Mystic Grey-Black Sky

ZeppelinAir · 02-04-2007, 02:50 AM

i would really if a few of you could tell me what i did right and did wrong on this poem

Mystic Grey-Black Sky

A funnel of chaos falls from the sky
In the midst of the mothers howl,
Hounds in the hell passes and the mother will sigh,
Leaving the symbol through the fields and cities,
Splinters of our shattered lives,
Fly and pierce into our eyes,
Bleeding and broken we continue on,
Though we always shall wonder,
How many had to die when chaos fell from the sky

Loser · 02-04-2007, 08:26 AM

It reminds me a bit of the tornados that hit florida this weekend. But I enjoyed it I would've wished it could be alittle longer though.

Crowe · 02-04-2007, 11:45 AM

Hey I like this one a lot. Lot of clarity in the imagery all compacted into a short piece. Very nice.

skindredluver · 02-04-2007, 12:15 PM

Ya i like it a lot to!Better then mine

ZeppelinAir · 02-04-2007, 03:30 PM

thanks all

, i might still make it a bit longer

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02-04-2007, 02:50 AM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 544	Mystic Grey-Black Sky i would really if a few of you could tell me what i did right and did wrong on this poem Mystic Grey-Black Sky A funnel of chaos falls from the sky In the midst of the mothers howl, Hounds in the hell passes and the mother will sigh, Leaving the symbol through the fields and cities, Splinters of our shattered lives, Fly and pierce into our eyes, Bleeding and broken we continue on, Though we always shall wonder, How many had to die when chaos fell from the sky __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

02-04-2007, 08:26 AM
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,138	It reminds me a bit of the tornados that hit florida this weekend. But I enjoyed it I would've wished it could be alittle longer though. __________________ "It's just so fuckin' weird. You write about this shit, and you're suddenly the spokesman for a fuckin' generation,...... Any generation that would pick Kurt or me as its spokesman -- that must be a pretty fucked up generation, don't you think?"

02-04-2007, 11:45 AM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 715	Hey I like this one a lot. Lot of clarity in the imagery all compacted into a short piece. Very nice. __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

02-04-2007, 12:15 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	Ya i like it a lot to!Better then mine __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-04-2007, 03:30 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 544	thanks all , i might still make it a bit longer __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things