We Stare At The Same Moon (lyrics, dancing, dance, house)

**sleepy jack** · 01-19-2007, 03:38 AM

Wrote this with a friend, we're start a band shes female I am male. So i'll put her words in pink, the ones I wrote in blue. Were planning on singing the bits we wrote.

All my songs we'll probably be like this for awhile now since they're the ones I mainly need opinions on.

We Stare At The Same Moon

Daylight dancing across the sill of my world,
A suicide of stars, I think of bright lights,
We stare at the same moon like a pearl,
And to think, i'd hope you'd be my wife.

We so we watch a bow of bent colors,
A ribbon of such beautiful brilliance,
My pen dancing to a prose for lovers,
And I tie of those all those loose strings,
And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing.

But these words I wrote in dirt,
Were arranged to trick your heart,
So watch yourself and don't fall to far,
I am scarred, and I tend to fade away,
But don't be so bitter, books have two sides,
So quit frowning and stop believing these lies.

We so we watch a bow of bent colors,
A ribbon of such beautiful brilliance,
My pen dancing to a prose for lovers,
And I tie of those all those loose strings,
And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing.

Chase the sun with me today,
Even if with the night you fade away,
All I want is to find the gold with you,
To dance like a bunch of fools,
To trace these skylines like we do,
Our childish minds dreaming of things,
Tie of those all those loose strings,
And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing.

And its so scary to admit,
The way you lift my soul,
You'll always be gold.

Hey angel I think i'm ready for you,
Hey angel I think the sky is turning blue.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 01-19-2007, 04:34 PM

Oh snippety snap, he's back with a brand new rap...and it's about that goddamn girlfriend.

But these words I wrote in the dirt, < No 'the' sounds better. Hoe.

Hey angel I think i'm ready for you,
Hey angel I think the sky is turning blue. < Hey, angel, I think your repetition blows.

And its so scary to admit,
The way you lift my soul,
You'll always be my gold. < First line needs to be rethought, and "be gold" sounds better, suhn.

Chase the sun with me today,
Even if with the night you fade away, < If and with right next to each other is a cool alliteration, however, it's also fuckin' awkward.

Stop changing the fucking color.

7.5/10. Good shiz.

ItsRed · 01-19-2007, 04:38 PM

I'm just going to be blunt without trying to be offensive and we'll see how that goes.

I get the overall ephemeral/reward metaphor of relationship/rainbow, I just don't find it interesting, or appealing.

And if you absolutely have to use metaphors, give us surprises that make us think. First, even though I really like some of yours I think there is way too many. Second, well second is just harsh without any help, but it dealt with the quality of the metaphor.

An example of a metaphor with surprise, just off the top of my head --
'You're pink like all those houses in Alabama'

And it could say- you're poor and trying to look pretty, or possibly evoke more imagination in the listener. Sure the first time they'll wtf it, but those are the metaphors that can make people think. Engage and invest people into a song.

Now on a positive note, I really like these (pasted below) lyrics of the song. I like the mis-direction and imagery and the bluntness.

Daylight dancing across the sill of my world,
A suicide of stars, I think of bright lights,

And to think, i'd hope you'd be my wife.

But these words I wrote in the dirt,
Were arranged to trick your heart,
So watch yourself and don't fall too far,
I am scarred, and I tend to fade away,

Closing: I just hope you don't feel flamed, you have plenty of strengths in your writing.

**sleepy jack** · 01-19-2007, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Stop changing the fucking color.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Wrote this with a friend, we're start a band shes female I am male. So i'll put her words in pink, the ones I wrote in blue. Were planning on singing the bits we wrote.

.

Ill read the rest if the comments and fix it later tonight.

**sleepy jack** · 01-19-2007, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Oh snippety snap, he's back with a brand new rap...and it's about that goddamn girlfriend.

Its not about her actually at all, that immature bitch can die.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

But these words I wrote in the dirt, < No 'the' sounds better. Hoe.

I'll take out the the.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Hey angel I think i'm ready for you,
Hey angel I think the sky is turning blue. < Hey, angel, I think your repetition blows.

That made me EllOhhEllz, but it sounds cool played.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

And its so scary to admit,
The way you lift my soul,
You'll always be my gold. < First line needs to be rethought, and "be gold" sounds better, suhn.

fixed

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Chase the sun with me today,
Even if with the night you fade away, < If and with right next to each other is a cool alliteration, however, it's also fuckin' awkward.

Yeah itll probably get changed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Stop changing the fucking color.

already explained

7.5/10. Good shiz.[/quote]

Thank you =)

Onto the other post.

[quote=ItsRed;326939]I'm just going to be blunt without trying to be offensive and we'll see how that goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsRed

I get the overall ephemeral/reward metaphor of relationship/rainbow, I just don't find it interesting, or appealing.

*shrugs* We like it, and its hard for us to find something to both write about (metaphor wise) that doesn't suck for one of us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsRed

And if you absolutely have to use metaphors, give us surprises that make us think. First, even though I really like some of yours I think there is way too many. Second, well second is just harsh without any help, but it dealt with the quality of the metaphor.

An example of a metaphor with surprise, just off the top of my head --
'You're pink like all those houses in Alabama'

Aightt, ill bring it up. I see what you mean and agree completely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsRed

And it could say- you're poor and trying to look pretty, or possibly evoke more imagination in the listener. Sure the first time they'll wtf it, but those are the metaphors that can make people think. Engage and invest people into a song.

See abov ecomment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsRed

Now on a positive note, I really like these (pasted below) lyrics of the song. I like the mis-direction and imagery and the bluntness.

Daylight dancing across the sill of my world,
A suicide of stars, I think of bright lights,

And to think, i'd hope you'd be my wife.

But these words I wrote in the dirt,
Were arranged to trick your heart,
So watch yourself and don't fall too far,
I am scarred, and I tend to fade away,

Thank youu.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsRed

Closing: I just hope you don't feel flamed, you have plenty of strengths in your writing.

Lol, I wouldn't flame you for this, its actually thought out.

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01-19-2007, 03:38 AM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,218	We Stare At The Same Moon Wrote this with a friend, we're start a band shes female I am male. So i'll put her words in pink, the ones I wrote in blue. Were planning on singing the bits we wrote. All my songs we'll probably be like this for awhile now since they're the ones I mainly need opinions on. We Stare At The Same Moon Daylight dancing across the sill of my world, A suicide of stars, I think of bright lights, We stare at the same moon like a pearl, And to think, i'd hope you'd be my wife. We so we watch a bow of bent colors, A ribbon of such beautiful brilliance, My pen dancing to a prose for lovers, And I tie of those all those loose strings, And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing. But these words I wrote in dirt, Were arranged to trick your heart, So watch yourself and don't fall to far, I am scarred, and I tend to fade away, But don't be so bitter, books have two sides, So quit frowning and stop believing these lies. We so we watch a bow of bent colors, A ribbon of such beautiful brilliance, My pen dancing to a prose for lovers, And I tie of those all those loose strings, And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing. Chase the sun with me today, Even if with the night you fade away, All I want is to find the gold with you, To dance like a bunch of fools, To trace these skylines like we do, Our childish minds dreaming of things, Tie of those all those loose strings, And under a rainbow we'll lay and sing. And its so scary to admit, The way you lift my soul, You'll always be gold. Hey angel I think i'm ready for you, Hey angel I think the sky is turning blue. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

01-19-2007, 04:34 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 518	Oh snippety snap, he's back with a brand new rap...and it's about that goddamn girlfriend. But these words I wrote in the dirt, < No 'the' sounds better. Hoe. Hey angel I think i'm ready for you, Hey angel I think the sky is turning blue. < Hey, angel, I think your repetition blows. And its so scary to admit, The way you lift my soul, You'll always be my gold. < First line needs to be rethought, and "be gold" sounds better, suhn. Chase the sun with me today, Even if with the night you fade away, < If and with right next to each other is a cool alliteration, however, it's also fuckin' awkward. Stop changing the fucking color. 7.5/10. Good shiz. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

01-19-2007, 04:38 PM
ItsRed Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 50	I'm just going to be blunt without trying to be offensive and we'll see how that goes. I get the overall ephemeral/reward metaphor of relationship/rainbow, I just don't find it interesting, or appealing. And if you absolutely have to use metaphors, give us surprises that make us think. First, even though I really like some of yours I think there is way too many. Second, well second is just harsh without any help, but it dealt with the quality of the metaphor. An example of a metaphor with surprise, just off the top of my head -- 'You're pink like all those houses in Alabama' And it could say- you're poor and trying to look pretty, or possibly evoke more imagination in the listener. Sure the first time they'll wtf it, but those are the metaphors that can make people think. Engage and invest people into a song. Now on a positive note, I really like these (pasted below) lyrics of the song. I like the mis-direction and imagery and the bluntness. Daylight dancing across the sill of my world, A suicide of stars, I think of bright lights, And to think, i'd hope you'd be my wife. But these words I wrote in the dirt, Were arranged to trick your heart, So watch yourself and don't fall too far, I am scarred, and I tend to fade away, Closing: I just hope you don't feel flamed, you have plenty of strengths in your writing.