My Body Is An Apparition

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 02-09-2007, 07:14 AM

Ben Stivers
2/9/07

My Body Is An Apparition

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.

Stu · 02-09-2007, 07:51 AM

very nice, you put words together nicely and it doesnt look forced.

**sleepy jack** · 02-09-2007, 10:12 AM

=OBen writing again!?

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-09-2007, 12:54 PM

Black dot tw@t.

Crowe · 02-09-2007, 03:09 PM

Excellent imagery - every line overflows with motivation, with meaning - an individual drive while all the time remaining the part of a better, seemingly simple (yet complex) whole. Thank you for coming back.

ZeppelinAir · 02-09-2007, 04:11 PM

very nice, very well writen, and great imagery

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-10-2007, 12:36 AM

Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go.

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.
^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about?

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.
^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.
^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed.

You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10.

Crowe · 02-10-2007, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go.

What have I been, the revision of objects in the air?
My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky.
I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils,
Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash.
^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about?

And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes,
But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew.
And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day,
I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky.
^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t.

For within my lust to become that which is undone,
I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced
Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment,
And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.
^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed.

You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10.

You come off like a huge ******* here, PHAP. I know you aren't an ******* - So I'm thinking that you wrote this in a bad mood. Plus, songs aren't necessarily supposed to TELL you everything, sometimes it's up for you to find your own meaning.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-10-2007, 08:09 AM

I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything.

Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not.

Crowe · 02-10-2007, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything.

Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not.

Okie doke =P

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02-09-2007, 07:14 AM
A_Perfect_Sonnet Dinosaurus Rex!!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 892	My Body Is An Apparition Ben Stivers 2/9/07 My Body Is An Apparition What have I been, the revision of objects in the air? My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky. I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils, Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash. And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes, But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew. And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day, I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky. For within my lust to become that which is undone, I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment, And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget.

02-09-2007, 07:51 AM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	very nice, you put words together nicely and it doesnt look forced. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-09-2007, 10:12 AM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,242	=OBen writing again!? __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

02-09-2007, 12:54 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	Black dot tw@t. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

02-09-2007, 03:09 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 690	Excellent imagery - every line overflows with motivation, with meaning - an individual drive while all the time remaining the part of a better, seemingly simple (yet complex) whole. Thank you for coming back. __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

02-09-2007, 04:11 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 544	very nice, very well writen, and great imagery __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

02-10-2007, 12:36 AM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	Psh. Your mom is an apparition. But seriously, here we go. What have I been, the revision of objects in the air? My body wreathing upward like a ring in the night sky. I was dropped apon canvas, setting fire to my oils, Burning like a lantern yet never taking ash. ^ Pretty sure it's "upon." This is great imagery, but, what the hell are you talking about? And a perception such as mine spills from my weak and weary eyes, But I am only scanning a sparse landscape for the sun I once knew. And as jagged peaks made way for the soft light of the day, I pictured a city block, not the unveiled sky. ^ Again, wtf are you talking about? I guess you're moving around, observing things, but...it just doesn't seem connected, and I have yet to figure out why I am supposed to give a sh!t. For within my lust to become that which is undone, I left my own hand to wander this board, and what it traced Was the picture of a solitary face, an apartment, And a sillouhette in the rain... I have chosen to forget. ^ The first line seems quite irrelevant, unless you meant "wanderlust," in which case, just say wanderlust. The only part of this verse I liked was the second line, before the comma. The rest is pretty hackneyed. You didn't tell me why I should care, it just seemed to be a jumble of images, good ones, but, they were without much of a point. 5/10. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

02-10-2007, 08:09 AM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	I wasn't in a bad mood. I wasn't being an ahole. I just didn't think the poem was telling my anything. Anyway, APS knows me from MusicianForums/AIM (I'm DeadReligion/Malcolm), he knows I'm not an ahole. Unless you're poem is so excessively crappy as to resemble the kind of shtty emoetry found in AIM profiles. His is not. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time! Last edited by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes : 02-10-2007 at 08:26 AM.