A Tale Of One So Familiar (Hang)

Stu · 02-09-2007, 10:23 PM

A tale of one so familiar

In dark tranquillity, sits the mournful watcher.
A beacon of melancholy, mantled in deaths sheaf.
Amidst a plume of shadow, weeps this bitter slave
Alien in demeanour, of hell he is beneath.

Shackled in a void, beats this fading heart.
A plain of deprivation, congealed in blood and tears.
Morose and numb with grief, he sits a world apart -
From all and every man, bludgeoned by such fears.

Adorned in scars of war, he awaits the bitter end.
Obsolete amidst the smog, archaic bouts of hate.
Of what will greet him in the void, one cannot comprehend
Within the funnels of despair, sits hollow ducts of fate

Manacled in fading hope, as tyrants slowly stir
Incandescent raging spite, the shining spots disperse.
The stinging tail of natures might, this frightened beast incurs
A solemn end to tragic breaths, the last exhale so terse.

**sleepy jack** · 02-09-2007, 10:35 PM

I dig itt.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-10-2007, 12:13 AM

Good, but perhaps a few less adjectives, let the image itself be the evocation, we tend to use adjectives as a crutch too often (myself included). Pretty good otherwise.

Stu · 02-15-2007, 02:52 PM

BUMP. Im really not happy with this one but i dont know how to change it, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be nice.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-15-2007, 03:45 PM

I hope you weren't just bashing me.

Stu · 02-15-2007, 05:35 PM

no i wasnt. i posted this way before you called me pretentious.

Crowe · 02-15-2007, 08:58 PM

Stuuu... hmm... I like it and I don't like it. I really like the imagery but like PHAP said, you seem to use it as a crutch and it muddles up the meaning of the piece. You say the same things a couple of times using synonyms... I do it and it bothers me, I was wondering if it bothers you? Each line of a piece is a propellant, supposed to move emotions - a constant flow, an ebb of personal meaning... coming back to an image (through different means) is acceptable, of course - but is it an image you'd like the reader to revisit, and then move on to a new one?

Stu · 02-16-2007, 08:18 AM

lol, its actually about the most mundane object ever. Simply the moon. i cant say i've really picked up on it before but thats something i can work on. Now you've mentioned it, YES, it does bother me!

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02-09-2007, 10:23 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	A Tale Of One So Familiar A tale of one so familiar In dark tranquillity, sits the mournful watcher. A beacon of melancholy, mantled in deaths sheaf. Amidst a plume of shadow, weeps this bitter slave Alien in demeanour, of hell he is beneath. Shackled in a void, beats this fading heart. A plain of deprivation, congealed in blood and tears. Morose and numb with grief, he sits a world apart - From all and every man, bludgeoned by such fears. Adorned in scars of war, he awaits the bitter end. Obsolete amidst the smog, archaic bouts of hate. Of what will greet him in the void, one cannot comprehend Within the funnels of despair, sits hollow ducts of fate Manacled in fading hope, as tyrants slowly stir Incandescent raging spite, the shining spots disperse. The stinging tail of natures might, this frightened beast incurs A solemn end to tragic breaths, the last exhale so terse. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-09-2007, 10:35 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,242	I dig itt. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

02-10-2007, 12:13 AM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	Good, but perhaps a few less adjectives, let the image itself be the evocation, we tend to use adjectives as a crutch too often (myself included). Pretty good otherwise. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

02-15-2007, 02:52 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	BUMP. Im really not happy with this one but i dont know how to change it, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be nice. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-15-2007, 03:45 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	I hope you weren't just bashing me. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

02-15-2007, 05:35 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	no i wasnt. i posted this way before you called me pretentious. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-15-2007, 08:58 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 690	Stuuu... hmm... I like it and I don't like it. I really like the imagery but like PHAP said, you seem to use it as a crutch and it muddles up the meaning of the piece. You say the same things a couple of times using synonyms... I do it and it bothers me, I was wondering if it bothers you? Each line of a piece is a propellant, supposed to move emotions - a constant flow, an ebb of personal meaning... coming back to an image (through different means) is acceptable, of course - but is it an image you'd like the reader to revisit, and then move on to a new one? __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic

02-16-2007, 08:18 AM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	lol, its actually about the most mundane object ever. Simply the moon. i cant say i've really picked up on it before but thats something i can work on. Now you've mentioned it, YES, it does bother me! __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me