Giving Ten While Amy Gives Me Head (dance, bling, Ching)

**sleepy jack** · 01-08-2007, 08:18 PM

I didn't realize how long this was till I finish typing it up haha

Giving Ten While Amy Gives Me Head

Theres a cracked oak footrest where I lay my feet, its held together by worn leather and rusty nails. I sat staring into my whiskey, watching the light catch its mouth and sat on my chair. Thinking of drinking it till my stomach couldn't stand it, then i'd fall asleep and dream of nothing in particular.

I watch the falling sun seeming to dance through the bottle and paint the wall with an image so spectacular. It appears so warped, and twisted the reflection of the glass, the delicate amber shade of the melted sand, laid on the white wall become canvas, who would've thought such beauty come come from a bottle?

The moons silver isn't bright enough, but my visions too blurred to care and I drop the bottle, it shatters and I flash back to reality and my knees stumble to the ground. Vomit falls from my lips, i'm blacking out now as the world caves in and between the moon's light and the dark, I lay shivering.

Who would've thought such beauty could come from a bottle?
Yeah such beauty.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-08-2007, 08:28 PM

I didn't realize how long this was < That's what she said. Black dotzorz.

**sleepy jack** · 01-08-2007, 08:32 PM

ohhhSNAP!

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-08-2007, 08:52 PM

The first line implies you're standing on the stool, then you saying you're sitting on it. Choose one.

till my stomach could stand < Couldn't, maybe?

And i'm ddowning it now < Don't START a verse/stanza with and. Stupidhead. Lol, jk. But seriously, no and.

ddowning < Downing, maybe?

and the moons silver isn't bright enough, < Try some more periods, the part previous to this is completely irrelevant to this.

but my visions too blurred to care I drop the bottle < Written too prosey. Also, an and would work nicely after care, and then take out some of the other grammatical niceties, hm? Alright.

and stumble to the ground < "My knees stumbling to the ground", perhaps? Cause if you're flat on your stomach and vomiting...ewww.

moons < Moon's, maybe?

This was good, just some gramatical errors. Also, more periods would be good, you try to link unlinked ideas by using commas. Using commas doesn't magically relate them, Ethan. Lol. But good piece. Now crit mine thoroughly or I'll hurtzor you! With my l33t 5p33k!

**sleepy jack** · 01-08-2007, 08:55 PM

I'll try, but I ****in' blow at critiqueing.

So please don't bust out the 1337 5p33k

*goes to edit poem*

I meant, the stool is like a footrest sort of thing.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-08-2007, 09:04 PM

Then say footrest. Or ottamen, or however it's spelled. Oh, and then you have the same word describing two different things, which isn't good.

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01-08-2007, 08:18 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,311	Giving Ten While Amy Gives Me Head I didn't realize how long this was till I finish typing it up haha Giving Ten While Amy Gives Me Head Theres a cracked oak footrest where I lay my feet, its held together by worn leather and rusty nails. I sat staring into my whiskey, watching the light catch its mouth and sat on my chair. Thinking of drinking it till my stomach couldn't stand it, then i'd fall asleep and dream of nothing in particular. I watch the falling sun seeming to dance through the bottle and paint the wall with an image so spectacular. It appears so warped, and twisted the reflection of the glass, the delicate amber shade of the melted sand, laid on the white wall become canvas, who would've thought such beauty come come from a bottle? The moons silver isn't bright enough, but my visions too blurred to care and I drop the bottle, it shatters and I flash back to reality and my knees stumble to the ground. Vomit falls from my lips, i'm blacking out now as the world caves in and between the moon's light and the dark, I lay shivering. Who would've thought such beauty could come from a bottle? Yeah such beauty. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

01-08-2007, 08:32 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,311	ohhhSNAP! __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

01-08-2007, 08:55 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,311	I'll try, but I ***in' blow at critiqueing. So please don't bust out the 1337 5p33k goes to edit poem* I meant, the stool is like a footrest sort of thing. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.