oojay

No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.

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sleepy jack

Nah, what you're offering is your bush loving bible brainwashed opinion.

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I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

oojay

Not happenin' lil buddy. Find someone else to argue with

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Unforunately, I agree, it wasn't very helpful, at all.

Also, the political BS was in it from the beginning, the title itself is a stab at those anti-*** marriage. Maybe if you pull your head out of Pat Robertson's ass, you'll see that.

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I said: I'm fucking the Prime Minister Of Spain.

either/or

politics aside lets focus on the song itself. it doesn't seem like really anything more than a few choice sentences to push these issues we already are very aware about. remember music has got to be entertaining, it can't just be whiny, so maybe dress the issues into a narrative form or some more touching.

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Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

I'm sorry, did you just call me whiny?

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I said: I'm fucking the Prime Minister Of Spain.

either/or

sure did moko.

its like a dont smoke advertisment

__________________
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation

DontRunMeOver

I agree that it's a bit whiny. To me it seems whiny because of the persons in which it's written. So much of it is along the lines of "YOU are picking on US". When I read it, the first time I see that something in my mind thinks "well, I am not picking on you*, so this poem is a fiction" and it kind of forces me to switch off.

As I'm not a *** person who is being picked on by somebody for my sexuality, then it isn't going to connect with me at all when you've written it from that perspective. So, once again, I also see it as whiny.

What I'd suggest is that you could change it around so that the person in the poem is the one who is picking on the *** people.

Such as,

"My hate, and my vicious placards, don't see to stop anything.
Showing love means breaking the law, yet they say "so be it".
I scream at them through one corner of my mouth,
And tell my kids to stop having sex with the other."

Which I think makes it more interesting.

BTW, I italicised a bit which I found very funny because it insinuated that the person's kids were having sex with one side of the person's mouth. Bahahaha.

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To listen to my music click this link - WWW.MYSPACE.COM/JODILEEPARKER

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

The "you" doesn't always, and in fact RARELY refers to the reader, in my experience.

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I said: I'm fucking the Prime Minister Of Spain.

DontRunMeOver

Oh, my bad. I hadn't realised you were such a seasoned pro. Maybe you could offer an explanation for why I can't get into your poem, don't feel a connection with it and don't feel affected at all by what I assume is its intended message then?

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To listen to my music click this link - WWW.MYSPACE.COM/JODILEEPARKER