDECIDE.

The Ballad Of An Orgasm

The stars aren't out yet but the moons full, look at the way it makes silver out of the grass, the way it shines behind the glass, as we take in each other in with our eyes.

The curves along your body, spotlit by the moon being held over our heads by a weightless sky as I trace your body like a blind man reading your bones, studying your geography, your story carved into my soul.

Dancing like butterflies in the night time, on the woods wind with my lips again yours "this is nice" you said, and I think you're right, we love each other some more, and it does feel alright.

And there we are, under the night sky, butterflies around our naked bodies our silhouettes standing strong, as we kiss one more time under the moons light.

You said this was nice.
I think you're right.

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awriterslastresort

I like the poem...the title...ehhhh not so much

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shield yourself fool

swim

It's kind of sketchy, like there's something pretty important missing though I'm not sure what. It's kind of weird because the way you describe the setting makes it seem like your speaking of something wonderful and then by some of your general word choice it seems you're speaking of something being just ok, being complacent or settling.

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sleepy jack

isee

I get what you're saying, i'll re-work on this and post a new version when I get a chance.

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Alo

What;'s up with the ''your story carved into my soul.'' part?

I don't really see what that has to do with sex, it seems a little displaced. I liked the rest of the poem though. Liked, not loved.

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I rocked my shoelaces untied

blackTshirt

i think that was deep with the carved thing
and the soul is involved when you love the person you're havin sex with
so it's not displaced

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sleepy jack

Its about like, a body sort of being a book and all your scars, insecurities, and how much stress you've been going through can typically be seen through their body. Through seeing her naked you understand her "story".


The curves along your body, spotlit by the moon being held over our heads by a weightless sky as I trace your body like a blind man reading your bones, studying your geography, your story carved into my soul.

= About me seeing her naked in the moonlight and tracing over her body with my fingers.

butterflies around our naked bodies.

= Speaks for itself.

Actually looking at this, I should probaly make it less vague in parts, and more vague in others.




Here it iss, version 2.

The stars aren't out yet but the moons full, look at the way it makes silver out of the grass the way it shines behind the glass, as we take in eachother with our eyes.

The curves along your body are being shown, spotlit by the moon as we take off our clothes, laying in bed I trace your body like a blind mean reading your bones, studying your geography your story carved into my soul.

Dancing, like butterflies in the night, on the woods wind with my lips against yours "this is nice" you say, and I think you're right, we love each other same, and so much more my lips against yours, our bodies entwined, this is nice.

And there we are, in your bedroom the night sky staring at us through the veil like curtains, its like there are butterflies dancing around our naked bodies, our silhouettes standing in the night, and we kiss under the moons light.

You said this was nice.
I think you're right.


better?

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Spike*Spiegel

i liked it. needs a new title, though

awriterslastresort

^ tis what I said...good poem, not so good title

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shield yourself fool

Spike*Spiegel

omg we are in agreement