Ramptourist in her own life (song, Hang)

Alo · 12-07-2006, 11:48 AM

I had a line in my head for a few days now... But I have no idea what to do with it. I tried something today, but it doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd like to change it so it does though. This is what I came up with till now:

you're a ramptourist in your own life
happiness just isn't right for you
you need fight after fight after fight
but we'll forgive you, it's ok this time
and again, then again, then once more, yet again
because you can't help it, no, because after all
you're a ramptourist in your own life
with a candid knife for the backs of innocents
go then kill a lamb, it'll come back from the dead
and forgive you, again then again, once more, yet again

Help?

**sleepy jack** · 12-07-2006, 12:28 PM

Something I noticed, its sort of repetitive, you rhyme you with you. Also you could probaly change this "it'll come back to life" to something like come back from the dead, so you don't end up using life three times.

Alo · 12-08-2006, 08:25 AM

I've changed that, you were right, it was kind of childish...

lenrotche · 12-11-2006, 10:52 PM

at the risk of sounding stupid: what's a ramptourist?

Alo · 12-12-2006, 07:14 AM

When tourists go to a place where a ramp happened, it attracts ramptourists.

So in the song she's like a visiter in her own life, seeing all the disasters and chaos. But she doesn't feel appaled, this makes her life interesting, she needs chaos and fights.

I hope my wonderfull English has cleared that up for you...

lenrotche · 12-12-2006, 12:58 PM

ah, thanks. i was still a bit confused for a while there.... the only meaning of ramp that i've ever known is like the inclined type that you walk up.

Alo · 12-12-2006, 02:08 PM

Ok, after the clearing up, any upbuilding critique for me?

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12-07-2006, 11:48 AM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718	Ramptourist in her own life I had a line in my head for a few days now... But I have no idea what to do with it. I tried something today, but it doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd like to change it so it does though. This is what I came up with till now: you're a ramptourist in your own life happiness just isn't right for you you need fight after fight after fight but we'll forgive you, it's ok this time and again, then again, then once more, yet again because you can't help it, no, because after all you're a ramptourist in your own life with a candid knife for the backs of innocents go then kill a lamb, it'll come back from the dead and forgive you, again then again, once more, yet again Help? __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied Last edited by Alo : 12-08-2006 at 08:24 AM.

12-07-2006, 12:28 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	Something I noticed, its sort of repetitive, you rhyme you with you. Also you could probaly change this "it'll come back to life" to something like come back from the dead, so you don't end up using life three times. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

12-08-2006, 08:25 AM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718	I've changed that, you were right, it was kind of childish... __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

12-11-2006, 10:52 PM
lenrotche Groupie Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Hamilton, New Zealand Posts: 22	at the risk of sounding stupid: what's a ramptourist? __________________ http://thedeadlydeaths.com

12-12-2006, 07:14 AM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718	When tourists go to a place where a ramp happened, it attracts ramptourists. So in the song she's like a visiter in her own life, seeing all the disasters and chaos. But she doesn't feel appaled, this makes her life interesting, she needs chaos and fights. I hope my wonderfull English has cleared that up for you... __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

12-12-2006, 12:58 PM
lenrotche Groupie Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Hamilton, New Zealand Posts: 22	ah.... ah, thanks. i was still a bit confused for a while there.... the only meaning of ramp that i've ever known is like the inclined type that you walk up. __________________ http://thedeadlydeaths.com

12-12-2006, 02:08 PM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718	Ok, after the clearing up, any upbuilding critique for me? __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied