Hell (house, song)

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 07:35 PM

Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is

I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier
Screams fill the house with freight
Not sure what to do
Im scared myself
He Hurts and hurts
Im forced to think
Hell is a place called home
I try to tell him to calm down
And its very painfull
Everything flys by him
Nothing matters to him
He doesnt know
That I think
Hell is a place called home

So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal

Stu · 01-31-2007, 07:43 PM

Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 07:44 PM

Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow

Loser · 02-01-2007, 03:37 PM

A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

ZeppelinAir · 02-01-2007, 04:29 PM

more description and it will be great

skindredluver · 02-01-2007, 06:05 PM

Thanks all

Kevorkian Logic · 02-04-2007, 08:35 PM

"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier"

I wish I had COME earlier

" Screams fill the house with freight"
All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall.

Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.

skindredluver · 02-05-2007, 03:35 PM

Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes

**right-track** · 02-05-2007, 04:14 PM

" Screams fill the house with freight"

Surely you mean 'fright'.

Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-05-2007, 07:54 PM

Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.

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01-31-2007, 07:35 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	Hell Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier Screams fill the house with freight Not sure what to do Im scared myself He Hurts and hurts Im forced to think Hell is a place called home I try to tell him to calm down And its very painfull Everything flys by him Nothing matters to him He doesnt know That I think Hell is a place called home So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

01-31-2007, 07:43 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

01-31-2007, 07:44 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-01-2007, 03:37 PM
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,140	A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive. __________________ "It's just so fuckin' weird. You write about this shit, and you're suddenly the spokesman for a fuckin' generation,...... Any generation that would pick Kurt or me as its spokesman -- that must be a pretty fucked up generation, don't you think?"

02-01-2007, 04:29 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 544	more description and it will be great __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

02-01-2007, 06:05 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	Thanks all __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-04-2007, 08:35 PM
Kevorkian Logic Ya Wanna Trip? Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 910	"I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier" I wish I had COME earlier " Screams fill the house with freight" All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall. Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best. __________________ She was laughing like crazy at the trouble I'm in Her light eyes were dancing she is insane Schizophrenia is taking me home

02-05-2007, 03:35 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-05-2007, 04:14 PM
right-track Avin' It! Join Date: May 2005 Location: THE PEOPLES ЯEPUBLIK ФF MAИCUИIA Posts: 4,923	" Screams fill the house with freight" Surely you mean 'fright'. Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home? __________________ Choose Liverpool. Choose the dole queue. Choose to scam disability benefit. Choose mind-numbing, grinding efficiency over flair. Choose Torben Piechnik, Istvan Kozma and Paul Stewart. Choose not to win a single league title since the backpass rule was implemented. Choose penalties. Choose car stereos, hubcaps and stanley knives. Choose to trade on your proud sense of tradition and then not lift a finger in protest when two American billionaires who don't even know the name of your club decide to buy it. Choose to win the European Cup whilst only having to play seven matches. Choose to bask in a perpetual, sickening, media love-in. Choose celebrities who ** off out of your city as soon as they have earned the money to do so and then spend the rest of their lives harping on about how wonderful it is. Choose to sing about Munich until confronted with your own tragedy. Choose to end it all in an orgy of self pity, just another excuse to perpetuate the grief culture spawned by your selfish, insular **ed-up excuse for a city. Choose your future. Choose Scouse.

02-05-2007, 07:54 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 515	Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!